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Critical Analysis #2
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Sunshine
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since 1999-06-25
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Listening to every heart

0 posted 2004-02-04 03:20 PM


This was where we once stood
in spring light and summer warm,
even on days of fall with leaves departing,

there, in the middle
of the high point, talking of mountains
we’ve climbed,
oceans dreamt over,
sunrises and sunsets of our pasts,
and those we hoped to share
down the road.

Promises were born here,
on the high.

We had never come to see
deep in the heart
of winter,
but it is here, heightened in its truths
by the hand of nature, herself;

stark in its contrast of bridging gaps
no matter what may come,

and I was struck by the fact
that before me waited a moment,
there in the smooth white

where angels should lay down,
imprinting their existence,
and where footsteps
might be seen,
leading me
to you.


[This message has been edited by Sunshine (02-06-2004 07:01 AM).]

© Copyright 2004 Karilea Rilling Jungel - All Rights Reserved
Grover
Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada
1 posted 2004-02-04 04:17 PM


Very nice, much enjoyed. Grover.
gourdmad
Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley
2 posted 2004-02-04 07:55 PM


That that is the type of poem I like. Shape serves a purpose in it. The orderly beginning, the complex meandering of a life, and then the return to obviousness at the end.

Perhaps it is because it is more complex in thought than a callow hormone storm, reflecting experience and maturity, but I was drawn to read it several times instead of a skim thru and the "same old same old " response from my mind. It took a couple of readings to get at what you were saying, but I liked that - it was all there but not so cliched as to reveal itself at once. That mature not quite a lament but reflection of a path not taken, even yet not unavailable.

And not to appear too fawning, let me suggest that you consider

"oceans dreamt over" instead of dreamed, which might come off as pretentious somewhere else but not herein, and fits the verse a bit better, IMHO.

Sunshine
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3 posted 2004-02-04 07:59 PM


Gourdmad...that is an excellent suggestion, and my faux pas...

In Open, where I posted this first, there was a picture that accompanied the poem.  It was said that this could "stand alone"...so I attempted that post, here.

I appreciate very much your input, am looking for more, and have made your requisite change.  Thank you so very much!

colbalt
Junior Member
since 2004-02-03
Posts 20

4 posted 2004-02-05 09:55 AM


Sunshine, this is beautifully written. I'm unable to pick a favourite part because it all works perfectly.
Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to reading more of your work.

regards
colbalt

Sunshine
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5 posted 2004-02-05 10:20 AM


Thank you Colbalt.  In Open, one of the poets suggested that
quote:
there in the smooth white
of winter

that "of winter" should be removed, as it was redundant.  I've made that change as well.

Ok folks...next batter up!

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
6 posted 2004-02-05 12:46 PM


Hi Sunshine. Good to see you back in here again. Well written free verse is beyond my ability to critique so I'll just say it is well written and quite interesting. It conjures up several enjoyable images.

I enjoyed reading but I do have one small negative note. I understand "middle" is central to your theme and has to be there. But it somehow sounds so unpoetic. The first time, it slips by all right. But when repeated in S4,
   "We had never come to see this middle"
it just sounds harsh and out of place with this otherwise sonorous poem. I suppose it might just be my lead ear but that's what I heard, or felt.

Thanks,
Pete

Sunshine
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7 posted 2004-02-05 01:26 PM



Hmmm...does "center" fit in there better, Pete?

[I know you would rather not see free verse, but have you any idea how pleased you've made me by reading this???]

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

8 posted 2004-02-05 10:09 PM


Hi Karilea, I hadn't noticed you had posted this poem in CA for critique, otherwise I would have made my suggestion here.

I have to agree with Pete though after reading the poem a few times again with Pete's suggestion in mind.

Perhaps leaving "middle" out altogether may work.

so it reads...

We had never come to see this
deep in the heart
of winter,
but it is here, heightened in its truths
by the hand of nature, herself;


Just a thought.



M

Sunshine
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Listening to every heart
9 posted 2004-02-06 07:00 AM


Hmmm..."see this" seems to be hanging out there by itself, if I remove "middle", so if I remove "this" as well, what do you think of it now?
Magnus
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Member Laureate
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA
10 posted 2004-02-10 08:20 PM


Can I join?  But of course....passing the
Grey Poupon....

Sun,  I enjoyed this write,  I felt there
were a couple of areas where you could turn
a word or two...or perhaps delete a word
that the line might come across with more
Umphhh, so to speak....for example...
take these ending lines....a suggestion.

(original)  
where angels should lay down,
imprinting their existence,
and where footsteps
might be seen,
leading me
to you.

Change...

Where angels lay,
their existence imprinted,
that footsteps might be seen
leading me...
to you.

Just my two cents....

Sunshine
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since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
11 posted 2004-02-10 08:39 PM


Magnus...how wonderful of you to join!  Thank you!

~*~

(original)  
where angels should lay down,
imprinting their existence,
and where footsteps
might be seen,
leading me
to you.

Change...

Where angels lay,
their existence imprinted,
that footsteps might be seen
leading me...
to you.

~*~

I understand that you want brevity, but lately I've been noticing that as much in the words, not only in the way they are placed, and not only for sound, but for one's reading pleasure.  So I still like the way this tiptoed out...see?

Because with each line, there are less and less syllables to consider, and the sound of the poem closes quietly.

I promise I'll bring in another again, and give you first dibs!  LOL...thank you, Magnus!

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
12 posted 2004-02-12 11:49 PM


Sunshine, I understand what you are saying. One of my few attempts a free verse trailed off at the end like yours does. I too was very fond of that ending but the "hard core" critics were not so enthralled with it. I still think it is a nice way to end, at least under some circumstances and I thought it worked here.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863
Sippin a Timmy's in London
13 posted 2004-02-13 05:04 PM


been a while since I've written, but here's a thought or two to the flow of this wonderful poem

-------------------------
and I was struck by the fact
that before me
waited
a moment in this smooth white
where angels should lay
imprinting their existence

where footsteps might be seen
leading
me to you
---------------------------



Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
14 posted 2004-02-13 07:42 PM


Thank you Pete!

Rex, I like your line breaks, as well.  Decisions, decisions!  

Where've you been?  So good to see you back in the blue!

Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863
Sippin a Timmy's in London
15 posted 2004-02-13 10:18 PM


I was off the net for a while, changed from cable, to bell high speed ... lost my web pages and e-mail contacts but have since made a new page.
My son was playing a game online when we had cable ... picked up several viruses ... we ended up getting a new hard drive and processor chip ( ouch ) ... lost all my contacts and information

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