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one of my fav poems that i wrote...feeedback please
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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one of my fav poems that i wrote...feeedback please |
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The Mike Sacks Member
since 1999-08-29
Posts 129brooklyn ny 
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You left me before, I had a chance to say goodbye That car took your life and left me here to cry I felt a pain in my stomach bout 30 seconds before i got the call little did i know i was about to lose it all Daddy said he needed to talk Grandpa said to take a seat there were tears in there eyes as they said "its ok to weep" "shes gone"they told me "and theres nothin we can do" "We lost what we had tonight, now all thats left is you". "she was riding across the parkway, pedeling on her bike, we dont know much more, but her last words were::"say i love you mike". Mike Sacks.10/23/99 ------------------ I wish i were a poet |
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| © Copyright 1999 The Mike Sacks - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Maitay Member
since 1999-07-16
Posts 158Sisters,OR,USA |
THat has to be one of the most touching poems that I have ever read. I'm sorry about your loss, but that was an awesome way to express your feelings.I cant say that I know exactly how that feels, but in a way I do. Great job on a wonderful poem. maitay mirabel litton ------------------ ~The price of finding love is to eventually lose it. When I wish on a falling star, I wish not for material goods but to show kindness to others and be content with what the world may offer me~ ~Maitay Mirabel Litton~ |
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The Mike Sacks Member
since 1999-08-29
Posts 129brooklyn ny |
Thanx im a 15 year old male form ny....And im gettting a book of poems publsihd soon |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Sorry to hear about your loss.... ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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The Mike Sacks Member
since 1999-08-29
Posts 129brooklyn ny |
i didnt lose nething....im a write...u can give me a story and i can wirte bout it,...my fironeds gave that to me...and i wrote it ------------------ I wish i were a poet |
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STACY Junior Member
since 1999-11-12
Posts 10veiNNie,ny |
i think that this was a touching poem. i feal so bad for you. but you sound like a sweet guy and i want you t know that i would love you if i knew you. |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
"I would love you if I knew you....." STACY, please explain this comment, how can you say you would love someone if you knew them? It's like me saying "I've never tried spinach, but I would love it if I tried it." Contradictory, and nonsenseical. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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chollagrl4 Member
since 1999-08-10
Posts 65brick |
wow that was a really great poem i got chills reading it. |
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The Mike Sacks Member
since 1999-08-29
Posts 129brooklyn ny |
Im responding in a really good mood b/c i just came hom like 10 min ago from a concert <blink182,silverchair & fenix*Tx> and i descovered te best band <FENIX TX> I must tell u all to go out there and buy it definatly....<they are an amazing punk band> and i chilled with them they are so cool and downto earht...and are also amazing writers... THANX if ne 1 wants my pics tell me |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Mike, Although I think you have the capabilities to be an very good poet, as a published poet myself, I rather doubt that any publisher will accept these works with the abbreviations, spelling and gramatical errors as they are now. Perhaps you should pay attention to small errors like that and accept some of the feedback offered by people who are trying to help you. If you are indeed being published, I'd be curious to know by which publisher? ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 11-15-1999).] |
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The Mike Sacks Member
since 1999-08-29
Posts 129brooklyn ny |
sorry,but they all ready did exept it...i and 4 other teenage poets are gettign out poems published by kensington books... |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Hmmm....sorry, have never heard of them |
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Wet Member
since 1999-07-25
Posts 60Brentwood, Tn |
Very good poem. But in reply to sytematic decays' reply to stacy, i feel you have no idea what you are talking about. And stacy, thank you. |
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SweetStuff27 Junior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 10LA, California, USA |
This is such a good poem, I almost started crying. If this is a true story, I am really sorry. |
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The Mike Sacks Member
since 1999-08-29
Posts 129brooklyn ny |
im sorry and happy to say its not a true stroy,i jus felt i wanted ot make ppl feel wat they can lose if they stay start using drugs as i did and slowly fade away form frineds and family |
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x96kxrkgrl Junior Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 11Marion, Ohio, US |
Hey Mike! That poem was great! It brought tears to my eyes when I read it! ------------------ ~Melissa~ |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Wet, please explain why you think I have no idea what I am talking about? I do despise it when a person makes a statement about somehting I write without providing any reason. Mike, I must agree with Hoot......I can't understand why and respecatble publisher would publish poems with abbreviations and misspellings.... Mike, please take this as a criticism of your work, and a suggestion, and think before you reply. I think you take much too much pride in your work. You are by no means a great poet. I am not a great poet. There are great poets on this site, and your poetry does not, in content or form, even come near to being great. The misspellings and abbreviations only detract from your work more. If you would like, I could send you a site which has poetry pointers where you could greatly improve your work. I am sorry if I have offended you or anyone else. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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STACY Junior Member
since 1999-11-12
Posts 10veiNNie,ny |
THANK YOU WET! cause she has no right to say anything cause she isnt a teacher. people have opions and there are alowed to exsprece them so stop trying to tell everyone they are wrong systematic decay. are you an exspert on the subject what are you 15,16 because they way you are acting it doesnt seem like you could be any older |
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Bright Melody Junior Member
since 1999-11-06
Posts 37O'Fallon Illinois |
I agree also with Systematic Decay and hoot owl. You're work is descent but I find it difficult to read with the gramatical and spelling errors. ------------------ Never frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I am going to step in here and ask that this little disagreement between Stacy and Systematic Decay stop right here. I would appreciate it if both parties step back and let this be. We are all here to read and hopefully learn how to become better poets. I think we can all be objective here. I hate to read poetry that I feel I HAVE to say...great job...super work...when I see mistakes and way that can improve on an already good piece of poetry. If this is what the writers here want then they will not be getting as many replies. If we can not be honest with our appraisals of others work, why respond? |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
I'll have to step in here and say I agree totally with Marilyn. We are all here to share and learn, not worry about personal responses. That's not what it's about. I may be a moderator but I will always gratefully listen to any comments made and if I can learn from them or better myelf all the better!! ------------------ Through poetry my heart and soul truly sing... ~Isis~ (Daughter of Mystery) |
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Erynn Griffin Junior Member
since 1999-11-20
Posts 27San Angelo, TX United States |
OK everbody I think it was a great poem and I am not a great poet either but I do know that you could go somewhere with your poems if you took your criticism as help and a show of love for your art to make it better |
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Night New Member
since 1999-11-21
Posts 4New Jersey |
I liked the poem. And i have to agree with Erynn Griffin, criticism may hurt, but it can help you become a better writer. Systematic Decay- mind sending me the link to the poetry pointers? |
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Laura Mitchell Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 76Cincinnati OH,45238 |
I am published poet through Iliad Press. I agree with S.D, and some of the others. The abbrieviations do make your poem a bit hard to read, but everybody has different writing styles. It's okay to be different. Does anybody realize how boring it would be to read poetry if it all sounded the same? If you ask me, extremely boring. I'm glad Mike brought his sense of style in writing out. If you read "To Kill a Mockingbird", you will see many abbreviations. It reflects how the writer talks. I find it unique and very clever. Congratulations on getting your poetry published! That's excellent!!! |
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Giggles Junior Member
since 1999-11-21
Posts 15 |
I thought your poem was wonderful, no matter what anyone else says about the misspellings and abbreviations. You concentrated on the important things, your feelings. Thank you very much for sharing. What matters is that you like your poem, which I'm sure you do. It brought tears to my eyes and made me think. Thanks again!  |
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The Mike Sacks Member
since 1999-08-29
Posts 129brooklyn ny |
thanx...i ahve to say that i really dont care wat my gramaticl errors are...i dont care |
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Laura Mitchell Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 76Cincinnati OH,45238 |
You're absolutely right Giggles. I was trying to say that, but couldn't find the right way. |
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Natalie Guerrero New Member
since 1999-11-22
Posts 9 |
That was one of the best poems i have ever read! I really really liked it. You are a very good writer. Hope to read more of your work soon.! ~Natalie~ |
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Krut Junior Member
since 1999-11-26
Posts 27Adams, Wi U.S.A |
mike...dont worry about what those other people say...its ure poetry....if thats what u want it to say then thats what it should say....its ure self expression...and i dont think...grammatical errors change the meaning of the poem.. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Ok...I need to say something else here. I agree that every poet is allow poetic licence. They may word a poem as they see fit. We were just trying to help Mike become a better writer. Writing from the heart is a very important thing and if your work is just for yourself then it is the most important thing. Once you begin to look to publish your work you have to look at your writing from a different stand point. What will attract and keep a readers attention? What will attract and keep a publisher/editors attention. A general rule is proper spelling and grammer. Most publishers will glance over a piece of work and throw it away without reading through it if it is grammatically incorrect. What you have poured from your heart isn't taken seriously when not polished properly. We just want to give you a head start. Learn how to polish now while you are young. OK? Am I clear now? |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
I must say I agree 100% with Marilyn. I do believe she is clear on the subject. Great meat to this poem, but just making it more user friendly could improve it a lot. It is your own work, and you my do what you wish, though. Just a suggestion. ------------------ *Krista Knutson* "If my heart had wings, I would fly to you and lie beside you as you dream....." ~Faith Hill: If My Heart Had Wings~ [This message has been edited by Alwye (edited 11-27-1999).] [This message has been edited by Alwye (edited 11-27-1999).] |
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Shorty Du Opp Junior Member
since 1999-11-27
Posts 11West Allis, WI, USA |
Mike: I know what you are going throught. My friend Josh killed himself one week after my birthday. That will be one year ago, two months from today. It really sucks doesn't it. The part I hate the most is that I will never hear him say I love you again. But, as long as you hold them in your heart then they can never truely be gone. I wish you luck. |
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The Mike Sacks Member
since 1999-08-29
Posts 129brooklyn ny |
hey |
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Beri Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 149 |
I have just a few things to say, first of all, i loved this poem, it was great. But when everyone posts replies, do you guys just not even glance over other peoples replies at all? Because I know Mike keeps saying that this isn't true and it didn't happen to him, but everyone keeps repsonding as though it did. Mike, you did put an amazing amount of knowledge into this though for someone who did not experience it. Great job on that! |
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The Mike Sacks Member
since 1999-08-29
Posts 129brooklyn ny |
Thanx alot...u really jus made my day..kim bout to post a poem i wrote less then 100seconds ago..please read its entitled "to truthfull" |
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The Mike Sacks Member
since 1999-08-29
Posts 129brooklyn ny |
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