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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Pernicious Comes The Night...(finished product) |
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Starith Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 176Leesburg, FL USA |
I can no longer fight The darkness that invades Pernicious comes the night I've lost all of my might For there are no more aides I can no longer fight And now I face my plight This evil that pervades Pernicious comes the night Death offers sweet invite Eternal midnight bades I can no longer fight Forever fades the light In shadowy cascades Pernicious comes the night The harsh light flees from sight My vision slowly fades I can no longer fight Pernicious comes the night I hope you enjoy this as much as my quatrain! ------------------ We are only truly apperciated after we are no more! [This message has been edited by Starith (edited 10-08-1999).] [This message has been edited by Starith (edited 10-09-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Starith - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
 applause! Love this ... the meter stumbles here and there but overall, it is well executed ... your last couplet truly does define your theme. Impressive! Nocht ------------------ "Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus" (Now as I hear this bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.") |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
Starith, This is a lovely poem. I think there's a couple of places were the meter isn't exactly uniform and as a fellow classmate, I thought I'd point out the places where the meter changes (is that what we're supposed to do, here?) Then, when our knowledgeable teacher comes in and comments, I'll be able to figure out if I'm on or off base with this. All in all, you've truly done a wonderful job with this. A little meter-tweaking, though, could make it better, imho (obviously, I am not an expert or I wouldn't be taking this class!) What helps ME is to read it outloud. Oh, and btw, i wouldn't be able to tell you iambic from triambic from any of those other big words... LOL... just know how things sound. ALL OF THE OTHER STANZAS SEEM PERFECT TO ME IN METER, SYLLABLES AND ACCENTS. STANZA #2: I have lost all my might (try: I've lost all of my might) For there are no more aides I can no longer fight STANZA #3: Finally face my plight (try: And now I face my plight) This evil that prevades (try: Of evil that prevades... the meter isn't off, but i think this helps it flow better with the line before) Pernicious comes the night Thanks for sharing your wonderful villanelle. Let me know if this makes sense to you, k?  dp |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
I agree with Doreen on her suggestions....I was truly pleased to see what became of your quatrain...nicely done |
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Starith Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 176Leesburg, FL USA |
I'm gald you all (so far) liked what this became...I do appreciate your suggestions...I'm kind of waiting on the all knowing Nan to grace me with her presence and give her opinion on the matter...I want her to see it this way first...I will probably take Doreen's suggestions after Nan has posted. OK Nan...I await your thoughts patiently! Star ------------------ We are only truly apperciated after we are no more! |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
I can't add any suggestions here, that haven't already been said. Will say that I like this much though! Well done! |
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Starith Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 176Leesburg, FL USA |
OK I have waited for Nan long enough. I will take my peers' advice and make some changes. Thanks for the help guys! Satiate thank you...I'm glad you enjoyed it...I don't write dark poems like this...so I'm pleased that this one came out this well, maybe I should pursue this side of my creativeness a little more. I would like to see what those of the darker side of Passions has to say. Michael, Dream, I'm talking to you guys...I would really enjoy seeing what you think about this. Please? Star ------------------ We are only truly apperciated after we are no more! [This message has been edited by Starith (edited 10-09-1999).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
....(catching my breath)...phew - I made it!!! I'm here - I'm here!! Don't ya just hate it when your employers think you should show up at work sometimes??? Anyway - I certainly found time to read your poem - I just hadn't had the time to thoroughly dissect it in my mind so that I could comment appropriately. It does flow well within your theme, and your iambic trimeter is now intact (with Doreen's suggestion)... You've followed the format properly, and all in all, succeeded nicely... Nice job... |
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Starith Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 176Leesburg, FL USA |
Thank you Nan...that is truly high praise coming from you. I am glad this worked out as well as it did...and to think I was scared to try this...LOL. Well I guess I've learned my lesson. Oh and by the way...when is the next session? I'm gonna be brave and sign up for it too...this was actually kind of fun! Star ------------------ We are only truly apperciated after we are no more! |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Agreed, well done Starith. I think you shold at least consider traveling down the dazrk path for a step or two. It would be interesting to see where it led! |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Wow Starith, You indeed have excceded my expectations here. Although your quatrain was fine in form, I personally questioned how much depth your poem would carry in six syllables lines...I'm long winded you know. You maintained the theme and indeed, more than added depth to the initial quatrain. Bravo. You did wonderful here. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. |
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Starith Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 176Leesburg, FL USA |
Thank you Christopher. I am trying my hand in darkness...we shall see where it leads. My horizons are definetely expanding since I found the forums. Michael: I was expecting something similar to the responce Christopher gave, but I was astounded to read something of such high praise from someone of you talent. This day has indeed gone well for me! I am now patting myself on the back with both hands. As for only using six syllables, as I'm sure you can see, I can say alot in a very short syllable count! Especially to those who know how to read between the lines. I do thank you for your opinion on this piece. As I've stated before...I will be looking into my darker side to see what it has to share. Thank you all for your helpful suggestions and your praise. Star ------------------ We are only truly apperciated after we are no more! |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Starith, I would like to extend an invitation to come visit us in the Dark forum. Poetry such as this is always appreciated there and would recieve a warm welcome. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. |
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