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Critical Analysis #2
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Conter
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Conter |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land 
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I used to be awake and you asleep. I'd count the lonely freckles on your chest. I imagined you where somewhere quite deep. I used to be awake while you were asleep, so i distracted myself (i couldn't sleep) watched your constellations stutter in rest. I used to be awake and you asleep, so I'd count the lonely freckles on your chest. |
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| © Copyright 2005 Claire Lucille - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I like this. But I thought it needed a bit more critical care. For example the title looks like it is spelled incorrectly. You must mean "Counter" rather than "Conter" and "were" in line three where "where" is. Here are few suggestions: I I watch I Indeed the mood and rhyme are a sure strength. It just needs some selfcritique regarding the wordcraft and the flow. [This message has been edited by Essorant (01-14-2005 03:47 PM).] |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
the used to be is also, i think better than "was" because it emphasized the idea that this was in the past . (perhaps because originally the poem was in iambic pentametre and i need to return there). "and undistracted might not keep watching your stars stutter in rest. " is a whole different meaning from the original. constellations is a mix of stars and together, obvisouly since love is not blind here, it's quite a crucial reversal. sorry! i don't mean to rebuff entirely your version, it has got me thinking, but i don't think it's quite right. urgh, back to the drawing board.... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Claire. If you want to return to IP, how about something along the lines, I used to be awake and you asleep. I'd count the lonely freckles on your chest. Imagining you lingered somewhere deep, I used to be awake while you were asleep. Distracted thus in thought, I could not sleep and watched your constellations trip at rest. I used to be awake and you asleep and count the lonely freckles on your chest. Just a suggestion, of course. Note some subtle changes to punctuation to help alter the meanings, or at least the feel, of the repeated lines. Really nice work here. Thanks for also posting this in the Workshop. Maybe you will get something started there. Pete |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
hey pete, thank you, that was very helpful, still not sure about some areas, but that's definitely better. yes, sorry for cross-posting, but it seemed nobody was up to much in the workshop and triolets are such fun... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
No apology necessary. Cross posting between CA and the Workshop is all right. These two forums get special privileges since they are both considered "learning areas." And if you get the poem to where you are satisfied then you can still repost in Open or any other forum. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
"used to be..." "Used" what? Coffee? Cold water? See why that is faulty grammar? |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
actually essorant you've just further elevated that word in my eyes  |
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