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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Kellie_Cantrell Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667New York 
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Hanging from the sky on the telephone wire we all sit we sit online and write a poem or two maybe even more Count by fives The blessings we have been brought a hug from me to you we sit online write a poem or two What good friends we are Hanging from the sky Telephone me Telephone me We can talk all night Here online we sit and write a poem or two |
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| © Copyright 2002 Kellie M. Cantrell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
hi kelie, i must say i like your poem. it was very creative i thought. i loved some of the imagery used also. i think that the poem could have been stronger if it was structured a little more...let me see if i can show you what i mean. Hanging from the sky... on the telephone wire we all sit, we sit online *this line sounds a little too repetative of the previous line and write a poem or two... maybe even more *you ended the other 2 stanza with "write a poem or two". this last line shows an inconsistancy between the rest of the stanzas Count by fives, The blessings we have been brought... a hug from me to you *being online you cant give physical "hugs" maybe this line you can tweek a little to make it sound more poetic or use more imagery we sit online. "and" write a poem or two... (other 2 stanzas have "and" at the begining of this line. you can add it here for consistancy and flow) What good friends we are, Hanging from the sky... Telephone me Telephone me *dont know about this line...maybe get rid of it JMO We can talk all night, Here online we sit... and write a poem or two... also, i think there should be more usage of punctuation. if you noticed i threw them in to show you what i mean. i hope this helps... [This message has been edited by Permiabilities (07-17-2002 07:31 PM).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Kellie, Essentially I agree with what Perm' has said about your poem. I liked the idea behind the words but I too thought it lacked the imagery and wording to successfully capture the reader. Perhaps consider expanding on computers (and their users), the poems we write or more indepth on how we relate, etc. Well that's just my opinion, thanks for the read. Take care, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kellie: My suggestions are not much different from the others. I would recommend that you latch onto something concrete and wrap your poem around it. Your use of language is fine ... I just had a harder time finding something to sink my teeth into. Could just be my preference and, as I am capable of offering nothing else, this is only my opinion. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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