Deathwish - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

DarkMoon
New Member

since 1999-12-25

Posts 9

0 posted 1999-12-25 07:27 PM

This is my first submission and indeed the first time anyone but one friend can see my poetry. If you like it by all means reply if you don't then please tell me why not and I'll do better next time.

Within the cavern of my chest,
My heart beats regular and strong,
No hope then of what is best,
Going to the place where I belong
I curse the healthy heart in my breast,

It is indeed a paradox,
An outlandish hope of despair,
My mind and spirit conspire to rock,
I smite myself and tear my hair,
With my desire to be in that box,

In the end I have my wish,
Granted by the suicidal sin,
All my thoughts away have washed,
In the fading of the din,
I look out around the church,

As I peer out I see a new light,
Shining before me in awesome glory,
I am filled again with the will to fight,
But as with all things in this story,
It's much too late, the box shut tight,

I sream and shout, I rant and yell,
But tis is it; it's time for hell

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

1 posted 1999-12-25 08:24 PM

A powerful piece inside the heart and mind of despair. Well done. And welcome to Passions, DarkMoon.

Denise

Elizabeth

Moderator

Member Ascendant

since 1999-06-07

Posts 6871
Minnesota

2 posted 1999-12-25 09:12 PM

Your meter isn't bad and your rhyme is great, DarkMoon. Welocome to Passion-just in time for the holidays, too! This piece is powerful and very depressing. Good job in expressing the despair.

Elizabeth

Nail to the mast her holy flag,
Set every threadbare sail-
And give her to the god of storms,
The lightning and the gale!
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

littleJas
Junior Member

since 1999-12-22

Posts 39
Australia

3 posted 1999-12-26 08:03 AM

Very good I liked it , welcome

Beri
Member

since 1999-11-25

Posts 149

4 posted 1999-12-26 11:45 AM

Welcome to Passions DarkMoon!!!
This piece was wonderful, the pain in it is very clearly expressed. I loved it and can't wait to see more from you!

If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, its meant to be...

lahre
New Member

since 1999-12-19

Posts 5
kuala lumpur,Malaysia

5 posted 1999-12-27 10:00 AM

hey ! great stuff....like the way you express the feelings......

By the way ,welcome to passion

sandgrain
Member Elite

since 1999-09-21

Posts 3662
Sycamore, IL, USA

6 posted 2000-01-01 04:08 PM

I like your poetry, but pray these thoughts weren't your real personal wishes, as each of God's children has great worth to Him and purpose (including you). I'll look forward to a new moon.

John Foulstone
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 100
Australia

7 posted 2000-01-02 08:27 AM

Well expressed feelings. Excellent rhyme
structure. Metre falters on occasion to
my ear. "smite" sounds a touch archaic
in an otherwise modern verse. I hope
you have exorcised your demons. Write on!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.