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| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Untitled |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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I knew we'd be together, untill the end of time. I knew I couldn't live, without you being mine. I knew you'd never, love me the same. So now I know why, I'm loving in vain. You've gone faraway. You're no ones now. Tell me how I could get you back, somehow. If I would have been there, to tell you no. If i would have been there, no emotions I would show. If I would have seen you, laying on the ground. I would never, have been around. It would have been to much, It would have been to hard. I didn't do anything. so it's my fault. Just please come back to me, for one last kiss. ******************************************* ??????????????????????????????????????????? |
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| © Copyright 1999 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
the beginning of this poem is great. as for the rest of it, it doesn't continue to explain what the poem is about. i always try to think of the typical high school essay when writing: one- the beginning introduces the topic. two- the middle explains it. three- the end concludes it. of course there are variations on this, but the idea should always be introduced, explained, and concluded. this poem is introduced, and somewhat concluded, but never explained. if you are looking to revise it, i suggest working with the thoughts and the emotions in the first stanza, as that one is the best. |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
roxanne- thanks for the advice. I sometimes go a little crazy and get worked up about things. I don't even try to write poetry,it just forms in my head. |
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