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Three attempts at Tanka ( I'm sure I'm missing something here)
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Three attempts at Tanka ( I'm sure I'm missing something here) |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
I've made pain my friend for he has given me much understanding when I'm burned from his touch hot things will hurt me again. In a pool of tears I shall wash my hands of you and of wasted years being as you want me to say goodbye, at last, we're through. Deep within a dream I have seen the waking world and a life it seems spiraling in downward swirls caught within times' fading stream. O.K., Im pretty sure about the 57577 format, I'm not too sure about using end rhymes, and I'm completely out of my element when it comes to changing rythym on the 12th or 17th. HELP!!! PS, to all those who thought they were rid of me, guess what? I'm back, I'm bad, I'm big , and I'm blundering my way right back into class! Anybody got a problem with that? Hah! Didn't think so! O.K. I'll go clean the erasers now, maybe sweep the floor, polish a few apples, and hope it's like I never left. Doc |
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SmartChick Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081On A Journey To The Unknown |
Ok Doc! I am definitely no expert. But, what I did notice is (if you don't mind me saying so), it looks to me like you are lacking 2 syllables on the 4th line of the first Tanka. And on the 2nd Tanka, you are lacking 1 syllable on the 3rd line. Other than that, I think you are fine. And, if I have overstepped my boundries, please forgive me. |
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Tammy Blessing Member
since 2002-08-26
Posts 366PA |
Doc, I'm right on with smart chickie there. Other than the sylable thingy (p[lease excuse my typos..it is ver7y late here and I'm very tired) I think you have a hit. I'm not too sure about the 17th line thing. Maybe you aught to bribe Nan with some apples or watermelon or such and ask her? Nice write anyway,no mattter the format, the theme is great! Tammy |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I've made pain my friend for he has given me much understanding when I'm burned from his touch [5 - should be 7] hot things will hurt me again. In a pool of tears I shall wash my hands of you and of wasted years being as you want me to say goodbye, at last, we're through. Deep within a dream I have seen the waking world and a life it seems spiraling in downward swirls caught within times' fading stream. ~*~ You see the one line that needs a little extra umph in count. Doc, Tanka, Haiku, and Senryu do not necessarily have to rhyme. Although it is fun  when they do. Another thing I have noticed in reading these forms of poetry is that contractions are not used. Which makes it a little more difficult...and creates the sparceness that seems so beautiful....My suggestions, therefore, would render your poem to look a little more like this... Pain comes from my friend, for he has given me much understanding when though burned and singed from his touch hot things will hurt me again. In a pool of tears I shall wash my hands of you and of wasted years being as you want me to say goodbye for we are through. Deep within a dream I have seen the waking world and a life it seems spiraling in downward swirls caught within times' fading stream. ~*~ Of course, you are free to now rip apart my suggestions. Enjoyed this, and thank you! |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Sunshine' Thanks, I was not aware of not being able to use contractions in this type of writing. It certainly makes sense as you've explained it, your suggestions will be taken to heart. Doc Tammy, Thanks for the read and comment. Everything new brings a challenge. Some sit and wait and base their work on what has gone before, some are foolish and dive right in, but then again , it's only poetry, and to most it's not a matter of life and death, it just reads that way. Live long, write much. Doc Smartchick, Thanks for pointing that out, even a guy like me can loose count in a format he's not used to, that's why I asked for the help. Thanks again. Doc |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Streams meandering Through time in serpentine way Flow into rivers Converging as one to sea Pure wisdom of a lifetime |
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