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Critical Analysis #2
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The Cardgame
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Cardgame |
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b.costen Member
since 2003-11-02
Posts 107ontario, CAN |
I wake up for a piss and half the house smells like cigarettes. Downstairs there are five old women laughing to a game of cards. They look like they’ve just come from 1920s Africa or an old book— One with the spine fraying. And the pages ready to ditch. Their hairs are a mess of pencil lines and soft pastels make their jubilance seem flat. There is no need to rub my eyes, i pull up a chair and wait for my turn. |
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| © Copyright 2005 ben costen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I like this for some reason I guess prehaps it's the first poem I've read that started off with someone taking a piss. I would really enjoy reading a longer verse of this piece but you said a lot in few words. Don't be surprised it you read my comments on your other writings. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This is interesting. Like merlynh, I think it should be longer. |
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emy Junior Member
since 2006-11-04
Posts 32 |
fascinating poem, now I'll go read some more of your poems.  |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I really like the out set, but L9 through the end are not there yet. L9 - 11 punctuation issues. L11 - hairs - no reason for that - hair will do just fine. Last two line loose the payoff with the messiness of the previous lines. I think that if you can stabilize the second half you have a hell of a piece here. Nice contribution. CS |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
This is too coarse to earn much glory as a poem. But nevertheless it is fairly well written. I was not sure about the deal about pencil lines and pastels. Perhaps it may read better with a "like" or "as" I hope you come back to the forum sometime. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
quote: A comma at the end of line nine may fix that. I'm not sure about plural hair instead hairs. It seems either one may be used. Although perhaps hairs may emphasize and clarify the plural number a bit more. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
yo: I agree with all the comenets. You do have something here. Needs work but you have a great start. I think that your lines are to short. making then longer may give you a more dreamy feel. And I would like to know what game is being played. No dont tell me but show me in images of the ladies. great read rick |
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trebuchet Junior Member
since 2007-01-12
Posts 30 |
I would love more. I am not quite clear on who "i" is. It feels like your subject is both observant and surprised by the scene we are witnessing and incredibly comfortable with it -- this is a strange dichotomy I can't quite figure. I guess I would like either a clarification of the familiar smell of cigarettes and the well-read book (like you've read it before), or would like more distance, which would mean not ending with you sitting down without question. Also, what happened to the pee(**I typed p-i-s-s here origninally, but apparently that's innapropriate... funny)? But i love the images. The frayed spine, the scribbles of hair. Nice stuff. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
With five players, I just assumed poker. wouldn't it be funny if it was uno? Also, 'hairs' to me implies a thinness of hair... like if someone has three chin hairs, you call the hairs, not hair. So it gave me the visual image of their hair thinning with age... or possibly he meant hairs in the way that peoples is sometimes used? As in the peoples of different nations... being similar to the hairs of different women? |
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