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Let's try something different...
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Let's try something different... |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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For me at least! I'm playing around with some ideas and these wierd rhyme schemes seem to keep jumping out at me!!! Standing lone in a hollow river Feeling dreams of faith flow by. He reaches up high in feathered flight Whil'st transient hopes imply; That the softness of the morning, Mourns of death knells and decay. That whispers of a warning, Warn of madness not delayed. Where the rush of his fevered peace, -Pieces torn from blinded eyes- Bears proof of a love deceased... Ceases to see why he tries. He knows love will overcome, Come over and change his mind. She will see his heart's for one, Won only when left behind. But when soul-felt thoughts have passed, Past memories will return. Shut down his hopes, lightning fast, Fast lighting his heartache's burn. Standing lone in a hollow river Feeling dreams of faith flow by, Stranding his wings, crumbling 'neath the pain Kneeling in the water... dry. [This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 04-22-2000).] |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
This is really good...hats off to you for venturing into the unknown and trying something new!! Love and hugs, Lizzie  |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
You perform such magic moments Moments sweet as mountain dew Few poets could so bestow scents So meant to our minds imbrue You make words emit such sweetness Bleakest night becomes perfume Gloom turns into soul’s completeness Sweet nasturtium to consume Liz |
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Gene Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935Colorado, USA |
Oh, thanks a lot Liz, now how am I supposed to follow that? --- Chris, This is great stuff. I like the wordplay. ~Gene |
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PrincessPoet Member
since 2000-04-15
Posts 133Long Beach, Calif. |
Well, Gosh: Liz said, it all But, I enjoy your Style Reminds me of Robert Frost I believe the dust of his spirit was blown onto U Your failures in life come from not realizing your nearness to success when you give up. -Yoruba Proverb Poetry & Friendship, PrincessPoet |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Fabulous writing, Chris. I really like this style! Denise |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Christopher~ I like the playing you do. Your rhyme schemes delight me. I admire the things you write and your talent always shines through. Love ya' ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ [email protected] |
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poetFemmeFatale Member Elite
since 1999-07-25
Posts 2646Arkansas |
Oh man oh man Chris...the last stanza made me want to grab a Kleenex! It had such POWER - and yet was screaming so subtle. Nice way to wrap it up...the title itself was fabulous. Hey....pssst...BTW, there's a poem in Open for you...we found you a girl.  Hope you like her, heck, I KNOW you do! Gotta Jet! ........................ |
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Cassanova Junior Member
since 2000-04-12
Posts 39Turlock, Ca. |
Holy... This rocks dude!!! I love the internal rhyming scheme... I think that's the first time I've seen the first words of a line rhyme as well as the last! And not to mention, the wordplay between lines! I am awed my friend! Jason |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I marked this in my favorites the first time I read it, thinking that I would find the time to go back and reply -- sorry it took me so long ... Anyway, I'd like to say first that I like what you tried to do with this ... I know that regular meter and rhyme are not your favorite things in the world, and I've no doubt it took a great deal of effort on your part to avoid lapsing into the freeverse that you are so disgustingly good at -- LOL. This piece has some strong moments, and some not so strong ... a few places where I was really impressed: He reaches up high in feathered flight Whil'st transient hopes imply; She will see his heart's for one, Won only when left behind. The carrying-over of the end-words was very ambitious, and well done for the most part -- you managed not to make it sound forced (no small feat with such an intricate pattern). I also liked the way you began and ended on more or less the same note, expounding further in the last stanza ... Overall, not bad in the least for a foray into something with a complicated structure -- you are getting better in this area, m'friend ... --Me Full fathom five thy father lies, Of his bones are coral made, Those are pearls that were his eyes; Nothing of him that doth fade But doth suffer a sea-change Into something rich and strange... --William Shakespeare, from The Tempest |
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