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Sonnet? I.
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Sonnet? I. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York 
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I. Behold, thine Heavens do speak this morn On weathered wind for all to hear Questioning heart mine hath been torn Music doth fall upon deaf ear Most times the tender heart does beat In thunderous tune with One above It is this tune we all repeat An endless journey I once did love Eternal beauty eyes once did see Reflected in mine self but true Resting in tranquility Savored thus and kept for you In this world I spend my life Murderous existence of haste and strife (Please tear it apart - truly - my first attempt and need insight - also - naming a sonnet - please elaborate - thank you) |
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| © Copyright 2003 Sue Eckam - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Sue? I don't venture into the workshop. Nor can I honor your request to be fractionated. (laughing at my verbiage)(Oops! did it again)(sheesh) Because I know NOTHING of form or function, Or, have the first inkling of how a sonnet works....I leave this to those that do. Ed |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
OK, Sue - I've gone over your poem, and I have some feedback for you... "You asked for it - You got it..." This is pretty darned good for a first sonnet... Your rhyme scheme is – a-b-a-b-c-d-c-d-e-f-e-f-g-g – conforming to the classic Shakespearean Sonnet. Your meter is primarily iambic tetrameter – deviating from the classic iambic pentameter that is an accepted signature of the true sonnet. An iambic foot consists of an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable (unstressed-STRESSED)… Such as the word “be-HOLD” – as opposed to the word, “MU-sic,” which is trochaic (STRESSED-unstressed) Iambic pentameter consists of five metered iambic feet per line of verse. The lines in your poem deviate as I’ve indicated below. I’ve separated the poem into metered feet as I read them, and find your lines to be primarily tetrametered (four feet per line). be-HOLD/thine-HEAV/ens-do-SPEAK/this-MORN on-WEATH/ered-WIND/for-ALL/to-HEAR QUEST/ion-ing-HEART/mine-HATH/been-TORN MU/sic-DOTH/fall-up-ON/deaf-EAR most-TIMES/the-TEN/der-HEART/does-BEAT in-THUN/der-ous-TUNE/with-ONE/a-BOVE it-IS/this-TUNE/we-ALL/re-PEAT an-END/less-JOUR/ney-i-ONCE/did-LOVE e-TER/nal-BEAU/ty-EYES/ONCE/did-SEE re-FLECT/ed-IN/mine-SELF/but-TRUE REST/ing-IN/tran-QUIL/I-TY SA/vored-THUS/and-KEPT/for-YOU IN/this-WORLD/I-SPEND/my-LIFE MUR/der-OUS/ex-ISTence-of-HASTE/and-STRIFE Here are some suggestions to round off your meter to both "iambic" and "pentameter." Remember, though - They're ONLY suggestions. This is YOUR poem - Don't take any advice that isn't comfortable to you as the writer... Behold, thine Heavens as they speak this morn On weathered wind above for all to hear Heart questioning wherein mine hath been torn Doth music fall its note upon deaf ear Most times the tenderest of heart does beat In thund’rous melody with One above It is this tune we evermore repeat An endless journey that I once did love Eternal beauty eyes that once did see Reflected ever in mine self but true Are resting now within tranquility And savored thus are herein kept for you Now in this world I spend my daily life In murderous extant of haste and strife [This message has been edited by Nan (03-23-2003 06:55 PM).] |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
LittleWing~ Pretty gosh-darned GOOD ! That 'Teach' ... she's a hard worker, isn't she ? Yup ! *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Thank you so much - goodness I had no idea so much was involved in a sonnet - Nancy - I will take your advice for the next time - I posted this already lol - Marge thank you so very much - still cant believe I actually wrote it . . . Ed - is ok - you have helped me much already but TY xxoo [This message has been edited by littlewing (03-24-2003 07:03 PM).] |
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