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A Sunset
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A Sunset |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
Sunset Fiery red and golden colours blaze across the eastern skies, As though painted in with the sure, swift stroke Of an artist’s hand. The clouds go through a hundred shades of brilliance Trying to decide which best adorns them. Then, in the blink of an eye, The sun sinks below the horizon... Once vivid colours fade into the pale violet hues Of a twilight sky. (Hey all, this is my first attempt at a short poem like this....is it ok?) < !signature--> "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight." Ok, here is where I start to work on my lil poem and smooth out the bumps!! Fiery red and golden colours Blaze across the eastern skies, Painted in with the sure, swift stroke Of an artist’s hand. The clouds dance through a hundred shades of brilliance Trying to decide which best adorns them. Then the day comes gently to a close, As the sun sinks below the horizon... Once vivid colours fade into the pale violet hues Of a twilight sky. ------------------------------- Is that better, Lynne? Hey all of you, what do you think now? Thanks for the tips, Lynne! Much appreciated!! [This message has been edited by ESP (edited 04-20-2000).] |
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PrincessPoet Member
since 2000-04-15
Posts 133Long Beach, Calif. |
ESP Hi! Yes, I like this, It stays true to its theme; good descriptive usage. I probably would of used the three-three line stanzas though. I think sunsets are artistic also. You failures in life come from not realizing your nearness to success when you give up. -Yoruba Proverb Poetry & Friendship, PrincessPoet |
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Lonely Shadow Member
since 2000-03-14
Posts 128Virginia |
Hey ESP... this a very lovely poem. You couldn't describe it's beauty any better  < !signature-->To find love is to know true happiness... to lose love is to lose everything [This message has been edited by Lonely Shadow (edited 04-19-2000).] |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
What a beautiful sunset that you paint with your words. Your poem is a work of art itself! I don't agree with princess poet's three lined stanzas suggestion, the flow is perfect just the way it is. I look forward to more poetry by you. Take care, Melissa Honeybee |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
what a delightful picture of sunset you paint here,ESP ")how about describing the sheer beauty of a sunrise? ")LOL |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Aah, a sunset.. ^^ I love to watch the sunset, and rise.. so beautiful, and your words are a sunset, in themselves.. ^_^ a beautiful poem, and for a first atempt, I would say, absolutely outstanding. ^^ One thing, I think perhaps it may fit better, sound more.. alive, if you wrote.. Fiery red and golden colours, Blaze across the eastern skies, (so, cut the line in half here) Painted with the sure, swift stroke (take out the "as though" and the "in" here) Of an artist’s hand. The clouds dance through a hundred shades of brilliance (perhaps change the word 'go' to something else.. not necessarily 'dance', but the word 'GO' is just not quite the right word to describe th grace with which a sunset changes.. in my opinion anyway.) Trying to decide which best adorns them. Then, in the blink of an eye, (in the blink of an eye? is it really that fast??m.. I think perhaps this cliche does not fit here, because a sunset is anything BUT a cliche, and .. is slow and gentle.. not quick like that.. so perhaps delete this line? And add a word to the beginning of the next line to make it fit?) The sun sinks below the horizon... Once vivid colours fade into the pale violet hues Of a twilight sky. (aah, perfect ending.. )Well, these are just some suggestiond from me, as to how u could possibly improve a good poem.. but, just my opinion, ok? ^_^ thank you for this poem, a lovely account of a lovely occurance. ^_^ Take my criticism as a compliment, because I only criticise poetry I think has a lot of potential to be a stunning piece of work. ^_^ I definitly think this one could get there ^_^ Lynne [This message has been edited by Yu Lan (edited 04-19-2000).] |
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twinsgd Member
since 2000-02-13
Posts 416Ontario,Canada |
Pure and simple and beautiful Lizzie. Much of the attraction of what we read here is because most of the poems are by ordinary people writing about what they see and feel in their own words. Your words are great. Jack |
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Joannak Member
since 2000-03-11
Posts 121Indiana, USA |
Like it? Oh, no doubt about it, ESP, it is a delight to read. You paint a beautiful sunset. Joanna |
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Joannak Member
since 2000-03-11
Posts 121Indiana, USA |
Like it? Oh, no doubt about it, ESP, it is a delight to read. You paint a beautiful sunset. Joanna What better way to become immortal than to wake up each day and write? Ray Bradbury |
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achicade Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 66Marietta, GA USA |
AWESOME DESCRIPTION! I LOVE IT!  ) |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Beautiful sunset, Lizzie! I do like Lynne's suggestions for it too. Denise |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
Yeah Denise, I think Lynne's suggestions are good too...once I have replied to all of the poems in the pub(not many left now), I shall go and recraft it a little! Thanks for replying everyone and to Lynne for her excellent critique on it! Love and hugs, Lizzie "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight." |
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Pepper Member Elite
since 1999-08-19
Posts 3079Southern Florida |
Wonderful imagery ... I enjoyed looking at the sunset through your eyes, Lizzie ....... "This is where you will win the battle .... in the playhouse of your mind." Maxwell Maltz |
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JOY 14 Senior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 1419Wisconsin USA |
Yeah, I agree, this was lovely. It amazes me how nature can fool us by giving our eyes a sunset to feast upon, until that is, it fades as quickly as it appears. I enjoy those sunset moments. Joy |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
ESP Nice little poem. The only thing is sunsets are in the western sky. I dreamed I was a dreamer in a dream |
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Dennis L. White Senior Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 1463Michigan, U.S.A. |
Esp, What direction does the sun set in your neighborhood? LOL I loved your imagery! Dennis :^) |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
 Er...coulda sworn I put west...*smacks forehead*, I'll change it right after I change my shoes to the right feet!! Sorry all!Love and hugs, Lizzie "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight." |
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Gene Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935Colorado, USA |
It's still absolutely beautiful, Lizzie--no matter where the sun sets. ~Gene |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
Thanks Gene!! Love and hugs, Lizzie  "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight." |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Hehe, didn't notice that, tom ^_^ of course u r right Well!! ^_^ that is lovely, Lizzie! ^_^ Yeah, I really like the line you put in place of "In the blink of an eye" it is so... graceful. ^_^ well, I am glad u apreciated my comments, I was not sure if you would, but I only critique a poem if I believe it is worth it! ^_^ wow, this is a truly beautiful poem, Lizzie ^_^ hehe, yeah, eastern.. it does set in the west.. I didn't notice that ^_^ Lynne |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
beautiful |
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