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It's been long time
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It's been long time |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands 
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I was hurt when you denied our friendship Wich had been close, I thought, for many years I used to tell you all my little pains You were the one to go to with my fears Then suddenly you said I was no friend Because I dared to tell you what was true You used my words and twisted them around So I was looking bad in stead of you You couldn't stand that you were not 'the Queen' Disposing those who would not walk your lane Then one by one, all friends were leaving you In loneliness you claimed we were insane It's been long time, but still you will not see That friendship's based on love's integrity Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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| © Copyright 2003 Titia Geertman - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Titia, Your meter is almost perfect as I see it. I think you may have missed the rhyme scheme a little though. Remember lines 1 and 3 must rhyme as must 5 and 7 as well as 9 and 11. Also, instead should be one word. I know I just keep saying it but I still can't get over how well you are able to write in a second language. I wish I could do that. Thanks, Pete |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Hi Titia! I thought that your sonnet was superb and that your theme development was excellent. It is so sad when old friendships disintegrate. You described it well. Shenachie |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Hey Titia - Pete's done a good job of critiquing for you here. The only thing I would add is that your first line is out of form. It's a trochaic (DUM-da) line rather than iambic (da-DUM). You begin with a stressed syllable - which is frequently done in the poetic world - and end with "friendship," an inherently trochaid word - FRIEND-ship... Other than that - This poem ROCKS!!!...  |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Titia~ I'll leave the technical stuff to the Teacher, but this Sonnetized phrase - 'friendship's based on love's integrity' says it ALL to me~  Love you, dear lady~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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