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Meet Me in the Middle
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Meet Me in the Middle |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart 
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This was where we once stood in spring light and summer warm, even on days of fall with leaves departing, there, in the middle of the high point, talking of mountains we’ve climbed, oceans dreamt over, sunrises and sunsets of our pasts, and those we hoped to share down the road. Promises were born here, on the high. We had never come to see deep in the heart of winter, but it is here, heightened in its truths by the hand of nature, herself; stark in its contrast of bridging gaps no matter what may come, and I was struck by the fact that before me waited a moment, there in the smooth white where angels should lay down, imprinting their existence, and where footsteps might be seen, leading me to you. [This message has been edited by Sunshine (02-06-2004 07:01 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 Karilea Rilling Jungel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
Very nice, much enjoyed. Grover. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
That that is the type of poem I like. Shape serves a purpose in it. The orderly beginning, the complex meandering of a life, and then the return to obviousness at the end. Perhaps it is because it is more complex in thought than a callow hormone storm, reflecting experience and maturity, but I was drawn to read it several times instead of a skim thru and the "same old same old " response from my mind. It took a couple of readings to get at what you were saying, but I liked that - it was all there but not so cliched as to reveal itself at once. That mature not quite a lament but reflection of a path not taken, even yet not unavailable. And not to appear too fawning, let me suggest that you consider "oceans dreamt over" instead of dreamed, which might come off as pretentious somewhere else but not herein, and fits the verse a bit better, IMHO. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Gourdmad...that is an excellent suggestion, and my faux pas... In Open, where I posted this first, there was a picture that accompanied the poem. It was said that this could "stand alone"...so I attempted that post, here. I appreciate very much your input, am looking for more, and have made your requisite change. Thank you so very much! |
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colbalt Junior Member
since 2004-02-03
Posts 20 |
Sunshine, this is beautifully written. I'm unable to pick a favourite part because it all works perfectly. Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to reading more of your work. regards colbalt |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Thank you Colbalt. In Open, one of the poets suggested that quote: that "of winter" should be removed, as it was redundant. I've made that change as well. Ok folks...next batter up! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Sunshine. Good to see you back in here again. Well written free verse is beyond my ability to critique so I'll just say it is well written and quite interesting. It conjures up several enjoyable images. I enjoyed reading but I do have one small negative note. I understand "middle" is central to your theme and has to be there. But it somehow sounds so unpoetic. The first time, it slips by all right. But when repeated in S4, "We had never come to see this middle" it just sounds harsh and out of place with this otherwise sonorous poem. I suppose it might just be my lead ear but that's what I heard, or felt. Thanks, Pete |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hmmm...does "center" fit in there better, Pete? [I know you would rather not see free verse, but have you any idea how pleased you've made me by reading this???] |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hi Karilea, I hadn't noticed you had posted this poem in CA for critique, otherwise I would have made my suggestion here. I have to agree with Pete though after reading the poem a few times again with Pete's suggestion in mind. Perhaps leaving "middle" out altogether may work. so it reads... We had never come to see this deep in the heart of winter, but it is here, heightened in its truths by the hand of nature, herself; Just a thought.  M |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hmmm..."see this" seems to be hanging out there by itself, if I remove "middle", so if I remove "this" as well, what do you think of it now? |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Can I join? But of course....passing the Grey Poupon.... Sun, I enjoyed this write, I felt there were a couple of areas where you could turn a word or two...or perhaps delete a word that the line might come across with more Umphhh, so to speak....for example... take these ending lines....a suggestion. (original) where angels should lay down, imprinting their existence, and where footsteps might be seen, leading me to you. Change... Where angels lay, their existence imprinted, that footsteps might be seen leading me... to you. Just my two cents.... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Magnus...how wonderful of you to join! Thank you! ~*~ (original) where angels should lay down, imprinting their existence, and where footsteps might be seen, leading me to you. Change... Where angels lay, their existence imprinted, that footsteps might be seen leading me... to you. ~*~ I understand that you want brevity, but lately I've been noticing that as much in the words, not only in the way they are placed, and not only for sound, but for one's reading pleasure. So I still like the way this tiptoed out...see? Because with each line, there are less and less syllables to consider, and the sound of the poem closes quietly. I promise I'll bring in another again, and give you first dibs! LOL...thank you, Magnus! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sunshine, I understand what you are saying. One of my few attempts a free verse trailed off at the end like yours does. I too was very fond of that ending but the "hard core" critics were not so enthralled with it. I still think it is a nice way to end, at least under some circumstances and I thought it worked here. Pete |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
been a while since I've written, but here's a thought or two to the flow of this wonderful poem ------------------------- and I was struck by the fact that before me waited a moment in this smooth white where angels should lay imprinting their existence where footsteps might be seen leading me to you ---------------------------  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Thank you Pete! Rex, I like your line breaks, as well. Decisions, decisions!  Where've you been? So good to see you back in the blue! |
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Rex Allen McCoy Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863Sippin a Timmy's in London |
I was off the net for a while, changed from cable, to bell high speed ... lost my web pages and e-mail contacts but have since made a new page. My son was playing a game online when we had cable ... picked up several viruses ... we ended up getting a new hard drive and processor chip ( ouch ) ... lost all my contacts and information |
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