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When I think of the time (Second, more serious, attempt)
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When I think of the time (Second, more serious, attempt) |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
When I think of the time I still had my Mom I see lots of memories dear I see us laughing in the street feel the love and care we all need When I think of the time I still had my Dad I recall him behind the stove Brewing one of his recipes his special ingredient was love When I think of the time I spent with my Sis We always had the greatest fun and in silence we shared our cries when her first born, a girl, had died When I think of the time I found my true love a bright smile still lightens my face ‘Though you died in an accident your love’s with me this very day When I think of the time my children were born I feel a perfect peace inside A girl, a boy, gifts from above never could wish anything more When I think of the times now all in the past All the laughter and love I knew Despite the sorrow and the tears I feel truly happy and blessed When I think of the times that are still to come I truly hope I’ll always see all the precious things life beholds while the rest of my life unfolds |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Munda, I find free verse as difficult to critique as it is to write - because there really are no rules. I truly enjoyed this poem - perhaps that's the most important element here. You have a wonderful "personal" format, a hint of rhyming, but no discernible pattern. This is obviously a very special theme for you - I like it... Maybe our non-rhyming experts can add more?  |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Oh dear Munda .. this poem contains BOTH of the ingredients that make it very difficult (nay impossible) for me to critique objectively. One is the fact that its free verse which I can't write so can really presume to critique even if i knew how to, and the other (more important) is that it is an intensely personal and moving poem ... above all I think its wonderful that you seem to have overcome all the difficulties and still consider yourself blessed ..  Philip |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
LOL Nan, I had to force myself NOT to rhyme ! I am awaiting our "non-rhyming" experts. They probably tear it apart as a free verse. You may have noticed it's too structured for free verse. LOL Hmmm, I guess I will have to try again and again, if needed, until I get the hang of it ! Philip, thank you for reading, liking and being so kind (to this probably not free verse) and just for the record...I truly am blessed. I have two wonderful children, enough money to eat and pay the bills, live in a country where I can speak my mind, I am part of this wonderful family .....need I go on ?  But thank you anyway Philip It's very much appreciated. |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
I think this was a wonderful poem about some heartfelt memories, but to be totally honest (this is class LOL) it was too structured for my tastes in Free verse..... I am not sure how to explain the "Flow" that has to happen with FV, but there's a rhythm and flow that must happen in order for the FV thing to happen. If it becomes too structured it loses that FV quality. Am I clear? Or messing with yer head? I am no pro, but FV is all I do, I really suck at rhyming LOL, so if I can be of any assistance let me know ~X~ "Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?!" ~Groucho Marx |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Munda...you did well on this attempt at free verse. It's hard to not rhyme or use that rhythm that sometimes we so want to. Anxious to see more of this style from you. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Munda: I have to agree with the above on how difficult something like this is to critique. Suffice it to say that this was very touching to me. Thanks for sharing this. Jim |
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Corazon Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 1209 |
munda, this makes me smile, not only is it beautiful, it does remind me of my efforts to go structured, it is a great idea, but yes will agree with the above, that the structure detracts from an actual free verse flow...but then again....lol...who is to say, there are no rules, and this is from the heart...and I like it |
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