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A home without a wall, |
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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Reily Wind (Simile) |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! 
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Reily Wind Reily is like a soft warm wind; she is fresh air that has no end. A small girl always in motion with a heart tip-topped with devotion. Reily is like the bright summer sun or like a firefly when day is done. She brings true joy wherever she goes, it’s like her heart opens like a rose. Like the rose, she is velvety sweet; each petal a beauty, she is unique. Like the rose, she’s ever strong and true. Like the wind, there’s nothing she can’t do. Like the sun, my small friend beams Like the stars, she creates dreams. ... Alison [This message has been edited by Alison (07-06-2008 11:58 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Alison - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Roniece Dawson-Bruce Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689Sydney, Australia |
oh Ali-girl... Reily is such a delight!! What a wonderful poem to share with her.. beautiful! just like you! love RDB Be kind at heart....for everyone you meet has their own battle to fight......... |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Oh my! What a treasure both picture and poem. You have to be Michael's very best student Alison.  This needs to be framed! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Dear Alison, if this worshop does nothing more than having been the instrument for the creation of this poem, it will have earned it's keep. The sentiments are very touching and the love shines throughout the lines. It's a good poem. I would like to see it turn into a great poem, if you are up to it. Work on the meter a bit and see what you can do. I'll help whenever you want me to. A poem this touching deserves it's best presentation possible. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Reily Wind Reily is like a warm Chinook wind; she is like fresh air that has no end. Just one small girl always in motion, with a heart filled with deep devotion. Reily is like the bright yellow sun, she’s like a firefly when night comes. Bringing true joy wherever she goes, it’s like her heart is the perfect rose. Like this rose, she is velvety sweet; petal’s perfection, she is unique. Yet, like the wind, she is strong and true. Like the wind, there’s nothing she can’t do. Like the sun, my small friend shines and beams Like the wind, she carries hopes and dreams. Alison |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Roniece and Mysteria, Thank you so much. Honestly? I have an opportunity to learn and I am selfish enough to grab it and hold on tight. ---- Michael, She is worth may re-writes. Love to you all, Alison PS - I reconsidered leaving her picture on this thread, but you all got to see what a darling she is! Yes, I am proud of her. [This message has been edited by Alison (07-07-2008 12:00 AM).] |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Okay, I am back with another draft. I don't think it is finished yet - but, I wanted to lay this one on the table too. Reily Wind Reily brings delightful surprise like a warm Chinook south wind; Joyful laughter scatters like the gentlest breeze with no end. Perhaps, she's a little wisp of a girl always in motion; yet, her enormous heart overflows with deepest devotion. Reily paints her days with color, like the brightest yellow sun, but then sparkles like fireflies, lighting shadows as dusk comes. She’s like a wrapped Christmas gift, bringing joy wherever she goes, Purest beauty shines from within like the inside of a rose. Mind unfolding like this rose, her joy of discovery is sweet; Creating visions, like rose petals, she is simply unique. Yet, like a wind that’s constant, Reily remains strong, ever true. Like wind that’s stubborn, she achieves all she desires to do. Like the sun which gazes down on her, Reily smiles and beams Like the wind which floats by, she creates hope and magical dreams. Alison |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, you're certainly having fun with this, aren't you, Alison? Actually, I appreciate all of the work you put into your writing. I am one who uses long sentences constantly, normally 14 syllables, but I do it when writing ballads or telling stories. Truth be known, I think your first rendition of the poem is much better than the later ones. The shorter lines strike with more impact in this case and the flavor of the caring and devotion in the poem stays much fresher. Sometimes too many words get in the way of what we are trying to say. I thought more about revising the original rather than making major changes. Something like..... Reily is like a warm, soft wind, A breath of fresh air that has no end, A small girl in perpetual motion Whose heart is brimming with devotion. Reily is like the bright, summer sun Or like a firefly when day is done. She brings true joy wherever she goes Her small heart opens like a rose. And, like the rose, she is velvety sweet, Each petal a beauty - she is unique. Like the rose, she is always strong and true. Like the wind, there is nothing she can't do. Like the sun on high, my little friend beams Like the stars at night, she's a bringer of dreams. |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Balladeer, I was kind of thinking that as I re-wrote the poem, I was losing some of the parts that I loved in the first write. I think I have to work on that part of my writing, not to over-write when I go back to edit. I love the changes that you made - and see something in those changes that I had seen too. You changed words and they brought more life to the poem. I like that. I'll go back to the first one and look at it and see what comes to mind. Although, I love your changes (grins). Yes, I tend to be a bit wordy sometimes. Maybe it stems from my joy of talking? Thank you, Alison |
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