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Salt Water by Schenachie
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Salt Water by Schenachie |
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Class Member
since 1999-12-21
Posts 93In Poetry Class |
Well folks, it looks like we have a talented writer on our hands, but she is so busy she has yet to figure out all the ins and outs of getting around in Passions. She submitted this writing last week, took some suggestions, did a re-write, and asked if I would submit this under "Class" again for your review, opinions, suggestions and general critiques. She certainly appreciated your last go-around! So, sit back, enjoy, and lend us your eyes...not to mention, emotions...Cheers! Karilea Salt Water Salt water is an ocean of tears. Sitting on the beach, remembering her husband lost at sea when his plane went down. This was supposed to be a light-hearted occasion. Yet, fresh waves of grief rip through her causing her to gasp for breath. Is there no end to grief? She watches as her grandchildren run excitedly along the beach, splashing in the waves that are breaking gently, endlessly on the shoreline. If the ocean is anything it is eternal. She feels a nearness to her husband in visiting his watery grave. She struggles to contain her grief trying not to cast a pall on the party. This is a celebration of life. There would be no grief if life had not been joyous. She tells herself to Remember the joy. Let the grief go. There would be no loss if there had not been fullness in life. It is so hard to let go, move on, accept the loss, to be aware of anything, except the loss. Yet, she must. The children need her. Shenachie 20 January 2002 Revised 27 January 2002 |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
I felt the movement of the loss~ 'If the ocean is anything it is eternal.' YES ! 'There would be no grief if life had not been joyous.' So much in this thought ... so much~ A compelling read~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
shenachie, While this is not my style, I would not change one word. It is a very evocative piece that holds not only the attention of the reader, but also the promise of greater things. Doc |
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Casidy Junior Member
since 2002-01-27
Posts 36The Heart of Texas |
Okay I am new at this... and this is just a general suggestion... might be one of those to toss out the window sort of suggestions... but I would switch the placement of the following two lines... her husband lost at sea when his plane went down. so that it reads: when his plane went down her husband lost at sea. I think it would open the poem with a bit more of the feeling that the rest of the poem maintains already... |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
As you know I'm not very good in "reading" free verse, but this poem - filled with emotions - held me spellbound from the very beginning. Personally I wouldn't change a word. Well done!  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
As our wonderful poets here will attest, I'm a format fanatic... I rarely write free verse... But I did truly enjoy this piece. You've use imagery to enhance your work quite nicely... You've expressed some very deep-seated emotions that would have a difficult time conforming to structured verse. I think this poem 'belongs' in free verse, and you've done a wonderful job with it... Welcome to Passions, my friend..  |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Thanks to all of you. I am much encouraged by your generous response and think that I'll keep writing. Bridget Shenachie |
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