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Calacon
New Member

since 2005-12-19

Posts 2

0 posted 2005-12-19 11:35 PM

spelling and grammer is off, but hey im not perfect
any help on how to make it better would be good

when your mad at me
and im upset with you
i smile on the inside
cause i know we will work it through

yuo are a tulip to me
when i catch your scent i feel free
but it seems that your petals are falling
to be caught in the wind and blown away

we met on a tangled web
the first time i saw you, you poisoned me
our eyes met and i saw my enemy
there is no cure, there is no remedy

it burns inside of me like a torch
heating my blood
my mind will not change no matter how i try
i've looked and looked for other planes to fly

but my mind is stubborn and anxious
it tells me to attack
my heart is wise and defensive
it whispers for me to hold back

i sleep on a bed of nails every night
and walk on hot coals by day
my back is bloody, my feet are chared
i just need someone to show me the way

there is nothing i can do
i am the sheep that strayed from the flock
i try to help but it aggrivates
im not perfect enough hince me being watched like a hawk

im looking for the hidden
when there are no shadows
looking for the answers
when there are no questions

my heart has shut down
my mind has taken over
my heart will never be free
must i feel like a cadaver?

it is impossible or so im told
just give up, let go of the reigns
but theres no such thing as to old
i have to stop the shame

is it wrong to do this?
it is tearing me apart
next time i have to swing, not miss
you are such a work of art

so this is the struggle
is this the life for me?
why do i always have to please
i am never alowed to be at ease

im on the road to despair
but she is right by my side
so i just dont care
i have come out, there is no reason to hide

there are no laws to wich i have to abide
no laws, just win lose or draw
putting my feelings aside
i wait for the ice to thaw

for now all i have is faith
faith that the ice will thaw
hope for some sort of law
the ice is there its so hard not to stare

so as you can see
my brains in a blender
it hurts so bad
when your heart is this tender

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

1 posted 2005-12-20 03:23 AM

Welcome to PIP! We all look forward to seeing more of your work.
Oh, and check your mailbox for a special greeting.!

Cheers!

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2005-12-20 12:09 PM

Yes, another welcome.

So you're not perfect. I can't think off hand who is. If you want to write, spelling and grammar are certainly an important part. That would be my first suggestion. Instead of defensively excusing your errors, correct them.

Next, the short lines don't contribute to the otherwise serious nature of the poem, particularly when combined with the many forced rhymes. I can see some merit to the almost whirlwind impression in light of the title but it doesn't work for me. Maybe if you worked on the rhymes a lot it mght come together better.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

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