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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Last Goodbye (REPOST) |
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formerlyKellie Junior Member
since 2002-06-30
Posts 10 |
Yesterday becomes Today Today becomes Tomorrow Suddenly halting life can't do anything right Deep Blue tears rushing down my cheek death do me part a hazard to myself that just isn't me deep green tears gushing out of me Rush me Live through me Love me Help me can't do anything right beating myself I'm just a hazard in the way explanation: uh.. I am very sad. I miss my mommy! I miss my 1st period classroom. I miss her smile. I miss Larry..Where are you? I don't want to be a mommy. ....By the way my old SN is Kellie_Cantrell i Forgot m password.... |
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| © Copyright 2002 formerlyKellie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like the first two lines being used as a reversal of time... but it's left at that, and I wonder exactly what you meant by it. I think if you elaborate on that, this could be really interesting... expand your ideas... I think the whole of this has too much of a self-pitying vibe... I'm not criticizing your feelings or anything, but in a poem, that's not a good attribute... IMO, you should work more with the initial idea here. Hope I've helped. Love is a ghost train rumblin' through the darkness... |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Is the "explanation" a part of the poem. If so, I think I like it a lot--good satirical twist. If not, I have some suggestions: -Deep Blue Cliche no, deep green I like yes -Tears down cheek, how else could you say this? -can't do anything right sounds like something little kids say when they mess up, I would delete it (twice) -"beating myself" has a bad connotation (See also: Herman, Pee Wee) -more imagery, please -I liked "I'm just a hazard in the way" -"death do me part"? What? Father: No, gibberish tonight, Billy. Billy: Sorry, Daddy. -Good luck on your revisions and on reclaiming your old SN Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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