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EsoDreamer
New Member

since 2006-01-18

Posts 5

0 posted 2006-01-18 06:25 PM

From out of the rainy sky, a stream of energy struck
I dropped to the muddy ground
I look around,
Who else do I see but,
My most feared and respected enemy
Right next to me
Eyes filled with fear just like mine
At that point in time
I realized he wasn’t as big and bad
As he had lead me to believe
Or as dangerous as I had perceived
When I look back on our conflicts and
The wounds that he had inflicted
It hit me
We both bleed red blood
We both feel the same pain
Didn’t the rain hit us the same
When the sun came out
I notice that the sun shines on us equally
Suddenly I saw him in a new light
How could I bring myself
To fear a enemy no greater than I
For he is man and so am I

EagletonDiva
Member

since 2006-01-11

Posts 107

1 posted 2006-01-21 01:22 AM

Whoa, absolutely breathtaking. I wish we could all see our enemies as such. Not monsters, but men.

elpoeta
Junior Member

since 2006-01-17

Posts 15
Puerto Rico

2 posted 2006-01-21 06:21 PM

I would have said "doesn't the rain hit us the same", only because it's already raining, as is said in your first line. Besides that, this was very good.

Mike

I went to the woods because I wanted to live life deliberately...

Jasternal
New Member

since 2006-01-22

Posts 8

3 posted 2006-01-22 07:55 AM

it's a beautiful poem.

however, i have some suggestions on L16 please change "feel" to 'felt', and L19, please change "notice" to noticed.

EsoDreamer
New Member

since 2006-01-18

Posts 5

4 posted 2006-01-23 12:46 PM

Thank you everyone. I appreciate the comments

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

5 posted 2006-01-23 08:37 PM

Well, I consider this excellent work. The idea behind the words is no less than brilliant....and so very true. Sometimes our fear gives our enemies superhuman status when, in reality, they are no more than normal men like ourselves. Placing them together in your poem under the same circumstances that affects both of them equally is the perfect way to illustrate that point.

From a poetic standpoint, I would tighten it up a bit. Let me make it clear that I'm a rhymer and not that well-versed (or non-versed) in free forms so please take my suggestions with a grain of salt. Our free verse specialists could be a lot more knowledgeable and informative, I'm sure.

I personally would eliminate some of the understood and unnecessary wording to give it a stronger impact. For example:

From out the rainy sky
the stream of energy struck.
I dropped to muddy ground,
looked around
to see my most feared and respected enemy
next to me,
eyes filled with fear just like mine.
At that point in time I realized
he was not what he had led me to believe,
not as dangerous as I had perceived.
Looking back on wounds he had inflicted
it hit me.
We both bleed red blood.
We both feel the same pain.
Didn't rain hit us at the same time?
When the sun comes out
doesn't it shine on us equally?
I saw him in a new light.
How could I fear an enemy no greater than I?
We are all men...and all the same.

Just my thoughts. Feel free to accept or reject any of them. Regardless, you have a very good piece of writing.

playing.with.crayons
Member

since 2006-01-02

Posts 362
Neverland

6 posted 2006-02-04 11:53 PM

"We both bleed red blood

Didn’t the rain hit us the same
When the sun came out"

These were my favourite lines. A lovely piece! xxx

farewell the ash-tray girl

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

7 posted 2006-02-06 11:46 PM

Hi,

I thought this was very good. The first half or so reminded me a bit of rap...there was a bit of a rhyming scheme. Perhaps if you continued this throughout the piece, it would provide more of a flow...easier to read. I also agree with Balladeer that you should modify the last two lines. Good work.

Regards,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

MsSouthernOrchid
Member

since 2003-07-12

Posts 192

8 posted 2006-02-22 12:35 PM

I would never dream of judging another poets work because I am not qualified. I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed this poem and I think it's just perfect. It really touched me.

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