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Inbetween lost and found
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Inbetween lost and found |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas 
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Hi everyone, I've been mulling over this poem for a few weeks now, I know it needs revision, but beyond thnat I'm not sure where to go with it. I would appreciate any feedback. ~Saxoness On the drive home from work tonight I saw a wall of clouds rising over the horizon like contained smoke, barely lighter than midnight, and I thought that it swallowed the city. I was glad at first, hoping to start over again, you know, somewhere new. When I walked in my door I rushed to the computer to write my vision down because somehow, it seemed important. And now I'm not sure what to say next, because I miss what I thought I had, because I feel phantom hands on my shoulders, soft stomach pressed to my back, the delicate abrasion of red gold beard on my cheek, but mostly because this isn't the poem I expected to write. My fingers hesitate over the keys, unwilling still, to defeat you. I'm somewhere in the middle right now, alive but dead, breathing but unresponsive. The turquiose ring around my pupils, the hazel color you liked the most is also a wall of clouds rising like contained regret, barely lighter than resignation, and the dam of my "never again" may yet prove to be illusion. I've written enough poems about strength. This one, like me, is in between the lines. I want to destroy the mementos you left me, your old black hat, your favorite book with an inscription, the blue and white sheets we slept on. Yet I keep them near me, close by but out of sight. So here I sit washing my hands of you with tear drops, saying the first real farewell, somehow finding a little bit of oxygen in ink. I'll put you behind the wall of clouds rising like imagined love, barely lighter than goodbye. I've lost you for good, it's true, But I've found poetry once again. "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone |
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| © Copyright 2003 Angela Erin Burke - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
OK - heres what I thought...and this is just one persons opinion so as such means less than zero... I thought the poem started out fantastic...and all the way to: unwilling still, to defeat you. which I thought would have sounded stronger using one of your strong scenes from later in the poem: unwilling still; defeat, a black hat on the night. or something like that...just an idea on that line... up until here I thought the poem was awesome. I thought the poem got progressively weaker from this point to the end.... just my 1 cents, its an awesome poem with mucho potential. [This message has been edited by wintertao (12-24-2003 04:46 PM).] |
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