»
Main Forums
»
Poetry Workshop
»
An Aerie Silence
| Poetry Workshop |
|
An Aerie Silence |
|
|
Canuckster Member
since 2002-01-09
Posts 285New Mexico, USA 
|
This is my first posting here and it is admittedly flawed in ways that I will simply allow you to examine and have a field day with here in the workshop. I wrote this shortly after 9/11 and forced things in a way that I usually wouldn't to make it as least a pseudo-sonnet. Have at it! An Aerie Silence An eagle sits upon his perch and cries A bird inclined to turn away from fear Surveys his forest through a lens-like tear And still in grief upon the winds wings rise Shoulders weak from wracking sobs fight a stiff breeze With outstretched wings aloft among the vents And circling forest marred by earth churned rents A tightness in the chest amongst the heaves Eagle rise above the smoke and fly Battling winds just serve to drive you higher While still mindful of the burning pyre You see through tears to prey destined to die Rodents scurry quickly to your holes Aerie dwellers have you as their goals © 9/20/2001 Bart Breen never try to teach a pig to sing it wastes your time AND annoys the pig |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Bart Breen - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Howdy Canuckster, and welcome to Passions! As for the sonnet, I really enjoyed the overall handling of the theme, as well as the naturistic imagery and personification of the eagle and rodents. The meter is solid in the first quatrain, but changes in the second, going from iambic to spondaic (two long beats), most noticable in the line beginning 'Shoulders weak'. The envelope rhyme (abba) is very consistent throughout the quatrains, and I also appreciated the near-rhyme (which is allowable).  One excellent site for poetic definitions is http://shoga.wwa.com/~rgs/glossary.html , Glossary of Poetic Terms. Given the events surrounding the inspiration for the sonnet, I can understand full well the difficulties in writing a fitting tribute. BTW, this is persnikitty from the MSN chatroom Poetry's Passion.  Alicat “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Bart, I agree with Ali on the meter problems. I also found it a bit hard to follow with no punctuation. A little guidance for the reader would be helpful, IMHO. I do like the content. I tried to write one but was not able. Thanks, Pete |
||
|
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Hey Canuck Nice to see you - photo and all - How kewl.. I agree with the guys - Your first stanza complies to the rules nicely.. You do deviate a bit after that, as you know.. I also see from your own critiques that you're quite well versed in the format, so do ignore any suggestions if you don't care for them... It's YOUR poem, after all..  If I were setting your work to strict format, I'd take these nips & tucks.. (5) - Weak shoulders wracking sobs stiff fighting breeze - (10)- Winds battling serve to simply drive you higher (11)- While mindful all the while of the burning pyre (13)- As rodents scurry quickly to your holes (14)- The aerie dwellers have you as their goals Just me being a stickler for meter... Ignore me... |
||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
What's left to say for a Dutchie after the replies from three sonnet masters and still make sense? Nothing!  But I enjoyed the read and learned from the replies.  |
||
|
Canuckster Member
since 2002-01-09
Posts 285New Mexico, USA |
Thanks for your input on this. I knew what the problem were with this on a pure sonnet basis, but so far I just haven't been able to want to force it into the mold. Something so ugly to remember, shouldn't have the luxury of beauty of form. Sometimes it's good to have a turkey strut with the peacocks .... that way you learn to hear the gobble when you're looking at one.  never try to teach a pig to sing |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
