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Balladeer
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0 posted 2010-06-17 09:18 PM


Let's go for the ABC ABC rhyme scheme, shall we?

Stanzas will consist of lines 1 and 3 written in iambic heptameter and lines 2 and 4 in iambic pentameter. The internal rhymes of lines 1 and 3 will rhyme, as will the ending rhymes of lines 1 and 3 and 2 and 4.  Easy as ABC, no?  

To gaze out on the ocean in the early morning light
Before the sun has fully reached it's peak
And marvel at the motion at the sea gulls in their flight
Can make the knees of anyone go weak.

© Copyright 2010 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved
Amaryllis
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Mi now
1 posted 2010-06-17 09:46 PM


Er..  don`t make it so easy on us,  Mr. Balladeer..    heh!
.
Really, I am fascinated.. I wrote it down on my handy dandy notebook  (I still have to work in graphite for the rough stuff).. and will be trying my hand at this one!  =)
.
Does this form have a name?
Thanks~Amaryllis

Balladeer
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2 posted 2010-06-17 09:56 PM


I think it's name is George. Anxious to see what you can do!
Amaryllis
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3 posted 2010-06-18 12:03 PM


By George, I think I`ve got it! (maybe)...
.
.
Dawn will shoulder under last night`s sable confrontations,
before I tilt the hemlock to my lips,
saturate this wonder with her bone-pale affirmations,
so manifest the sibyl in my hips.
.
eh? eh?  
~Amaryllis

Balladeer
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4 posted 2010-06-18 08:26 AM


Clever! You followed the instructions to the letter. You'll explain the meaning of the poem to your ever-inquisitive  teacher, yes?

A stanza is good but a poem consisting of multiple stanza telling a story, all in the same style, gets a special grade from teach.

Dr. Moose will be along to demonstrate, I have little doubt

Dr.Moose1
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5 posted 2010-06-18 08:42 AM


Lol, now what would possibly make you think that?
Doc

Amaryllis
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6 posted 2010-06-18 11:17 AM


Agh I dislike explaining my poems! But that means I`ve made it too abstract.. =P
.
Morning is coming. It will shine a killing light on the love affair. So make it `real`.. one more time.
.
And for some reason it was more difficult than I`d expected.. so I left it as one puny stanza.. that still (I hoped) says a lot.  :P  lol
.
Well, Mr. Moose? You have the floor!   Looking forward to yours!  =)
Best~Amaryllis

Balladeer
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7 posted 2010-06-18 12:55 PM


Don't worry, Amaryllis. I found Mary Had a Little Lamb too abstract! I'm just a meat and potatoes kinda guy.

That WOULD be a nice exercise sometimes, though, to take a poem like that, post it, and have people explain  what they think it's about. Hmm...may have to try that sometime...

Amaryllis
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8 posted 2010-06-18 01:15 PM


Ha! Kind of like a poetic Rorscharch, eh? That would be fun!  
.
Really, I`m of two minds about that, though.. (abstract or `hard-to-get` poetry).. while I realize it`s all subjective, I do like a poem that makes me think.. usually I find that if I don`t get it straight off, then with a little study & re-reading I will come to an `aha!` moment.  That`s not to say I don`t enjoy a straightforward read.. I adore all styles of poetry.  My own writing is usually too transparent, imo! Yet if a poem was so opaque that an entire thread of readers wouldn`t get it, or would all arrive at different conclusions, then (to me) the poem has failed on some level. I`m not saying it wouldn`t be fun for an exercise!     I`m speaking of poetry written that the author would want to try & publish.. ah I don`t know! I`m just yakkin.. sorry to almost highjack your workshop thread here!  =P    Carry on...  
Best~A

Alison
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9 posted 2010-06-20 03:11 AM


The smoke cloaks the midnight sun and makes it a molten red
To float among a mist of pearl-gray clouds
Cavorting flames twist and run as smoke columns drift ahead
And clothe submissive trees in ashy shrouds

-

Alison

Alison
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10 posted 2010-06-20 03:49 AM


Another shot at it and I am off to bed -

-

I sit in trepidation and write poems in the dark
Deleting them before the dawn breaks night
There is no inspiration for words now have lost their spark
I keep my poems in files out of sight

-

Alison


[This message has been edited by Alison (06-20-2010 11:35 AM).]

Balladeer
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11 posted 2010-06-20 03:11 PM


Whew! For a minute you had me worried, Alison. I had thought you lost your iambic during your hookey playing..

The (SMOKE CLOAKS) the MIDnight SUN and MAKES ( it a) MOLten RED
To float among a mist of pearl-gray clouds
CaVORting (FLAMES TWIST) and RUN as (SMOKE  COL)umns DRIFT aHEAD
And clothe submissive trees in ashy shrouds


In the second, though, I see I was wrong, You still have it...perfect.

Alison
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12 posted 2010-06-20 06:32 PM


I fought the first one.  It's hard to try to write poetry with structure again - my confidence is still hit pretty hard.

But, the second one, just came in moments.  So - maybe I need to just relax, huh?

I'll redo the first in a bit.

Thank you, 'deer.



A

Alison
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13 posted 2010-06-20 07:57 PM


Rewrite:

The smoke is painting the sun bloody crimson shades of red
Then tones it down with hues of pearl-gray clouds
Incomplete art now undone filling solstice hearts with dread
Defeated, we embrace our ashy shrouds

-

Alison

Balladeer
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14 posted 2010-06-20 08:30 PM


Not yes, my husky lady. The 2nd and 4th lines are good but you will see the errors in parenthesis in the other two.In the first you have two unaccented syllables together, followed by two accented ones. In the second, you begin trochaic instead of iambic and then have two accented ones together in the middle.

You'll get it. For a while you had iambic flowing out of your fingers like honey. The you got haiku hijacked and lost your way. Welcome back!

-the SMOKE is PAINT(-ing the) (SUN BLOOD)-y CRIM-son SHADES of RED

(IN)-com-PLETE art NOW un-(DONE FILL)-ing SOL-stice HEARTS with DREAD

Alison
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15 posted 2010-06-20 10:04 PM


Ack!  I knew I should have kicked the first one to the can last night before you read it.  Sometimes I struggle to rewrite thoughts that don't fit the poetic structure - round hole/square peg.  However, I can't quit on this one now - so I'll be back.  



A

Alison
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16 posted 2010-06-20 11:05 PM


It's all just smoke and mirrors as if thunder claps a song
The threatened day will battle with fierce clouds
While bolts of light cause furor when they fracture in the ground
The mourners hide behind their solstice shrouds

-

A

PS - Thank you for having me back - that rock I crawled under was pretty heavy to push off my shoulders.  I am back.

Balladeer
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17 posted 2010-06-20 11:28 PM


AHA! I KNEW you could do it!

Nicely done, miss. Welcome back

Alison
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18 posted 2010-06-21 12:25 PM


Thank you for keepin' the faith.



A

Alison
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19 posted 2010-06-21 01:14 AM


The rhyme was off -

--

It's all just smoke and mirrors as if thunder claps a song
The threatened day will battle with fierce clouds
While bolts of light cause furor as they dance with talon prongs
And mourners hide behind their solstice shrouds

-

A

Sorry to keep working on this one - but I wanted to make it right.  Hope I didn't throw it off again.  


[This message has been edited by Alison (06-21-2010 02:50 AM).]

Dr.Moose1
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20 posted 2010-06-21 07:32 AM


To write a poem about a form called "George" will be your task,
or will be if you should choose to accept
It's not so far outside the norm, but who is "Norm" you ask,
and at such complex things was he adept?

Both questions much deserving of of an answer so let's see
if I can yet pull one from this old hat
and still keep on preserving rhyme and all those A, B, C's
may prove not such an easy task at that.

Enough of this quit beating 'round the bush,
get back to "Norm"
and while you're at it give our best to "George"
We do not like the way this sounds so take this silly form
and then proceed to go jump in a gorge!


So sayeth all the Pipsters to Doc Moose
who tried to put his humor to good use.

Balladeer
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21 posted 2010-06-21 07:34 AM


That's why you're special, Alison. I had given you the near rhyme because you had worked so hard on it but you revised it yourself and weren't satisfied until you got it right,

You're a poet's poet. Write on!

Alison
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22 posted 2010-06-21 10:37 AM


Love it, Moose.
  And thank you, Balladeer.
    And I really liked yours too, Amarylis!


Balladeer
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23 posted 2010-06-21 11:27 AM


Boy, it's easy to tell who's been absent from class for a while. What happened to my heros, my superstars???

Cleverly written, Moose, as all your works are....very entertaining. Pentameter is five feet, 10 syllables per line. You went with eight. 14 and 10 is a good combination that works, 14 and 8, not so much. Maybe that's why you don't like the way it sounds?

Other than that, it's great. Your internal rhymes are good and perfectly placed, and your wit shines as bright as always. Great to have you back, good sir.

Dr.Moose1
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24 posted 2010-06-21 02:10 PM


Lol @ myself for completely flubbing that part, my only excuse is that once I started I never referred back to the instructions, thus no "pentameter". Rewrite in the works.
Doc

Thank you Alison, but as you can see it ain't over yet, lol.
Doc

Edited version above, thanks much.
Doc

Balladeer
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25 posted 2010-06-24 08:01 AM


Perfect edit...which is no surprise
Alison
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26 posted 2010-06-24 11:25 AM


You just have to move us along with a cattle prod now and then.  I am working on one song parody and humming another - makes me feel a bit schizophrenic.



A

Titia Geertman
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27 posted 2010-07-10 09:49 PM


I wonder, did I mention that I've written rhyme before?
Iambic is my favorite you see.
It's giving me some tension, but I simply just adore,
when rhyming words of mine go flying free.

You want a second stanza and I'll try to do it well,
but sometimes there is chaos in my head.
Just watched an old Bonanza, which is fun, that I can tell.
I know, I should have written rhyme in stead.

I hope you will forgive me, but my poem won't be that long,
I need to go to bed, it's past my time.
It's almost 4.00 am see and the birds will start their song.
By George, you'll read the last line of my rhyme.

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

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