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sillywilly
Junior Member

since 2002-06-25

Posts 33
oklahoma

0 posted 2002-07-01 11:10 PM

The day has come
When I am free
from all the past
Has done to me.
Future forgive me
for wasting precious time
The past had a hold of me
And the present didn't mind.

Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

1 posted 2002-07-02 01:44 AM

You want critiques well all i can say is I loved this poem , glad to be away from the past , i bet

Do I dare to look at whats really there,
Will I be burned?
I cant see past all the pain and torture that goes on in the places we call,
home.
~Azi

Permiabilities
Junior Member

since 2002-07-05

Posts 27

2 posted 2002-07-05 12:55 PM

i have to say i loved this one too. it flowed nicely and "The present didnt mind" line made the poem i think. one question i do have and im not being a craphead...you use the word...from all the past/has done to me. the word "all"...is that used right? i would have thought it would be (from what* the past/has done to me) but maybe i am up too late...who knows. anyways...great poem

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

3 posted 2002-07-05 03:14 PM

I think "all" is fine.

I agree that it is the last line that gives this work its appeal. I wonder if the first four lines couldn't be dropped altogether?

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

4 posted 2002-07-05 10:56 PM

Hi,

I think the first four lines are needed to give the poem balance...and a very well crafted poem it is.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

5 posted 2002-07-06 01:11 PM

I might also consider either capitalizing or not capitalizing the first word of every line, unless there is a specific effect you were trying to create.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2002-07-08 12:27 PM

Hi silly_willy,

Welcome to the forum (although I am a few days late). It's always nice to hear a new voice. It's also nice to welcome a fellow Okie. Looks like you already got some good advice above and I don't really have much to add. I do agree on the capitalization though.

Check your email.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

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