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The Dream
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The Dream |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Teacher said we can submit an old one this time  I have one ready and I get to be first this time.The Dream (With gratitude and apology to the master, Edgar Allan Poe) Once upon a midnight, listless, I lay dreaming, ever restless, Had a vision of her, saw her perfect beauty I adore; Oh she lay so close to me, and how I loved her, now I see, Wished this trice might ever be, her in my arms as once before. It was real or so it seemed, then I awoke to dream no more. Was a dream and nothing more. Just a dream, so joyful, cheerful; waking now remorseful, tearful; Wishing I could go on dreaming sweetest dreams like that once more, Sleeping, dreaming dreams so dear of her soft breast held to me near, Losing that I deeply fear to sleep and wake alone once more. Fear to sleep that I might dream and wake alone for evermore. Just a dream and nothing more. Oh so clearly I remember it was in the longest summer And each day seemed even hotter than the hottest one before. Eagerly I sought the midday, vainly hoped that in some fair way We would meet and she might say how she had missed me even more - More than I had hoped she would - God I missed her so much more. Missed her, loved her, so much more. Then oppressive teeming sad gloom of the lonely darkened bedroom Brought its awful weight to bear upon my heart, my mind and more; That was when I started thinking, and was why I started thinking - Must it be I had been drinking some sweet memories from before? What cruel tricks a mind can play - fantastic hopes it holds in store. Missed her, loved her, even more. Soon my thoughts began to wander unto blankness, cast asunder; I must waken, quit the bed, and set my feet firm on the floor. Into darkness I was peering, as I stood there lonely, fearing; My befuddled mind was bearing more than ever borne before - That the sleepy, lonely, lovely, cherished thoughts of her I bore Are confused for evermore. With that musing I was thinking of new fears - my heart was sinking. Sat back down on rumpled bed and wished to dream fair dream once more; Through the night I sat there wondering how my heart, within me burning, Might be freed this ponderous yearning - yearning for her love once more; Just to hold her close again, caress her - know her love once more. Might that happen nevermore? Be it love or lust or passion, my poor heart can only fashion Something worthy of some meaning, as not washed upon the shore By the storms of life's remorseless, ever endless, often senseless Quest for fervor of a temptress - for the turmoil to explore, For the fury and the passion, love's confusion to explore. Understanding nevermore. If it seems that I am thinking of some vulgar lusty linking To a less than worthy woman, then forgiveness I implore; No, I mean a lovely goddess, whom all know is truly faultless, To impeach her virtue's senseless - all her charm I do adore. Love her beauty and her wit, her smile, her touch, all that and more. She may love me nevermore. In her lovely eyes I see a sweetheart, who most dear to me, Made my heart sing every time I saw the smile she always wore. That she could be my dear lover made me feel a little younger; Might it last a little longer - longer than the time before - Might that lovely, special passion linger longer than before? May I love her? Nevermore. Just a touch from her soft hand gave me a thrill - you'd understand - In my arms to hold her closely made me tremble to the core, And to see her shapely hips, caress her with my finger tips, Taste the love that's on her lips . . . I need that love for evermore. Tender touches, loving gestures, sweetest kisses I adore. May I kiss her? Nevermore. Ah, that sweetest time in passing of our two lives briefly crossing Makes me wonder how it happened - makes me now my soul outpour. All those dear words that were spoken truly were a loving token From a heart which now is broken - dreams in splinters on the floor - Broken heart whose hopes lie there with gloomy darkness gloating o'er. May I see her? Nevermore. Oh to sleep and dream again, to feel her love transcend the pain; Lovely dream with her so close, so dear to me I might ignore Want and sorrow I have known. Since last we met 'twas surely shown Broken heart I can't condone . . . I miss her love for evermore. And my heart from out that dream, its memories shattered on the floor, Shall be set free . . . Nevermore. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
WHEW! Quite an undertaking there, Pete. I applaud the effort. If you ever want it critiqued, let me know..  Poe is my idol....  [This message has been edited by Balladeer (06-05-2002 05:12 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Michael, mine too, and I would love to hear your comments and advice. Pete |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
ok, Pete...great! May take a little while but I;ll get on it....it will be fun!  I do like the poem, btw...  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
OK, here we go. First we need to analyze the poem The Raven which you fashioned your poem after and which I believe is the greatest poem ever written. The poem has often been admired as having perfect trochaic structure but there are a few exceptions which I believe Poe did for a reason. I'll go into that when they come up. His basic structure is simple: The first line consisting of two eight-syllable stanzas joined together Second line consisting of fifteen syllables Third line a duplicate of the first line Fourth line consisting of one eight-syllable stanza and one seven-syllable stanza Fifth line consisting of seven syllables. The rhyme scheme is: A....A B C....C C....B B B Poe wrote The Raven in trochaic form (DA-dum). There were a few areas where he deviated from these guidelines but I think I know why. Imagine me critiquing Poe! He must be turning over in his grave! Poe had a way to make the reader read his lines the way he wanted them to be read, almost as if they were being spoken aloud. Let's take the second line: Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.. On the surface this line deviates from the rest. First it has 17 syllables instead of 15, second the trochaic breaks down with "many a quaint", which would be DA-dum-dum-DA. However I believe Poe meant the first part of this line to be read rapidly and, when you read it, I think you will feel that you go through the first part much quicker than the second. The "y" in "many" and the following "a" blend together to produce one sound, making "many a" sound like two syllables instead of three and making the sound DA-dum-DA, perfect trochaic. The same goes for the word "curious" which, when read in the speed it is intended, becomes "cur-yous", two syllables instead of three with the trochaic form maintained. Why do I believe he did this intentionally?...because, with the exception of the second stanza where he does the same with the word "separate", EVERY second line is 15 syllables and in perfect form. Being the perfectionist he was, it is inconceivable that Poe would would create a line two syllables longer than his intricate construction called for, therefore it was intentional. Also, when you read it, I believe that you will read it exactly as he perceived you would and the flow will feel perfect, the additional two syllables being unnoticible. To me, this is the mark of pure genius. One of the greatest problems we have as writers is reading our words in ways different than the ways other readers may read them, therefore coming up with different flows and accents. For example, I may write: I CAME to SEE what I could DO....perfect iambic But it may be read by others as: I came to SEE what I could DO or I CAME to see WHAT I could DO If you study Poe's works you will see that he left little to chance that his poetry would be read exactly as he intended it to be read....that is the genius of his work. Ok, Pete, enough of that has-been! Let's move on to your poem Your first line is fine....the second is not. "Had a vision of her, saw her perfect beauty I adore" The syllable count is good but you lose the flow. HAD a Vision OF her....this is good SAW her PERfect BEAUty I a DORE...the accent on PER is deadly, throws the flow completely off..it should be read "SAW her perfect BEAUty i aDORE" but then that kills the trochaic. When you lose either way, it's time to change the line. I would suggest.... Had a vision of her, saw her beauty I came to adore No, that still won't work. It's structurally correct but it doesn't have the feel. Let me try to explain..here are the first 8 syllables of all your second lines: Had a vision of her, saw her Wishing I could go on dreaming And each day seemed even hotter Brought its awful weight to bear up- I must waken, quit the bed, and Sat back down on rumpled bed and Something worthy of some meaning To a less than worthy woman Made my heart sing every time I In my arms to hold her closely Makes me wonder how it happened Lovely dreams with her so close, so I don't know if I can explain this very well, Pete, it's more a feel than anything else but most of the lines above flow smoothly from the first 8 syllable going into the second part but the first stanza doesn't. I would change it so it does. For example: Had a vision of her sleeping, perfect beauty I adore...as opposed to Had a vision of her, saw her beauty I came to adore Which sounds better to you? The rest of the first stanza is excellent. Second stanza is perfection. Third Stanza....missing a syllable in the fifth line. Rhyming "remember" and "summer" is unacceptable Fourth Stanza....fine. I don't care for rhyming thinking and thinking. Fifth stanza.....good! Sixth stanza...trying to rhyme wondering with burning and yearning is unacceptable. Seventh stanza....remorseless and senseless are imperfect but acceptable. Eighth stanza....it's the same with the rhymes. It's ok...you can do it that way and have it accepted, especially if you are reciting it, but rhyming goddess, faultless and senseless is very sub-par. Yes, they all end in -ess but the rules state that when multiple-syllable words have the same ending then the preceeding or accented syllables must rhyme. For example, dutiful and beautiful, not dutiful and faithful. Senseless and defenseless, not senseless and goddess. Ninth stanza...lover/ younger  Tenth stanza....good! Eleventh stanza...passing/crossing. Otherwise this stanza is wonderful! Twelfth stanza...yes! There are one or two other points but I don't want to make this any more confusing than I already have! I don't mean to harp on the rhyming words, Pete, but it's a sore spot with me, I guess. Here in Florida in the groups I belong to they HATE rhyming poetry! The main reason they hate it is cheap rhymes. Rhyming poetry can be the most beautiful poetry there is or it can be the worst..and it all depends on the effort put into it. Cheap or lazy rhymes are what makes it the worst, along with bad meter, of course. A good or experienced poet will cringe to hear a bad rhyming combination. Free versers are not burdened by this obligation. We take it upon ourselves when we choose to rhyme and we owe it to the form to put out the effort to do it correctly. Okay, enough of the soapbox!! Your poem is excellent, Pete. One syllable missed out of 72 lines? Awesome! Almost flawless rythym?....awesome again. I doubt that a handful of people here at Passions could have written this poem as well as you did and I congratulate you, sir [This message has been edited by Balladeer (06-05-2002 10:48 PM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ah, Good Sir, I thank you so much for the time and effort you have put into this critique. You have pointed out a number of areas which do in fact need work. This started as just an exercise but I came to like it and it just grew. It is 3 or so years old but I go back sometimes and find a word or two that could better be changed. I can't remember now who said, "A poem is finished when the poet is safely six feet under." But it seems to be an accurate statement. You can probably guess that "The Raven" is my all time favorite too. I remember in highschool spending some time in detention (too much time actually) and instead of studying schoolwork, I memorized the whole damn poem. Well, I have slept too many times since and forgotten most of it but I do have printed a copy (several, actually) My wife gave me a little book about some of Poe's work. In it he explained how and why "The Raven" was written as it was. Somewhere I also have excerpts from an essay he wrote which reinforce much of what you said above, particularly the meter and why what outwardly appears to be three syllables can be considered trochaic or iambic. Of course, there are many who disagree with him on that matter. I will find that essay and forward to you. I'll also get the title of the little book. You will probably find it very interesting, if you don't already have it. Thanks again, Michael. I like your suggestions and will work on it as I have the time. Pete I came back to add: It may take a while to find that essay again, it was on the web and I don't remember the url. As I recall though, his explanation was something like, it is not so much the absolute number of syllables as the length of time it takes to pronounce them. Those are not his words but they do seem to reinforce your thinking. Great work, my friend. [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (06-06-2002 11:28 AM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
No, I don't have that book, Pete. I do have every other one, I think. I have books that he wrote on poetic consruction and it is amazing how much he knew. The fact that everything he wrote was esthetically perfect was not an accident..it was from a supreme knowledge of every poetic rule. The fact that his works read so easily is a testament of how hard he worked to make it that way. He is DA MAN!!! Glad you enjoyed the critique and I appreciate your thoughts... |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Darn, Deer - You're good...  Pete, I really enjoyed this work - and I think you've gotten a great review from Mike... (who also gives Poe a run for his money)...  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Teach. I am pleased that you enjoyed it. And, you are right, Mike is Da Man, well maybe right behind Mr Poe, that is. Hey Mike, sorry to be slow but here is the info on that little book. It is one of a series subtitled "Everyman's Library of Pocket Poets." This one is titled "Poe" Pub by: Alfred A Knopf, Inc, NY, 1995 ISBN: 0-679445056 My wife feels pretty sure she found it at Barnes & Noble. I am sure you will enjoy the poets descriptions of how and why he wrote what he did. Thanks again for the wonderful critique. Pete |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
When I finished reading you poem Pete, I was like "WOWSA!" When I finished reading Balladeer's lessons, my jaw hit the floor and I was (and still am) utterly impressed by how this poem is set up. Balladeer made me go back over and over again and to be honest I had no idea "building" a poem like this existed. Geesh there's still so much to learn! This one goes into my library Pete. Not only because I'd like to read Balladeer's explanation again, not only because your poem is a real challenge to try myself one day... nope... simply because it's an awesome poem! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Aw Munda, you are so sweet. Thank you dear lady. Pete |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Pete, This whole thread starting with your poem was so impressive that I was almost too intimidated to ever post again. But I bit the bullet and posted anyway. How else am I gonna learn? Thank you for sharing and inspiring the rest of us. Shenachie |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Pete, I read this several days ago from my office, but didn't have a chance to respond, and I'm glad, because it meant I got a chance to read it all over again this morning ... but this time, out loud, from the comfort of my home. I thoroughly enjoyed this ... what a wonderful piece, indeed!  Best wishes, /Kit |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thank you very much ladies. I am pleased that you enjoyed it. You are much too generous but I gladly accept it anyway. Thanks, Pete |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Thank you for the info, Pete. I can assure you I;ll find that book!  |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Wow, What apoem! I have come to realize how much I don't know about poetry. I have never paid attention to syllable count, nor to all the varioations I could have been using. This worshop has been a great help to me. Thanks Nan and Balladeer for your wonderful lessons. Now to apply them. Good work, Not a Poet.Best regards Liz |
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