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Open Poetry #4

I need help, please

Lolita
Junior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 44
Buffalo, NY, America

0 posted 1999-11-15 06:17 AM

I was hoping someone could offer any pointers on how to improve this poem.

The Sunflower

The frost is strange to this poor fellow,
as is the ground on which he lies.
The sun is lost until tomorrow
and softly my poor sunflower cries.

Where is the sun? He looks to ask,
as he stares straight up at me.
A stranger to the wind and rain
my sunflower shall always be.

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

1 posted 1999-11-15 08:16 AM

Lolita,
It's a good poem, second stanza could use rewrite. I like it.

Lolita
Junior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 44
Buffalo, NY, America

2 posted 1999-11-15 09:02 AM

ST cuold you offer any ideas?

Sally S.
Senior Member

since 1999-06-07

Posts 847
Ohio

3 posted 1999-11-15 09:08 AM

ok, I normally don't do this but here goes....

You're meter is kida jumbled up here. I think you have the beginnings of a fine poem. Let's follow the meter (hee hee) and see what we can do??

Frost is strange to this poor fellow,
as is the ground on which he lies.
Sun is lost until the 'morrow
and softly my sunflower cries.

Where is the sun? He looks to ask,
as he gazes straight up at me.
A stranger to the wind and rain
my sunflower shall always be.

Now, with this..the meter is intact. The flow may not be quite there but, you have the general idea. I hope this helps you.

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