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Critical Analysis #2
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Too Afraid to Live and Too Afraid to Die
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Too Afraid to Live and Too Afraid to Die |
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Paper Tiger Member
since 2003-09-28
Posts 77
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Am I too afraid to live, or too afraid to die? Or could it be that I'm both at the same time? Oft times I visualize vanishing, And even dream of dying; If I say I'm happy—I'm lying. I try to imagine being content, With a well-rounded smile; Oh, if only for a short while! By definition I'm alive and well, But in reality I feel dead and broken. I myself would call it HELL! While others might call it hopeless. To have the desire to diminish Is a sad and pitiful way to be. To have such a bleak mind-set Is both foul and ugly, indeed! I am a liar, like anyone and everyone, Though I tell untruths about feeling, Outlook, attitude, and contentment— Most would say it's as bad as stealing! In truth, I'm not a satisfied individual, And am dejected and disheartened. Living as a whole without sorrow Is something I cannot comprehend. People in my life look down on me— Wishing I'd change and improve. They all want to see me with a smile That's honest, sincere, and true. I reflect on my past most recurrently, And am haunted by the recollections, Yet slowly I'm learning from my error And am finding some new direction. Alas, I am afraid to live—pleasantly— And indeed, I am afraid to die presently. We see much, observe little, and perceive less. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
'Alas, I am afraid to live—pleasantly— And indeed, I am afraid to die presently.' This, I think, is the most important and interesting idea of this poem... the languishing that people do because it's just too hard to go one way or the other. I think you'd do a much better and more effective job describing your experience of this to the reader if you dropped some of the rhyme and focused more on unique descriptives. Hope I've helped. |
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Paper Tiger Member
since 2003-09-28
Posts 77 |
Thanks for the reply. I like the way this poem flows, so I'm not gonna change a lot. Here's a slight revision: Am I too afraid to live, or too afraid to die? Or could it be that I’m both at the same time? Oft times I visualize vanishing, And even dream of dying; If I say I'm happy—I’m lying. I try to imagine being content, With a well-rounded smile; Oh, if only for a short while! By definition I'm alive and well, But in reality I feel dead and broken. I myself would call it HELL! While others might call it hopeless. To have the desire to diminish Is a sad and pitiful way to be. To have such a bleak mind-set Is both foul and ugly, indeed! I am a liar, like anyone and everyone, Though, I'm untruthful persistently— Being dishonest comes natural to me, And is something I do consistently. I'm by no means satisfied, but: Down, dejected and disheartened. Living as a whole without sorrow Is a pretty thing I'd like to borrow. People in my life look down on me— Wishing I'd change and improve. They all want to see me with a smile That's honest, sincere, and true. I reflect on my past most recurrently, And am haunted by the recollections, Yet slowly I'm learning from my error And am finding some new direction. Alas, I am afraid to live—pleasantly— And indeed, I am afraid to die presently. We see much, observe little, and perceive less. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I have to agree with Hush that the semi-attempts at rhyme are only distracting in this case. I don't see the revision as improving on that much. I also suggest trimming a bit as you have too many unnecessary words incluyded. For example, quote: I'll leave it to you to pick what is not needed. I see one other significant red flag. You have used common language escept how often would you really say, "oft times?" JMHO, Pete |
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SwEeTnSeXy18 Member
since 2000-09-18
Posts 247nc |
Paper Tiger: I LOVED it! I am a rhymer of poetry so I totally disagree with the others. I say Im feeling the flow as well. I love your name to. Very creative  I have felt these emotions in the poem before!Lisa- Take Care!! ~in order to gain, you have to lose~ |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Hi Paper Tiger, One of the problems with meter and rhyme is that it usually takes poets a long to master. In the interim, while we're learning, sometimes the rhyme can come off too predictable (forced-sounding), which i feel is the case here. For example, in the first two lines, you've really said it all in L1. L2 seems redundant. For me, the crux of the poem lies within these lines (some trimming suggested, too) Oft times I visualize vanishing, dream of dying. I'm alive but dead and broken. the desire to diminish In truth, I am dejected and disheartened. People in my life look down on me— I reflect on my past most recurrently, haunted by the recollections, afraid to live—pleasantly— afraid to die presently. Corinne |
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Paper Tiger Member
since 2003-09-28
Posts 77 |
I agree that in some cases more is less, but are you suggesting I cut the poem down to so few lines? We see much, observe little, and perceive less. |
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Paper Tiger Member
since 2003-09-28
Posts 77 |
At Times At times I wish I were picture-perfect, Wonderful and worthwhile; I try to imagine being an Idealistic individual With a well-rounded smile. I don't want to drift away Or say farewell, But this slow, Pathetic chapter has gone on Far too long in this watered-down tale. At times I reflect on my shifted past, Haunted by the recollections; Yet inch by inch, I'm learning from my error And am finding some new direction. I may not be all that I want to be, And know there's plenty That needs to be done; But I have come to realize That hindsight is always twenty-twenty. ----- I took some of your suggestions and went back to the drawing board with this one. Let me know what you think of this overhaul. We see much, observe little, and perceive less. |
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