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Even In His Youth
New Member

since 2004-02-03

Posts 5

0 posted 2004-02-14 01:46 PM

And so I said to myself "Where are my friends?"
Once again I have returned to this dark lonely place

A shadow of the past is all that yet remains
A corpse on the shoulders of the undertakers
A hole in the ground waiting for the fallen
A monster in the mind watching all the time

And so I spoke to myself again, But without saying a word
"What are these demons you place in my mind? Release me!"

A soulless void on the edge of the edge
A lifeless body in the coffin of a mind
A scar for the planet that never will heal
A death for the dying, Oh I hear the prayer

And so finally I see her face, so bright, Lighting me up
"I Cannot let go of this rope, Even if I find out that it is tied around my neck, I will not let go. I will stay here. For You."

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

1 posted 2004-02-14 03:52 PM

Frightening images! Grover.

Even In His Youth
New Member

since 2004-02-03

Posts 5

2 posted 2004-02-14 05:52 PM

But as a poem what do you think? Is it a "good" poem, Because I'm very inexperienced being only 16.

Endlessecho
Member

since 2003-09-05

Posts 398
I live within myself

3 posted 2004-02-16 02:05 PM

Yes. You show promise as a writer, because you express yourself well and seem to be an original thinker. Your poem is powerful. We can always work on our writings. This poem was good, but perhaps, for one thing, watch your line breaks. You did pretty good, but especially with the last lines, break them up into lines of poetry instead of flowing like a story, example:

And so finally I see her face,
so bright, Lighting me up
"I Cannot let go of this rope,
Even if I find out that it is tied around my neck,
I will not let go. I will stay here.
For You."

Or something to that effect. Anyway, keep writing. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

GG
Member Elite

since 2002-12-03

Posts 3532
Lost in thought

4 posted 2004-02-17 06:34 AM

I'm 16 too, its good to see you here, I like your work. I'm not skilled enough to offer any critiques, but I do want to say that you do write very originally, which is great. Keep it up

Always, Alyssa

He was a man of sorrows
...I am a girl of tears.

J.Samm
Member

since 2004-01-12

Posts 415
Iloilo City, Philippines

5 posted 2004-02-21 05:40 AM

you write very well, considering how young you are. keep it up! you have strong vocabulary and good imagination.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

6 posted 2004-02-22 11:40 PM

8 out of 14 lines here start with the word "A." 3 out of 14 lines start with "and."

That leaves 3 lines.

You may not realize this, but all those "A" lines sound like I'm reading a shopping list. You might want to try varying your phrasing, and also adding a little action. Description is nice, but the reader can sometimes get lost w/o a verb to give us direction, and a little 'oomph.'

Hope I've helped.

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