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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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SiO2 Junior Member
since 2002-06-05
Posts 24New Zealand |
Remember? Echoes in an empty hall, as scenes seen in a pitch-black mirror, The ghost of long forgotten love, the sensual scents less than ethereal. But then was now, when we were there, clearest clarity, exquisite touch, Transcending life, defying death! Expunging all with breadth of breath. Or darker than the deepest mine, as from the void the psyche spikes Grinding mind and sucking joy, efface debase the right of life. Or known, as loss of friend or love, dim eyes, demise, sarcophagus. A loved one gone, us left behind, we knead a need to de-freeze the mind. But then: as rocks to sand and ice to rain, again a gain, the knife goes blunt, Senses ephemeral, piquant recognition, shades turn to shades, we find remission. The big wheel turns, and now is then, his story history, now no clearer, Than echoes in an empty hall or scenes seen in a pitch-black mirror. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Steve Gilbert - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Steve, Welcome to CA. Gotta run right now but check your email a little later. Good to have you here. Pete |
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SiO2 Junior Member
since 2002-06-05
Posts 24New Zealand |
Thanks for the welcome – I am very new to poetry so would be glad of any help you can give – i.e. If it sucks please say why! Smile. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This one makes me numb. Can you break some of the repetitions here and try to be more specific. Still, if you're a beginner, not a bad beginning. |
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SiO2 Junior Member
since 2002-06-05
Posts 24New Zealand |
Thank for your help Brad, but what do you mean by numb? Perhaps this is a term I am unfamiliar with… And to what repetition do you refer? |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
very chilling writing. great detailed descriptions give feeling of being there. keep up this style seems to work for you. P. J. Kotrch |
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SiO2 Junior Member
since 2002-06-05
Posts 24New Zealand |
Thank you Epoet. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Being new to poetry, this is pretty good, but there are also some places where it needs to be tuned up. First of all, this is very abstract- I don't really know what you're talking about. Maybe that's what Brad meant by numb? The intention/premise of the poem as a whole is pretty foggy, and so are some descriptions. For example: 'The ghost of long forgotten love, the sensual scents less than ethereal.' What exactly do you mean here? How can something be less than ethereal? by using that description, you are giving the word 'ethereal' a quantity, a set value- that's risky with almost any word, but especially with words like ethereal- the very nature of its definition establishes it as intangible- therefore, saying something is 'less than' it is essentially saying nothing. 'But then was now, when we were there' This has a distinctly E.E. Cummings-ish flow and style to it- which I like- I do have a problem with the 'was' though- wouldn't 'is' make more sense? If then was now, you're saying that in the past, then (presumably the same point in the past from which the 'was' is projected, therefore making 'then' 'now' from that point of view) is seen as the future, which has arrived and currently functions as the present... but seen from the past, it doesn't make any sense. Try it from the present. 'Transcending life, defying death!' Huh? How? Is there some sort of limbo I'm not aware of? This is way too general- how do you transcend life, defy death (which I didn't even know there was a threat of in this poem), and moreover, do both at the same time? 'But then: as rocks to sand and ice to rain, again a gain, the knife goes blunt,' I like the sound of this, and the wordplay, but the 'but' suggests a contrast from the previous verse... and since I was already lost, I couldn't tell what you were contrasting. I also didn't know where the knife came from? Anyway, other than that, I like most of your wordplay, but it can be a bit overbearing sometimes- maybe you could cull it down a bit, while making the purpose of the poem more clear? I definitely do think this is a good start, and I hope I've helped you some. Welcome to the CA forum. ...well, I guess this is growing up. |
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SiO2 Junior Member
since 2002-06-05
Posts 24New Zealand |
Hush, thanks for the careful read. I was talking about procreation – to the participants – transcending life, and the new life – defying death. Since the topic was memories I did aim at being a little vague but perhaps you are right and I have over done it. The knife was just suppose to be the edge of hurt… Thanks again for the help it is much appreciated. |
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