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My dad, who was my father - sonnet
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My dad, who was my father - sonnet |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands 
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ode to my dad, the painter, who loved nature in all her mysterious ways ~~~~~~~~~~~ In mist I see a flair of burning red I know the sun will follow very soon Behind my back there is the fading moon It always does remember me of dad He was a man of nature and so pure A man who needed little words to speak In showing feelings he was very weak He was my father I felt that for sure He was an artist and his world was paint He saw the beauty in the little things He taught me well in how to spread my wings He was my father but he was no saint And so in silence when I see the sun I like to think of him with lots of fun ~~~~~~~~~~~ I did bend the sonnet's format a little A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link. |
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Canuckster Member
since 2002-01-09
Posts 285New Mexico, USA |
Titia, I'm very impressed with how you write in this form especially in view of English being your second language. I've had smatterings of other languages, but I don't think I could write near as well as you have here. As you recognize at the end of your poem, there are a few minor flaws in the poem. A few grammar rules were sacrificed to keep format. I'll point them out, but it's just to be helpful. I want you to know that I think overall you've done a very good job. In mist I see a flair of burning red I know the sun will follow very soon Behind my back there is the fading moon It always does remember me of dad (Red and Dad is an assonance and not a rhyme. Remember is not the right form of the word grammatically. In usual speech it would be "remind." Your word choice makes the meter work, but it stands out as feeling awkward as it stands.) He was a man of nature and so pure A man who needed little words to speak In showing feelings he was very weak He was my father I felt that for sure (This stanza is much better. Your rhymes are good and the meter. "Little words" is probably OK, but usually the more grammatically common and proper words would be "few words." Again you select to your meter and you achieve a good iambic pentameter.) He was an artist and his world was paint He saw the beauty in the little things He taught me well in how to spread my wings He was my father but he was no saint (No reall items here. You have good meter and the rhyme and grammar is fine to my ear.) And so in silence when I see the sun I like to think of him with lots of fun (The rhyming couplet is fine. No real items to point out here.) Overall your poem would read better if you went back and punctuated it. The lack of punctuation makes your reader have to work a little hard to make it flow naturally. I hope this helps and again, don't take this as stinging criticism. I'm amazed at how well you have picked up this form and how well you work it for a second language. Keep writing! never try to teach a pig to sing |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Thank you so much for your advice. Balladeer wrote me a mail saying there was some lack of grammar, thanks for showing them to me. I'm always eager to learn. I'll try to rewrite the poem, using your advice. Question: what do you mean by punctuation? These? ...and ,,,?? I'll post the remake when I'm done. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I believe Canuckster would be referring to commas, periods, and the like. As for his other suggestions, I believe he is right on target. You are hereby commended for making English look so darn easy! |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
I think Nan is loving having you around Canuckster. You're helping to turn the Workshop into the interactive class she has been hoping for from the start.  Titia: Punctuation = leestekens, zoals komma, punt, punt-komma, dubbele punt, aanhalingstekens, etc. I've seen you getting started on sonnets just a little while ago and you've done extremely well. You make me proud to be Dutch. |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Hi Sunshine, English looking darn easy???? I'm always having trouble with my grammar and synonyms LOL Munda, I thought so, but wasn't sure. Thanks for your lovely words. I'm trying, I'm trying. Didn't know about red and dad not rhyming, thought they sounded alike. Does it looks better this way??? I know, the sun will follow very soon Behind my back, there is the fading moon Reminds me of my father, but he's dead He was a man of nature and so pure A man, who needed just few words to speak In showing feelings, he was very weak He was my father, I felt that for sure He was an artist and his world was paint He saw the beauty in the little things He taught me well, in how to spread my wings He was my father, but he was no saint And so in silence, when I see the sun I like to think of him, with lots of fun A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link. [This message has been edited by Titia Geertman (01-20-2002 08:04 PM).] |
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Tracey Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808where insanity meets breeding |
Hey, the re-write looks good to me Titia. I don't know much about sonnets, so I am madly trying to learn from everyone else before I attempt to write one. If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please? |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Thanks Tracey, I did put it in critiques too and they gave me some advice on grammar and use of English. I'm always trying to improve that. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
This is SOOO kewl.. Canuckster is absolutely right..! Um.. Sunshine's right too... and Munda's right... and so is Tracey... Write on, Titia... You're right too...  |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
For someone who says she doesn't have much time to write, you sure do a great job of faking it, Titia. I'm finally getting the da DUM, da DUM part...kinda, sorta. I can't imagine writing a sonnet in a language that wasn't my first. I'm impressed! |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Thanks to all of you, but I know it's not quite right yet. Got some really great advice from our Balladeer, wich made me very happy. He did show me some items on the use of the English language. As I told him: I've no trouble with the da dums and the meter, just to find the right words in good English that will express my feelings. Often in second languages, one is lacking of synonyms with the right meaning. Duncan, I am as busy as I said, but this poem didn't take me long to write, maybe 1,5 hour altogether. It never takes long to write a poem, they just pop out, but I want the language to be right too so I've to study on that a bit more. Keep going on your da dums, you have to say your sentences outlout, as almost singing the rythm, than you'll get the hang of it, I'm sure. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Titia, Count me in among the impressed ones. I've no doubt you'll be spouting sonnets all over the place from what I've seen here. ( For me) this has a simple honesty to it which carries through-out. I'm sure your Dad would be honored. Doc |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Hey guys, sorry but here's another remake. Got some privat English lesson today (ha ha you sure would know who gave them to me??? Won't tell you though, I'll keep him all to myself  )Here's my final change: I know the sun will follow very soon When I look up there is a fading moon Reminds me of my father - who is dead He was a man of nature and so pure A man, who needed just few words to speak In showing feelings, he was very weak But the unspoken love, I felt for sure He was an artist and his world was paint He saw the beauty in the little things He taught me well, in how to spread my wings He was my father, but he was no saint Sweet memories are coming to my mind Such memories are never hard to find Thank you all for your support Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Titia, Before I saw you had posted this revision here, I commented on it in CA. Check over there for my take on it when you have a minute. Pete |
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