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A Storm
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Storm |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133
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A Storm The trees tell of a storm. Bending down from the norm with gale Willows weep with a wail. Weaker limbs start to fail their hold. Leaves turning up then fold. A pine standing as bold as one Brave spruce waiting for sun. The rain beats the drums none can stop The roots retain each drop. The Gods have fed each crop of weed, Dampened each barren seed, Provided natures' need to grow. Always Lisa copyright Aug, 2005 |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I enjoyed; The rhyme you did on your poem works well. Although I have a few critical points about other things: --I think this poem may be much better in past tense. The trees surely don't always tell of a storm. But they did at the time that you remember. Perhaps something like this: The trees told of a storm. Bending down from the norm with gale Willows wept with a wail. Weaker limbs started failing their hold. Leaves turned up to fold. A pine stood as bold as one Brave spruce waiting for sun. The rain beat the drums none might stop The roots retained each drop. The Gods fed each crop of weed, Dampened each barren seed, Provided natures' need to grow. --I think that "norm" is a very unpoetic word. It sounds a bit slangish and overmodern. Perhaps you may put some other rhyme word in its stead: swarm, warm, form. --Also the flow felt a bit weak for all the periods on such a short work. It felt like there was more stop than flow in your poem. If you remove some of the periods and work the lines into longer flownesses, I think it may flow much better. It may be a good excersise to remove them all except the last and see if you can make it to the end without using any period. I am glad to see that all your sentences end with the lines themselves and never in the middle of lines. That is a good improvement. -In line ten "Gods" should be gods. -Don't be afraid to use the word and. It surely is needful sometimes. And sometimes helps avoid using periods too often! I hope my suggestions are sound. Essorant [This message has been edited by Essorant (08-15-2005 03:26 PM).] |
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Huan Yi Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688Waukegan |
Lisa, A Storm The bent trees Tell of storm. Willows weeping with a wail. Pines standing bold as one The rain drums The roots retain each drop. Gods have fed Each barren seed, Provided natures' need to grow. ……………………….. A thought |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
In her poem, Lisa, is strictly adhering to the rhyming rules of Luc Bac: A Vietnamese form of syllabically structured poetry. In this form, as a general rule: quote: Thus, "gail, wail and fail," are exactly where they should be--as are, "hold, fold, bold; one, sun none; stop, drop and crop." Since the name Luc Bat means six-eight, Lisa, has begun her piece with a six syllable line. I have a problem with "norm," as well. It could be just me, but it comes across as somewhat forced. I just don't know how to fix it, unless you possibly put the words in a different order, so that you're then forced to change the successive rhymes. I don't believe this poem necessarily works better in past tense, because we're looking at it through the eyes of the poet, who may well be seeing these events play out in their present moment. It's an effective device, in many instances. But there is an inconsistency in the syntax overall. LI: I'd rather see you eliminate "The" altogether. Suggest: Trees telling of a storm. This however,is simply based on one of my personal pet peeves regarding "fillers." This would help it relate better with the tense of L2 though. L2: "gale" is a noun, but sounds more like an adjective as you've used it here. I almost expect to hear the words, "-force winds" to follow. L3: "Willows" would sound better in singular form. Unless you make it more clear that you mean, they weep, in a collective sort of "wail", as it were. L4: Would read better, as "Weaker limbs begin to..." But, that's probably just me, wanting to make poems read metrically. This form doen't need to, but all poems IMO, should flow with a smooth cadence. L5: needs a comma after, "up". The word, "fold" has a problem because it doesn't agree with the tense of, "turning". L6: would appear more cohesive if you didn't Cap every line's beginning. Otherwise, in my mind, I want to stop and breath before L7. L8: Again here, to keep it consistent, write it possibly as: "Rains beating drums none can stop." L9: I'd like to see this line related more closely to the preceding one, by possibly adding a comma after, "stop", then beginning this line as, "while, roots..." thus eliminating "the". Ls10-12: I'd like to see this part written in Future tense, as: The gods(uncapped, BTW) will feed each crop of weed, dampen each barren seed, providing natures' need to grow. I think they're strong lines which would be stronger if you make it clear, they speak of future results of this storm you've described. This is all one critic's opinion and I hope I haven't rewritten lines too much. I know, I certainly don't like having my pieces rewritten. But, if you can use any of these suggestions, feel free. I think yours is a good example of Luc Bac that's worthy of a bit of polishing. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria Mypoetry forum. [This message has been edited by cynicsRus (09-22-2005 09:43 PM).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I must admit I am not familiar with this form. In fact, I have never seen it before. I do like the sounds and imagery, but think it would read a bit better if written differently ,as I've done below. I also don't care for the form's punctuation. Some of the periods make it jerky. I would try to make it smoother by the use of commas. Of course, then it would not be true to form....so what the heck do I know! A Storm The trees tell of a storm, Bending down from the norm with gale, Willows weep with a wail. Weaker limbs start to fail their hold, Leaves turning up then fold. A pine standing as bold as one brave spruce waiting for sun. The rain beats the drums none can stop The roots retain each drop. The Gods have fed each crop of weed, Dampened each barren seed, Provided natures' need to grow. warmhrt "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
By gosh this one was beat to death. Some worthy and some clueless. Thanks for the input all. Lisa Events as they happen, and then the efects of those events in form. Seems simple enough, or is it? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
"was beat" beaten |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this- form, language, and present tense. I think past tense would cheapen what seems to be a pensive moment, a noticed scene- something to happen upon and think about. I was also fine with 'norm' but then again that might be my personal preference to the incorporation of natural speech patterns- in fact I found it one of the strong points. My only suggestion would be to do something about the "-ings" Leaves turning, pine tree standing It seems to cheapen the fairly terse tone you hvae set up. I realize it was done intentionally, whether for a certain effect or for syllable count, but it seemed jarring to me. Hope this helped. |
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poettothecars Senior Member
since 2006-02-10
Posts 1093New Zealand |
being the poet, does give reason to write and style can be but an objection for who was in control of the pen the might of the sword or those who never will understand as if Browning, Frost and Wilde were never poets at all a poet who cares |
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starinthedark Junior Member
since 2006-02-13
Posts 32 |
Her vision as is was felt by her. Took me to the storms of past and I could see it, feel it. Storms no matter how powerful, sometimes do bring favors to the earth. Thank You, Starinthedark |
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ManOfWolves28 Member
since 2005-12-21
Posts 83 |
I love stormy weather poetry. If written right its just like seeing an image. This is a good one to get ideas from. I have one you might find interesting. It's titled Allmighty Storm I command. ...If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. |
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