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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

0 posted 2006-01-24 09:57 PM

Her life would not end here;
She silently made a vow…
She wouldn’t let them take her life;
She’d make it through somehow.
Quietly all around her
Others thought the same
Begging God to help them
To divert the snipers aim.
She stood in line with others
Indistinguishable, at best…
She kissed her son’s locket,
Then took aim like all the rest.
Looking all around her,
Seeing the sky damp, dark and gray
The sobs soon overcame her
And she fell to her knees to pray.
The general swooped upon her
‘This is no time for tears!
Gather yourself together, and
Stand to face your fears!’
Basic training had been simple
She had passed every test
But now she stood, perhaps to die,
Gripping the locket on her chest.
Her son’s eyes before her,
His coffin fresh in her mind…
His goals and dreams echoing
His passion nearly blind.
This was their country
She wouldn’t let them win.
She wouldn’t let these murderers
Force her to give in.
They took her son away
And left scars upon her heart
So she immediately joined up
Sworn to do her part.
‘This is the price of Freedom,
This is all I have to do.
This is war we’re facing
To my country I must be true.’
So thinking one more time
Of how her life might end
She stood to face whatever fate
God saw fit to send.

God, Please Bless Our Soldiers
Whether on land or sea or air
Bless the world with freedom,
And keep your children in your care.
<3 Ker

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
Mae West

jody5
Senior Member

since 2005-12-21

Posts 876
California, U.S.A.

1 posted 2006-01-25 05:05 PM

This is a great write. It is sensitive story and being a vet. I really liked it. I give it a 10.

CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

2 posted 2006-01-25 08:47 PM

Thank you, not just for your comments, but for serving our country. God Bless You For All You've Done!

<3Always<3

Keryn

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
Mae West

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2006-01-26 07:31 AM

Keryn, this is well done. I'll try to get time to study it better later. I think I have a couple of suggestions you might consider.

Pete

playing.with.crayons
Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 362
Neverland

4 posted 2006-01-28 07:58 AM

What I liked a lot about this piece was that most of the ryhmes didn't sound forced. I had a bit of a problem with:

"This is the price of Freedom,
This is all I have to do.
This is war we’re facing
To my country I must be true"

the rhymes didn't sound quite free enough.
But I was very impressed with some of your wording. On the whole, I think this has potential to be Brilliant.
always, xxx

farewell the ash-tray girl

Katerie
Member

since 2006-01-27

Posts 92
Central New York

5 posted 2006-01-29 11:37 AM

"‘This is no time for tears!
Gather yourself together, and
Stand to face your fears!"

I have no problem with this poem other than these three lines. There needs to be an intervening line to break the dialogue somehow- the rhyme ends up seeming odd.

Like a ship blown from it's mooringby a wind off the sea- I have been changed for good.

Serendipity_13
New Member

since 2006-02-03

Posts 3

6 posted 2006-02-03 09:17 PM

This was beautiful. I lost my best friend over in Iraq about 3 months ago and the poem brought tears. Great write.

CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

7 posted 2006-02-05 08:16 PM

Thanks so much guys, and Serendipity(sorry if I spelled that wrong, I'm a spell check dependant) I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm really so grateful for your friend's contribution to our country. Thanks for sharing<3

Keryn<3

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
Mae West

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

8 posted 2006-02-07 12:10 PM

Hi,

I'm not a rhymer...mostly free verse, but I thoroughly enjoyed this, and think it is quite a tribute to the men and women fighting right now. Nice work.

Regards,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

9 posted 2006-02-07 06:24 PM

Thanks a lot for commenting Kris

<3ker

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