Poem #2 for the Augusta Exotica challenge... form acrostic

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Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

0 posted 2000-08-23 01:17 PM

Spread Love Not War

Winner grabs it all, thus the wise old men say,
And the loser is distraught, in gains of naught,
Race after race fought, listlessly to this day,
Submerged in a lusty tempest, hopelessly caught.

Wasting fellow beings, lecherously taking lives,
On the pretext of land, in the name of religion,
Negating life's meaning, death's ghastly legion.
.
.
.
Worrisome stressed life in a concrete heaven,
Aiming just to be holier than one's neighbour,
Ravaging morality in a foolish greed's haven,
Savagely biting at each other like wild boars.

Landmines blasted to gather trophied possessions,
Ominous facets lurk, sinful, replete with felony,
Surrounding self with another's ill-gotten wealth,
Time after time surviving a harming disharmony.
.
.
.
Wondering to myself, I end up in a struggle -
Harassing asks of the why of man's vocations,
Often ending estranged, in deranged vacations.

Wisdom never manages to gain any solid basis -
Oblique tangential waves from blood-fed hounds,
Nectar of life remains, non-churned and unfound.
.
.
.
Wisecracks of today are armed with nuclear buttons,
Hazardous to not just an army but an entire crowd,
Obliterating souls in blanket of mushroomed shroud.

Let us liberate ourselves from this deathward crawl,
Ostracise ideas of this quite needless competition,
Save our souls while we can from the ungainly brawls,
To a better acceptable future, let's draw a petition.
?
?
?

--- tell me about this --- please ---

[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 08-23-2000).]

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-11-08

Posts 9269
Pennsylvania

1 posted 2000-08-23 07:45 PM

This is a wonderful acrostic. You used the four stresses in double length lines, but I think Jim said they didn't have to be 3 or 4. They can be longer. Your acrostic flows well and the suject interesting. Your theme well developed and a sound conclusion. I think it's great! Let's see what Jim says.

I am not happy with the two I wrote. I think the subject matter could be more interesting. My poems are so bland after reading yours. I'm trying to get the feel for this type of poetry and am anxious to see JIm's post
Liz

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

2 posted 2000-09-06 12:21 PM

*bumping* this one also to gain Jim's attention...

Thanks for understanding,
regards,
sudhir

Romy
Senior Member

since 2000-05-28

Posts 1170
Plantation, Florida

3 posted 2000-09-06 05:00 PM

This is great, I guess I've never seen a poem written like this before! Can't wait to try myself! Good Work, it looks very difficult!

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

4 posted 2000-09-10 08:56 AM

Sudhir - I know that I like your poem - I like the way you've managed to incorporate your repetitions into an acrostic format, and you've effectively developed your theme in the process... Your message is a wonderful one.

I don't know if it adhere's to Jim's guidelines for this form of poetry - I acquiesce to his wisdom on that point.

Nice job, at any rate....

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

5 posted 2000-09-12 12:42 PM

Sudhir:

I apologize for being so late in responding. Real-life has been keeping me too busy. I don't think the poem truly fits the "Canaanite/Hebrew" bill but it certainly is a good example of rhyming, English verse.

I do want to commend you on your handling of the theme. You live in India, right? If my memory serves me correctly, there is a rather uncomfortable, ongoing cold war, of sorts, between India and Pakistan. Nicely handled and well written.

The inexcusably late Jim

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant

since 2000-04-26

Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium

6 posted 2000-09-12 01:16 PM

Debbie,
Thanks a million for your kind words... it is fun to do this...

Nan,
Thank you so much for your very kind words...

Jim,
Thanks a lot for finding some time... I appreciate your reply so very much... late or not, doesn't matter, since these words passed in front of your eyes.

Could you please elaborate on why this doesn't fit in the scheme of things? Or are there simply too many reasons to give...

I really wish to know. Please respond to this if as and when you have the time...

regards and much thanks,
sudhir.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

7 posted 2000-09-14 12:26 PM

Sudhir:

Per your request:

quote:
PRIMARY CHARACTERISTICS:

1. Rhythm:

The rhythm in Hebrew poetry is usually comprised by a fixed number of stresses (or accented beats) but, unlike English verse, does not require a fixed number of syllables. Most often, there will be three stressed syllables in a line matched by another three in the following line to form a couplet (two lines of poetry that form a unit in a poem). You can vary this pattern in several ways:

(1) the couplets can occasionally be longer than three stresses per line;
(2) a triplet (three lines of poetry that form a single unit in a poem) can be used instead of a couplet;
(3) or the couplet may have a three-beat line answered by a two-beat second line (the two-beat line is usually used in taunts or laments).

Now consider your first stanza:

quote:
WIN-ner / GRABS it / ALL, THUS / the WISE / (OLD) MEN / SAY,
and the LOS- / er is / dis-TRAUGHT / in GAINS / of NAUGHT,
RACE AF- / -ter RACE / FOUGHT, LIST- / -less-ly TO / this DAY,
sub-MERGED / in a LUST- / -y TEMP- / -est, HOPE- / -less-ly CAUGHT.

For the most part, I would consider your meter loosely iambic pentameter with generous substitutions (some conventional, others not). Hebrew/Canaanite does not count total numbers of syllables but, rather, counts ACCENTED syllables. As a result, as I mentioned in my introduction to this form:

quote:
It is not unusual for one line to have seven or more syllables and the following line have only three or four. Again, it is the number of stresses, rather than the number of syllables, that is important.

Also, regarding "Parallelism":

quote:
2. Parallelism:

A hallmark of Canaanite and Hebrew poetry is parallelism: the echoing of a thought of one line of verse in a second, partner line. There are many varieties of parallelisms:

(1) a virtual repetition of the preceding line;
(2) amplification of the idea expressed/described in the preceding line;
(3) or an antithesis (opposite) of the idea in the preceding line.

The use of parallelism gives the reader some time to chew on what is being said, allowing the thought to hit home. Because this style of poetry emphasizes meaning over strict rhythm, all of you who become world renown poets published in dozens of languages can rest assured that your poetry written in this style will not lose all of its effect.

You do seem to be using this tool, to a degree, but, in my opinion, the rhyme scheme of the poem distracts from the more-often-then-not subtle parallelisms. This is not necessarily a bad thing ... it would be much the same as playing down or omitting the thematic turn characteristic in Line 9 of traditional sonnets.

You use rhyme and acrostic tools (secondary to Hebrew/Canaanite poetry) but these tools are incidental to the form (again, in my opinion). I like this poem and wouldn't suggest that you scrap it. If you do decide, however, to try a re-write, comforming more closely to the primary characteristics of this form of poetry, I would suggest that you drop the rhyme and pay close attention to the number of accents per line. And ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS read the poem aloud and pay attention to the the sound of the words (duration, accent, etc.) to try to gauge whether or not the sound compliments the theme.

Just a few suggestions.

Jim

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