Salt Water by Schenachie - pipTalk Forums

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Class
Member

since 1999-12-21

Posts 93
In Poetry Class

0 posted 2002-01-29 09:15 AM

Well folks, it looks like we have a talented writer on our hands, but she is so busy she has yet to figure out all the ins and outs of getting around in Passions. She submitted this writing last week, took some suggestions, did a re-write, and asked if I would submit this under "Class" again for your review, opinions, suggestions and general critiques. She certainly appreciated your last go-around! So, sit back, enjoy, and lend us your eyes...not to mention, emotions...Cheers! Karilea

Salt Water

Salt water is an ocean of tears.
Sitting on the beach,
remembering
her husband lost at sea
when his plane went down.

This was supposed to be a light-hearted occasion.
Yet, fresh waves of grief rip through her
causing her to gasp for breath.
Is there no end to grief?

She watches as her grandchildren
run excitedly along the beach,
splashing in the waves that are breaking gently,
endlessly on the shoreline.
If the ocean is anything
it is eternal.
She feels a nearness to her husband
in visiting his watery grave.
She struggles to contain her grief
trying not to cast a pall on the party.

This is a celebration of life.
There would be no grief if life
had not been joyous.
She tells herself to
Remember the joy.
Let the grief go.
There would be no loss if there
had not been fullness in life.

It is so hard to let go,
move on,
accept the loss,
to be aware of anything,
except the loss.
Yet, she must.
The children need her.

Shenachie
20 January 2002
Revised 27 January 2002

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

1 posted 2002-01-29 10:08 AM

I felt the movement of the loss~

'If the ocean is anything
it is eternal.'

YES !

'There would be no grief if life
had not been joyous.'

So much in this thought ... so much~

A compelling read~
*Hugs*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

2 posted 2002-01-29 07:55 PM

shenachie,
While this is not my style, I would not change one word. It is a very evocative piece that holds not only the attention of the reader, but also the promise of greater things.
Doc

Casidy
Junior Member

since 2002-01-27

Posts 36
The Heart of Texas

3 posted 2002-02-01 01:41 PM

Okay I am new at this... and this is just a general suggestion... might be one of those to toss out the window sort of suggestions... but I would switch the placement of the following two lines...

her husband lost at sea
when his plane went down.

so that it reads:

when his plane went down
her husband lost at sea.

I think it would open the poem with a bit more of the feeling that the rest of the poem maintains already...

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

4 posted 2002-02-05 02:45 PM

As you know I'm not very good in "reading" free verse, but this poem - filled with emotions - held me spellbound from the very beginning. Personally I wouldn't change a word. Well done!

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

5 posted 2002-02-07 10:31 AM

As our wonderful poets here will attest, I'm a format fanatic... I rarely write free verse... But I did truly enjoy this piece.

You've use imagery to enhance your work quite nicely... You've expressed some very deep-seated emotions that would have a difficult time conforming to structured verse. I think this poem 'belongs' in free verse, and you've done a wonderful job with it...

Welcome to Passions, my friend..

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member

since 2002-01-23

Posts 1056
Kansas USA

6 posted 2002-02-19 12:58 PM

Thanks to all of you. I am much encouraged by your generous response and think that I'll keep writing.

Bridget Shenachie

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