Standard Use of Lines That Mean Nothing To Us

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young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-05-23 11:47 PM

Standard Use of Lines That Mean Nothing To Us

Let us play with deafening power that even the most hearing impaired can understand,
Something that only giants of requiescat song fondle at will.
So do we play God for a while longer, adding our own beauty to old perfection?
Destroying the ways of our fathers for the sake advancement.
We try to create a resemblance of lost flawlessness, the flaws of my own creation;
Clear lines of black logic (And I think intelligence is my own).
Shamefaced and in shambles from a history of mistakes solving questions of morality
And I know that any falsities in my thinking are learned from those before.

Say goodnight as I point the finger in the mirror and dip the tip into an inkwell of ,
Writing swooping calls to a former obsession for precision upon the walls.
With the power of oppression fresh in the message, I ascertain a sense of despair;
Desperation left of a right-handed guitar in the corner (Music sets the mood).
With no time to spare (Aside from the hours scrolling on the clock) I wake a desire to leak,
Leak lonely thoughts and ideas of what beauty should represent.
Cruciality means little to those who strive for perfection among a world of failing everything,
Even the children know that the sky is falling down upon our lungs.

If only I could remember the estivation of a summer day, then inspiration would fire,
The flames would spread and the casings of projectiles would fall flat. (Inside me)
Boats floating with the fire in our eyes and sprays of aquatic cologne pepper us
And offset time spent in each other’s arms and ignoring what the fire in the sky does.
Can you refresh me on what my memory let slip away behind some other small detail?
Lips pressed together with smiles slipping through the passion that you share.
Now you know the ways that I try to find the much sought after perfection,
Why do I look when all along it was right in front of my eyes? (Glimmer in beauty)

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2004-06-02 04:02 PM

can i please have some critiquing of this?

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2004-06-03 10:43 PM

egads is it wordy!

'Let us play with deafening power that even the most hearing impaired can understand,
Something that only giants of requiescat song fondle at will.'

most hearing impaired? Why not just deaf, or nearly-deaf? And the second line just feels like a mouth full- like I stuck too big a bite of steak in my mouth, and now I can't chew it.

'So do we play God for a while longer, adding our own beauty to old perfection?
Destroying the ways of our fathers for the sake advancement.'

I actually think it would be better if you started with these lines, but they still seem pretty wordy.

'We try to create a resemblance of lost flawlessness, the flaws of my own creation;'

I don't think we try to create a resemblance, but rather the actual perfection... it's wordy AND I think the premise is a bit off... and it seems as though you're saying the flawlessness is the flaws of your creating? I'm not quite following.

'Clear lines of black logic (And I think intelligence is my own).'

I think this is a pretty cool line, but adding a the to make it 'the intelligence' might make it flow better.

'Shamefaced and in shambles from a history of mistakes solving questions of morality
And I know that any falsities in my thinking are learned from those before.'

I also like shamefaced and in shambles, good allitteration. But the falsities in thinking being learned? Personally I think the line sounds fine, as far as the words you used, but once again I disagree with the idea- I think it takes work to acheive solid reasoning powers, rather than to undo them, but that's just my opinion.

'Say goodnight as I point the finger in the mirror and dip the tip into an inkwell of ,
Writing swooping calls to a former obsession for precision upon the walls.
With the power of oppression fresh in the message, I ascertain a sense of despair;
Desperation left of a right-handed guitar in the corner (Music sets the mood).'

Once again, there are so many words here that I can't really sort out what you're saying, but I like the trend of side comments in the parentheses- there are to the point, which adds power to them.

Well, I don't have anything specific to say on the rest... it's partially because you haven't said much of substance. You seem to be using the words to create a mood, but it's so overwhelming that it just ends up tiring me out. I would seriously consider cutting some length and unnecessary words.

'(Glimmer in beauty)'

I do like the last line though.

Hope I've helped.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

3 posted 2004-06-04 08:11 PM

thank you very much

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