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Critical Analysis #2
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A Lonely Fireside's Chill
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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A Lonely Fireside's Chill |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN 
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so i'm planning ahead for valentines day early and i'm thinking of giving this poem to my friend. i need some killer feedback on this one guys. tell me what you think of various parts. tell me what should be changed and GIVE SUGGESTIONS TOO!!! thanks everyone. A Lonely Fireside's Chill This squeky spring-broken couch Is just barely supporting my heavy thoughts And the gas fireplace is set at 62 degrees, Just warm enough to keep cold the hands i brought. The phone to me left looks As ded as the trees fallen outside the window, But it was more alive than any newborn That has seen life's light, just shallow minutes ago. I need to correct the aim of my prayers For i have sent them off to you many times, My thoughts are fighting with the God messages i send, And i cannot crush them like just any rock quarry lime. Please press your finger on the buttons That will call me out of contemplation and silence; Stuttering words escorted by racing thoughts are verbalized, Yet i cannot stand it, I will not stand for my insolence. I'll never forget the fragrance that you spread around, Covering my coat with leftovers of you, It keeps me sitting still in this spot, Inhaling the memories on me that still smell new. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow, So you can stop the minute hand's rising and falling; Maybe I'll call you this blessed hour, And again our goodbyes will be left stalling. Back to my quiet, unnoticed prayers That float on clouds to God in the unknown above, But each one bears your name, Erika, And they all say "Let me find her true love." now im alone, but not lonely like before |
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rainydaymusic Junior Member
since 2004-01-14
Posts 26 |
Some of the lines are brilliant, I think - "please press your fingers to the buttons" - that sounds like begging, I love it. "I need to correct the aim of my prayers" - that is great. But pretend I was the friend who was getting this poem.. the thing loses me after about halfway through. It's too long. I think, especially with poetry, less is more. Say it quickly - it'll hit harder. Cut out stuff like "fallen like dead trees" - that's cliche.. and references to God in a love poem are sort of .. well, scary. |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
sorry, i dont think i put that its for my grilfriend. thank you for your comment!! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
spelling, punctuation. I'd look at those first. There's a touch too much drama, too much 'I must be what I think it is to be poetic'... 'covering my coat with leftovers of you' - that's your strongest line.  K |
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EverRuss Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 66Indiana |
I never knew god was such a scary thing. Here it just used to make a big impact. I think you're making poetry into what its not. There are no rules. Just the pouring of someones heart. This is a great poem...dont let anybody tell you different If my poems could talk they would mean more than the words |
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Essential Distress Junior Member
since 2004-01-22
Posts 33 |
yeah i like it. if someone wrote it for me i'd keel over and die. thats about a stronger praise as i can conjure currently... but yeah, look at spelling.. if you spell dead 'ded' it kind of looses the impact of the actuall act of dying and most girls think. "oh. he spelt it wrong' id know. i am one. haha. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
EverRuss: 'This is a great poem...dont let anybody tell you different' Hm. You think perhaps young_blood put the poem here for a reason? |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: I guess it always helps to have a loyal following of apple polishers. It’s not a critique to simply say this is “brilliant”, much less that it’s the greatest poem since “Horton Hears a Who”. The really tricky part is attempting to wax eloquent, (and/or halfway intelligent) and telling us why. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Essential Distress Junior Member
since 2004-01-22
Posts 33 |
well perhaps it speaks to the maternal side of all of us. just the idea of someone being so helpless without someone else strikes a chord... with me at least. spectacular imagery. expert conveying of emotion. bad spelling. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Spectacular? Expert? Based on whose convoluted method of reasoning? And which appropriate superlatives do you then reserve for a William Shakespeare? Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
This is really mixed. There is obvious feeling but 'emotion' is only half the battle, there is also the question of form. Some of the people here think 'there are no rules' to poetry but this is patent flapdoodle: what makes a poem a poem is passion allied to form: emotion framed in tranquility as Wordsworth said. Here in this poem we have obvious feeling but we have repeated examples of bad rhyme and cumbersome rhythm. eg Forced rhyme: "..is just barely supporting my heavy thoughts ...just warm enough to keep cold the hands I brought" "....many times .....quarry lime" "...rising and falling ...our goodbyes will be left stalling" If these rhymes were any more forced they'd have a case under the Geneva Convention. Also the rhyme is arbitrarily abandoned in several places. Bad Rhythm. Lines like: "Shifting words escorted by racing thoughts are verbalised" are both cumbersome and essentially meaningless. "words.. are verbalised" "hands" are "brought". Silly eh? My advice is if you're using rhyme you have to stick with it, but rhyme is only one way of achieving flow. Read your poem out loud to yourself or another, or tape and listen. It should be absolutely clear which lines are real mouthfuls and need surgery. On the plus side here, as well as the obvious passion in the poem you do come up with some good use of language and some good images. I liked "covering my coat with leftovers of you" and "but it was more alive than any newborn/that's seen life's light, just shallow minutes ago" You can write well, but trim and think seriously about the rhythm of the pieces you write. |
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A B S T R A C T Junior Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 27-=NYC=- |
Wow, this is ironic... I made a poem about God for a friend by request... anyway, I liked it. To me, length doesn't matter as long as it expresses everything well. If someone believes that it is good (I remember someone using the world "brilliant") but says that it is too long, well... that doesn't make much sense, as if something is good, you want to it continue. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Abstract, me again...looks like I'm always arguing with you heh... You say length doesn't matter to you, yet Gourd's three line poem holds no meaning to you? Now that's ironic. K |
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A B S T R A C T Junior Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 27-=NYC=- |
You seem to be missing one important detail: in this case, I believe that the poem was expressed well... in the three-line poem, I do not believe that it was expressed well. That's the little disparity. |
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Essential Distress Junior Member
since 2004-01-22
Posts 33 |
yeah. i think i agree with craw. forced rhymes will be the death of me... its all about the meter. either have a meter, or dont. but for gods sake dont change it!!! time signature changes work in music, not in poetry. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Time signature changes CAN work in music. It is something that must be well planned and carefully executed, with restraint, and only applied where it actually contributes something of value. Anything short of this is just chaos and usually unpleasant to hear, always unpleasant to perform. Poetry is similar. |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
alright. thanks everyone for the comments. I gave it to my g/f and she loved it. it wasn't perfect, but nothing is. |
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