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Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

0 posted 2008-05-16 12:12 PM

There are several kinds of rhymes, with the end rhymes being the most common, as the ones we have been writing to date. Now we go to internal rhymes.

When a poem has a rhyme inside of the sentence, it is called an internal rhyme. The following is an example of an internal rhyme:

I was sad because my dad
Made me eat every beet.

One of the best examples of internal rhyme (and more) used in a poem is Poe's The Raven.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Poe got very elaborate with this rhyme scheme. He began with an internal rhyme (dreary-weary), followed by an end rhyme (lore), followed then a triple internal rhyme (napping, rapping, tapping) ending with an end rhyme (door), followed by another end rhyme (door) and concluding with a final end rhyme (more)....all with an ending rhyme scheme of a-b-c-b-b-b. Quite an elaborate construction!!

I'm not asking anyone to POEtize themselves but let me see some internal rhyming prowess. They don't need to be used in every sentence but must be used in a consistant manner. In other words, if you are going to use them in the first and third lines, make it that way in every stanza. Rhyme scheme can be a-a-b-b or a-b-a-b or your choice if you want to use stanzas longer than 4 lines.

Let's see some participation in this infernal, er, internal project.

Sunshine

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Listening to every heart

1 posted 2008-05-16 11:55 AM

I'll bet I can tackle this one!

Balladeer

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2 posted 2008-05-17 08:30 PM

goody

Munda
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since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

3 posted 2008-05-18 04:26 AM

This made me think of Pete's poem 'The Dream' /pip/Forum22/HTML/000525.html
I never found the guts to try that too. (Shame om me!)

Anyway, since I'm behind with assignments I may go for a trochaic poem with internal rhyme. No promises though! Hopefully before the end of the week.

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

4 posted 2008-05-20 12:31 PM

My mistake. I didn't realize summer vacation had already started.

See you in September?

Dr.Moose1
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since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

5 posted 2008-05-20 07:01 AM

Hey, no cutting classes, especially not by the teacher!
Doc

Essorant
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since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

6 posted 2008-05-21 02:07 AM

This seemed so simple an assignment, but I tried once, twice, thrice, fourthly, fifthly, sixthly, and might not find the craft in me to bring forth anything yet.

Sunshine

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Listening to every heart

7 posted 2008-05-21 11:46 AM

Internal enough?

~*~

Fall Sails

It wound around
that part of me
where therein lies
near sympathy
covered in honey’s
empathy
yes it wound around
that part of me

it is
what she does
I think [not near enough,
they say]
of me
that self
oh,
I

when, then, fate decried
just be.

Drum, thrum, knots
cringe light and
strike wet skies
for some twine more
on some another
DNA’s shore ~

this, scalloped, me.

Wonder, muse,
score and sieve
clasp thinned fingers
in worry’s eve
as secrets come and
go to grow
when pondering draws
one’s dusky leaves

and fingers come a turkey’s tale
when bearing, inward,
sets some sail;
when holidays
on horizon’s bear
and currants are a berried
tale.

I would this gift of
wander, wear
to shred the fabric
of the thread

unweave the pattern
of some sin

then gather you
to me again.

Fall does this to me
in spades

and spring, when bloom’d
might bring roses
grave.

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

8 posted 2008-05-21 02:22 PM

Hi all, didn't know my favorite teacher was teaching here. Here's my internal rhyme, Poe inspired.
/main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=93&topic=002394

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Balladeer

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9 posted 2008-05-21 06:50 PM

Sunshine, I'm afraid I don't see it. Can you point out the internal rhymes, please?

Balladeer

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

10 posted 2008-05-21 06:53 PM

You have it, Dutchie. Nicely done.

(now do it without using Poe as a model

)

Titia Geertman
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since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

11 posted 2008-05-21 09:22 PM

Tomorrow Deer, it's way beyond this Dutchie's bedtime (3.17am) and my brain isn't thinking straight anymore. It only wants to dream sweet dreams about memories that will last forever.
Yawn...

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

12 posted 2008-05-22 05:20 AM

Sweet Mack, I'm back
and wrote internal rhyme, just for you this time,

Sweet memories I have you know, of hugs and knuffels long ago,
six years it's been, since I have seen my friends in Tampa town.
Sixteen poets in a row, who's words we knew, but not their face,
travelling far, by plane or train, to meet each other in this place.

One night so bright, in full moon's light, I heard his voice recite
a poem, still wrapped inside his heart, which truly was great Art.
Silence fell upon the crowd, when he was telling us about
this soldier, with a pain in chest, who'd only done his best.

One has no choice, when this Deer's voice, hit your ear I fear,
than taking in, his words that spin a story of glory so bright.
I had this chance to glance inside the hearts of many friends.
Internal rhyme I used this time, to say: Love never ends.

For those who want to know: [URL=/main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=24&topic=000128]/main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayarchive&number=24&topic=000128[/UR L]

I thought to put the link to the song here Deer, but I guess it was hacked, because all I got was a dump.com porn site LOL

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Sunshine

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since 1999-06-25

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Listening to every heart

13 posted 2008-05-22 09:51 AM

Ok, you're going for a more formal internal rhyme.

I'll be back.

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

14 posted 2008-05-22 10:59 AM

Thank you, dutchie. I'll be back to critique your poem in a bit.

Yes, some time ago, that file storage site decided porn was more lucrative than poetry and song - go figure!

You can find the song here, miss... http://media.putfile.com/Small-Pain-in-my-Chest---the-song

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

15 posted 2008-05-22 06:30 PM

Here is an attempt to put the first seven lines of Virgil's Aeneid into internal rhyme. I used "can" as a bit of a play on the latin word cano "I sing"

In song I can the arms and man
That reft of joy from coasts of Troy
To Italy's Lavinian shores
By fate per-force came on his course
Muchtossedly by land and sea
By pow'rs unsoft of gods aloft
And most of all by Juno's gall
Ever unpleased and unsurceased.
Much toils he bore, amidst the war,
Til he might raise a city's place,
And his gods there to Latium bear,
Whence Latin-kind and kin we find,
The Alban sires, if one inquires,
And walls and home of lofty Rome!

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

16 posted 2008-05-23 12:50 PM

Sweet memories I have you know, of hugs and knuffels long ago,
six years it's been, since I have seen my friends in Tampa town.
Sixteen poets in a row, who's words we knew, but not their face,
travelling far, by plane or train, to meet each other in this place.

One night so bright, in full moon's light, I heard his voice recite
a poem, still wrapped inside his heart, which truly was great Art.
Silence fell upon the crowd, when he was telling us about
this soldier, with a pain in chest, who'd only done his best.

One has no choice, when this Deer's voice, hit your ear I fear,
than taking in, his words that spin a story of glory so bright.
I had this chance to glance inside the hearts of many friends.
Internal rhyme I used this time, to say: Love never ends.

Well, dutchie, one cannot accuse you of not having internal rhymes in this poem!

To improve on it, however, there needs to be some semblance of order to the positioning of the internal rhymes. You have them all over the place!

If you are going to use them in the middle and end of a line, for example, then you must continue to do so. Also, you cannot forget the sentence-ending rhyme scheme. In the first stanza your ending words are long-town-face-place (a-b-c-c). Then, in the second it's about-great-excite-best (a-b-c-d)and finally fear-bright-friends-ends (a-b-c-c). There needs to be consistency.

P.S. - your subject matter is tremendous!!

Balladeer

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

17 posted 2008-05-23 12:56 PM

Well, Essorant, I don't know how many attempts it took you, but you came up with a quality product. With the exception of the third line you made every internal rhyme precise and on the money...and you chose one tough subject to do it with!

Hats off, sir

Titia Geertman
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since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

18 posted 2008-05-23 06:23 PM

OK, I thought that when I only used middle and end rhymes, it would look like I had taken a poem in rhyming scheme aabb and paste line two behind line one. That seemed too easy. You're right about the end rhymes, I noticed it too, but couln't change it anymore.
So I'll try again till I get it right.

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Alison

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since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

19 posted 2008-05-26 01:27 AM

Hey, Teacher 'Deer,
I posted my attempt here
/pip/Forum22/HTML/000910.html

Thank you
A

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

20 posted 2008-05-26 09:30 AM

The life I never got to have
is not something ever in the plan.

In that life I aspire for my own desire
letting others misery never even stumble me.

I sleep until the wee of late afternoon tea
expecting others to see they must wait on me.

I over indulge, walking away with quite the bulge
leaving not a crumb nor sip, I run my tongue over greasy lip.

I love myself as no one else.
I am a sadistic quintessential narcissistic.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

21 posted 2008-05-26 07:38 PM

The life I never got to have
is not something ever in the plan.

In that life I aspire for my own desire
letting others misery never even stumble me.

I sleep until the wee of late afternoon tea
expecting others to see they must wait on me.

I over indulge, walking away with quite the bulge
leaving not a crumb nor sip, I run my tongue over greasy lip.

I love myself as no one else.
I am a sadistic quintessential narcissistic.

Well, Susan, you have internal rhymes for sure. Unfortunately you do not have consistency using them. Unless they fit into a certain sequence they do not help the poem.

First off, let's look at the beginning meter of your lines. They have this characteristic.

Ist line....iambic
2nd line..anapestic
3rd line...anapestic
4th line...trochaic
5th line...iambic
6th line...iambic
7th line...iambic
8th line...trochaic
9th line...iambic
10th line.iambic

Your syllable counts for each line are as follows......8-9-11-14-11-11-13-16-8-14.

As you can see, there is little cohesiveness in either the meter or the syllable counts. This alone would be enough to doom the poem. Also, if you check the location of your internal rhymes, you will see that they are in various positions, which is a hinderance to their usage.

Welcome to the workshop. I KNOW you can do better. Show me.......

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

22 posted 2008-06-01 09:01 AM

Sorry, got caught up in another thread *cough* and forgot to check back here...

This is my first time *trying* to conform to a certain format. With that said I knew it wasn't right but wanted the feedback so I could see where and what wasn't right...thank you.

I will see what I can do.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

Balladeer

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

23 posted 2008-06-01 03:41 PM

Excellent! I look forward to seeing your progress.

xTr3m3sT
Member

since 2008-03-03

Posts 415

24 posted 2008-06-08 10:29 PM

I don't know if I'm aloud to do this, but I made one of these thingies. Look:

The damp darkness surrounds my bitterness greatly
for some reason I've been committing treason lately
in my house, I'm cowering with my spouse here
constantly trying and also quickly denying my fear.

I'm telling my wife, ''this strife will never end''
beside me I see two knees descend
I hold my breath, envisioning death is near
my lungs are about to burst, while I thirst for steer.

I look at this man, he has a book in his hand
a blood stained bible, I'm wondering what has he gained in this land
he looks at me, greed fills his eyes
I try to escape, but he denies my tries.

This man attacks my cripple back with a curse
he takes my wife and stakes her to a hearse
blood drips and rips my fragile bones to dust
my innocence slips away from that day on, I rust.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

25 posted 2008-06-09 10:57 AM

"I don't know if I'm aloud to do this, but I made one of these thingies. Look"

I'm looking,

XTr3m3sT, I like this . I don’t know weather to laugh, cry or turn you in for treason .

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

26 posted 2008-06-09 11:24 AM

Angel,

Most cool that you joined us. It is fun. It is work and it is fun.

May I cheat off your poem on this last assignment, oh one who writes like a rapper?

A

xTr3m3sT
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since 2008-03-03

Posts 415

27 posted 2008-06-09 02:44 PM

Lol, all in good fun Alison :]

Balladeer

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28 posted 2008-06-09 03:52 PM

Angel, you have a ton of internal rhymes there and some of them very clever. Only thing is there is not a lot of order or placement with them. Some you have at the beginning of the sentence, some at the end, some separated by two syllables, some by four or five.

In order for internal rhymes to work well, there needs to be some order, some repetition of placement.

See what you can do.....

xTr3m3sT
Member

since 2008-03-03

Posts 415

29 posted 2008-06-09 06:57 PM

How about this?

Traveling in the shoes of a man who's name is unknown
Walking through this man's life steps is a sight to see.
Aesthetic, poetic, synthetic footsteps I long to stride
walking through, however, you want to sever this tide.
The walking turns into running burns, and I can't stop
burning, turning, yearning steps are ready to run.

As I run fast, I see the past of this man's life
at last he will finally fulfill his own dream.
Running, gunning, stunning visuals keeps me
from trying to stop these excellent drops of glee.
the past turns to present day through this maze
stopping, dropping, flopping time has ended here.

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

30 posted 2008-06-09 10:41 PM

Traveling in the of a man name is unknown
Walking through this man's life steps is a sight to see.
footsteps I long to stride
walking< through>, however,< you> want to sever this tide.
The walking< turns> into running , and I can't stop
steps are ready to run.

As I run , I see the of this man's life
at last he< will> finally ful his own dream.
visuals keeps me
from trying to these excellent of glee.
the past turns present day this maze
time has ended here.

Excellent work, Angel! That is much better, You are a quick study indeed. Now let's continue to work on it. What kind of rhyme scheme do you use? As it stands, you rhyme the 3rd and 4th lines and none of the others rhyme at the end of the lines, sort of a combination of rhyme and free verse. Normally that doesn't work very well. I would suggest you choose. Also there will be a question of meter. If you check back into some of the earlier lessons from the past month you will see where we went into meter and syllable counts in detail. Take a look and see what you can incorporate into this piece.

Let's see how good we can make it. Whaddaya say?

ken206573
Member

since 2008-10-14

Posts 487

31 posted 2008-10-20 06:09 PM

snow in disguise
snow in disguise hiding from the world tonight, falling into sheets, cold like winters fleet, hits my fingers, leaving a shill, which gives me athrill. but appear the way you are, the way i use to know. white as clouds, sparkling like sugar, soft and cold like the rain. then i wonder is the rain in a disguise?

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

32 posted 2008-10-20 10:57 PM

That's a start, Ken. Now put it in poetic form, please..

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member

since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

33 posted 2008-10-21 11:49 PM

Hmmmm! Let's see if I can do this one? It may not be a very long one. LOL! I'll be back!

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member

since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

34 posted 2008-10-21 11:50 PM

Hmmmm! Let's see if I can do this one? It may not be a very long one. LOL! I'll be back!

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member

since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

35 posted 2008-10-21 11:51 PM

Boy, did I mess up. Didn't mean to post that, twice. Can you delete one? Sorry!

Taylor See
Member

since 2008-10-07

Posts 55
North Carolina, US

36 posted 2008-10-22 02:37 PM

This looks interesting...here goes.

Blackened and charred, the broken graveyard
  Burning remains, now blanket the plains.
Billowing ash, trees crumble and crash
  Bursting outcries, as the old forest dies.
Blurry-eyed tears, mourn the ancient of years
  Birds fly overhead; seeing all that is dead
Except one small bud, buried safe in the mud.

And as each player moves their piece, confident and tall
They forget that they can move themselves, in the greatest game of all

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

37 posted 2008-10-22 06:44 PM

Taylor, you're a welcome addition to the workshop. Your internal rhymes were very good. Keep up the good work!

Oklahoma Rose
Senior Member

since 2008-02-28

Posts 1586
Oklahoma USA

38 posted 2008-10-22 10:15 PM

Well, I'm not getting very far on this internal rhyme. Still working on it, though.

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