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Critical Analysis #2

truth

IKNAP
Junior Member

since 2002-05-19

Posts 47
Torrington, Connecticut

0 posted 2002-07-15 01:53 AM

KP-
We use to never get along,
We use to always fight.
Now you wake me every mourning,
To tell me about last night.
Yet still I know you are leaving out,
The parts that I can't do without.
You lie so you are someone new,
But I know this isn’t the true you.
I know you do this to protect me,
Because I’m am your little "sissy"
Someday I hope you tell it all,
Pick up the phone and make the call,
Tell me so I know it's all-true,
But either way i will always love you!
-LS

"The Fat Man Walks Alone"

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

1 posted 2002-07-16 09:21 AM

We use to never get along,
We use to always fight.

change "use" to "used"

Now you wake me every mourning,
To tell me about last night.

Incorrect comma usage

Yet still I know you are leaving out,
The parts that I can't do without.
You lie so you are someone new,
But I know this isn’t the true you.

Rhyming scheme changed, improper punctuation, choppy rhythm.

I know you do this to protect me,
Because I’m am your little "sissy"
Someday I hope you tell it all,
Pick up the phone and make the call,

Tell me so I know it's all-true,
But either way i will always love you!

Forced rhyming throughout, improper punctuation usage, I enjoy the subject matter, but what you present is nothing fresh, exciting, or new. Good luck with your next writing endeavor.

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