Through the Young Nurse's Eyes (a string of haikus)

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J.Samm
Member

since 2004-01-12

Posts 415
Iloilo City, Philippines

0 posted 2004-02-29 11:04 PM

Through the Young Nurse's Eyes
(a string of haikus)

Upon makeshift beds
covered in old, stitched blankets
you hope to get well.

The doctor spewed out
a long list of drugs for you
you can't even read.

Your funds depleted
The IV dripping, drip, drip
How can you buy more?

Young nurses arrived
in uniforms shining white
you thought they're angels.

Cold, clammy fingers
monitored your vital signs
young intern's first time.

You smiled--weak, but sweet
I smiled back, feeling helpless
Wished I could do more.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

1 posted 2004-03-01 12:29 PM

J.Samm - what I'm about to say to you might seem harsh. It's not intended to be harsh, but rather - honest and I'm hoping, helpful.

Definition of Haiku:

'an epigrammatic Japanese verse form in 17 syllables'

Poetical definition of epigram:

'a short poem, esp. one having a witty and ingenious ending.'

Your verses all follow the syllabic word-count of a haiku (except for the last one, which does not). And that's it. These are not haikus.

In my opinion, it is not enough to imitate the pattern of a form, and title it as such. It's very common to do such. Too common.

Look at what compressing your form into a so-called group of haikus has done for your work:

'Young nurses arrived
in uniforms shining white
you thought they're angels'

Aside from the fact that 'they're' should be 'they were' you have a whole sentence here.

Then you have:

'Cold, clammy fingers
monitored your vital signs
young intern's first time'

which is missing an 'a' from ln 3, and obviously so.

Just that one example emits the effect of a selection of verses that look like they're trying too hard. Your words are graceless, and forced, with little to no original imagery or thought. Haiku's are individual units, as may come across from the dictionary definitions. You have warped the notion of a haiku into providing a method of writing one poem in verse format.

My serious advice to you is that before you start attempting form, you learn more about poetry itself. I might get flak for saying that - whenever I say things like this there's often an outcry. But, I mean it.

K

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

2 posted 2004-03-01 01:01 AM

Too much haiku information follows:

The 17 syllable rule is one that gets thrown around a lot but I think it really isn't as important as it gets made out to be. From the readings I've done, the origin of the 17 syllable guideline is that in the Japanese language, 17 syllables is the exact length of a human breath. But of course, language differences mean this doesn't so much apply to English written haiku (or even haiku translated from Japanese into English). A more important rule is the requirement that a haiku make a reference to nature. And even more important is that a haiku vividly capture a moment in it's short length and at the same time, say something that transcends the moment. In other words, connect the moment to some great and mighty thing (or a not so great and mighty but still important thing), all while not coming off cliche. It seems clear to me the poem's haiku doesn't consider the nature rule at all. I think the best next step here would be to reconsider the entire poem with the 17 syllable idea taking backseat to the other two haiku guidelines.

Ryan

Also, I disagree that haiku are meant to be written individually. The very primitive origins of haiku were written as chains, a sort of game between poets. One poet writes one, then the next, so on and so on. But this is just me reciting what I've read. It is too late to actually think out personal opinions. Perhaps another day, when the next morning won't come so soon.

in heaven,
everything is fine

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

3 posted 2004-03-01 02:05 AM

Ah yes, the nature element.

I'm wondering if anyone will bring up the 'senryu' argument (excuse?) Ie - the haiku format minus the nature element...

It's beside the point, as these are neither.

Good to see you, Ryan.

K

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2004-03-01 09:36 AM

My first thought here was, these are actually senryus. I admit to knowing very little on the subject but that has been my understanding. Can I get a little help in understanding better? Why would they not be senryus? And what is a senryu?

Thanks

BTW, I enjoyed your description, Ryan. The idea of being the length of a breath is pretty neat.

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

5 posted 2004-03-01 10:20 AM

Just quickly before class, I believe a senryu is a haiku minus the nature requirement. There might be more to it though, I'm not sure.

Ryan

in heaven,
everything is fine

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

6 posted 2004-03-01 03:00 PM

Chain of haiku

When they used to do the chains, they did in alternates of 17 syllable, then 14, next 17, etc.

So some haikus, taken out of the chain, are only 14 syllables. Still, every one in the chain stood by itself.

So technically, assuming you did want to write a series of related haikus, they should be 17-14-17-14-17.

Of course, anyone can do anything they want, but that is more classical style.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

7 posted 2004-03-01 11:45 PM

I really think this style just constricts you too much. As a nursing student myself, I see a lot of things that I, personally, would elaborate on or at least try to be more descriptive about... I mean, you're writing within the parameters of a profession... why not bring your work in nursing into your writing more fully? Use some medical metaphors or something... it's not too much too ask a reader if you make an allusion they have to look up... I mean, don't just start hammering out NANDA and expect us to get it, but bring us into the picture more.

That's my 2 cents. Hope I've helped.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

8 posted 2004-03-02 05:51 AM

Senryu's, to my understanding, do not require the nature element, but rather have a focus on human nature.

Hence, my wondering about how long it would take for that be used as a means of justifying the poet's choice of form. Pete, are you guilty? ~nudge~ heh.

'Why would they not be senryus?'

To me, the answer is obvious - because the poet has only copied the syllabic form...

I could do a senryu too:

the man walked under
the stars and stared at the sky
he thought about life

Syllables only. I could just as easily have said:

The man walked under the stars and stared at the sky, he thought about life.

or

the
man
walked
under
the
stars
and

well, I'm sure my point's come across.

Form imitation does not equal form creation.

K

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

9 posted 2004-03-02 09:08 AM

Another thought - just don't mention haiku in the title, all it does it push buttons of expectation.

J.Samm
Member

since 2004-01-12

Posts 415
Iloilo City, Philippines

10 posted 2004-03-02 08:04 PM

Thank you sooo much, guys! Aww, you're not being harsh. I posted my poems here to learn all I could from you. I am grateful you bothered to read them at all.

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