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gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

0 posted 2004-04-13 10:20 AM

The Forbidden Land

Someday someone will go to this site,
Travelogue of a biker’s haunting journey,
and read its links to the end, maybe in one sitting

then write a poem about a broken Beethoven
record, Moonlight Sonata, lying on the floor
next to a piano, untuned for twenty years,

atop of which sit pictures of young men in suits,
couples on their wedding day, christenings;
photos that will never be passed on to the children

of those who listened to the piano being played
while looking out their tenth floor view, where
once they saw a green glow, since replaced

by a slowly crumbling concrete sarcophagus.
Unseen from this view are checkpoints only those
permitted few may cross without being shot

as scavengers were
when the first radioactive TVs
were found at a flea market in Kiev

Copperbell
Senior Member

since 2003-11-08

Posts 956

1 posted 2004-04-16 10:23 AM

whoa. You pulled me right in - and then hit me with the last lines. We are so fortunate and comfortable and forgetful of that fact.

I know have an open poetry response, but this poem really grabbed me. Thanks for sharing it.

forne_marin
Member

since 2004-04-13

Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina

2 posted 2004-04-16 03:11 PM

Whoa, man. This one is really great. The images, the word use, the structure--I really really enjoyed it.

I only have one real critique:

"Unseen from this view are checkpoints only those/permitted few may cross without being shot"

These two lines are really awkward and need to be re-worded. I think the simplest thing to do would be to change "permitted few" to "few permitted".

Aside from that, great piece. Keep up the good work!!

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

3 posted 2004-04-16 05:07 PM

Yes, I see the awkwardness. How about

Unseen from this view are checkpoints only a
permitted few may cross without being shot

MGROVES

Member Elite

since 2004-02-01

Posts 3802
california

4 posted 2004-04-16 10:43 PM

you pulled me in for the ride enjoyed

A B S T R A C T
Junior Member

since 2003-12-31

Posts 27
-=NYC=-

5 posted 2004-04-17 12:35 PM

At first, I didn't know what you were talking about but the ending made me re-read it. I thought that this was very well-done, although for some reason I kept thinking about green fields when you mentioned the pictures.

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

6 posted 2004-04-17 04:52 PM

Tx all. I am noticing that the hot link is not a different color here, it came thru as underlined. If you click on "Travelogue", it takes you to the site itself I read to get the basis for this.

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