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Not-So-Hidden Emotions
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Not-So-Hidden Emotions |
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gelato Member
since 2005-10-27
Posts 63TN,USA |
Not-So-Hidden Emotions Emotion is a river that just lives underground With sweet replies above. People say what's expected, but you are out of luck If you think they're honestly true. Their thoughts are inscrutable, so they tell no lie But you can guess how they feel They don't call or write. That chore is yours unless something is dire. No fire so, no call and no them. "Relationships are the one tangible connection we have with God" - Purpose Driven Life |
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| © Copyright 2005 Patricia B. Carrasco - All Rights Reserved | |||
majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
you asked for it... Not-So-Hidden Emotions < Emotion is a river that just lives underground << why just? i do not see it adding anything With sweet replies above. < If you think they're honestly true. < Their thoughts are inscrutable, so they tell no lie << why you use inscrutable is inscrutable to me; it is an ugly word But you can guess how they feel They don't call or write. That chore is yours unless something is dire. No fire so, no call and no them. no real emotion, no imagery, no feeling. it read like a dead fish. -majnu |
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gelato Member
since 2005-10-27
Posts 63TN,USA |
Thank you. I can see the cause for a different word than 'just'. Nothing wrong with 'inscrutable'...I like it. There was imagery and emotion present. "Relationships are the one tangible connection we have with God" - Purpose Driven Life |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I think you may have something here if you'd personalize it more. The underground river is actually not a bad metaphor, IMO One example: Begin by trimming the bold words and adding words I've put in parentheses. The final four lines seem a bit more incongruous than the rest. They need to be tied in a bit more decisively. But this is what I am seeing, in at least the first five lines anyway: (Your) Emotion(s) a river that just lives underground With sweet replies above. (You) say what's expected, but you are (I'm) out of luck To think you're being If you think they're honestly true. (With)Their thoughts are inscrutable, so they (you) tell no lie But you can guess how they feel They don't call or write. That chore is yours unless something is dire. No fire so, no call and no them. This critique is only one example, to show how a piece can be weighed down with too many words. You must make the final decisions. For that, you'll need to train your own critical eye to back away from your work and observe it from a less emotional vantage point. OK, it's not exactly alive with imagery, but it doesn't exactly reek either. Remember, an occasional "...dead fish", with a little butter and a touch of spice--in the right hands--makes for a pretty tasty meal. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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gelato Member
since 2005-10-27
Posts 63TN,USA |
Thank you..that was a critique that I could work with. "Relationships are the one tangible connection we have with God" - Purpose Driven Life |
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gelato Member
since 2005-10-27
Posts 63TN,USA |
This is an edit...how does this one compare with the first? ***************************************** Your emotion's a river underground Sweet replies above. You say what's expected, I'm out of luck To think you're being true. With thoughts inscrutable, you tell no lie. I can guess how you feel You don't call or write. Unless something is dire. No fire so, no call And no you. "Relationships are the one tangible connection we have with God" - Purpose Driven Life |
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