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chollagrl4
Member

since 1999-08-10

Posts 65
brick

0 posted 1999-11-04 04:46 PM

It seems like its up to you,
when u show your love so true.
I wish that it was up to me,
but I can not make you see.
Sometimes when u are next to me,
you feel so far away.
I only hope you'll love me,
truly love me one day.
Our hearts parted,
and went separate ways,
and now we are together again,
I hope this love stays.
Dont treat me like any other,
I am yours,
I will always be,
we're together again,
eternally

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

1 posted 1999-11-04 07:52 PM

Hmmmm, there is one line that I don't think fits:

Dont treat me like any other

It is too demanding for the poem...the poem itself seems wistful, then turns hopeful; to throw that in there messes up the balance, in my eyes.

------------------
Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices.

kari
Member

since 1999-10-03

Posts 104
Hyde Park, Ut, USA

2 posted 1999-11-04 08:37 PM

I agree with S.D. Maybe if you said, "Please, don't treat me like any other" Just an idea. Overall I like it a lot.

JEBE
Junior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 32
WILMINGTON, NC, USA

3 posted 1999-11-04 09:45 PM

I THIRD THAT OPINION....I LIKE THE BEGGINING...BUT AFTER '" I ONLY HOPE YOU'LL LOVE ME" THE POEM STARTS TO LOSE ITS UMMPPHH....IN MY OPINION...IF THIS POEM IS BASED ON THE TRUTH THEN DON'T SETTLE FOR THINKING HE LOVES YOU LIFES TO SHORT FOR BROKEN HEARTS...BUT IF HE DOES ALL THE LUCK I THE WORLD...

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

4 posted 1999-11-04 10:26 PM

I agree with jebe. If his love was really true, he wouldn't treat you the way it feels he is. There would be no doubt in your mind that he was forever yours.

chollagrl4
Member

since 1999-08-10

Posts 65
brick

5 posted 1999-11-05 12:20 PM

damm i wasnt writing this poem to please anybody.

luv2luvu
New Member

since 1999-11-07

Posts 7
wayne, mi, usa

6 posted 1999-11-08 04:59 PM

chollagrl4>>i think u have an attitude over nothing serious. u posted your poem knowing you were going to get our replies. if you did not want to tell you how we felt about it, then maybe you should not have posted it. but by the way, i do like it, to some extent. keep writing!

chollagrl4
Member

since 1999-08-10

Posts 65
brick

7 posted 1999-11-08 05:21 PM

i dont have an attitude about anything and frankly i dont care if u like it or not

Laura Mitchell
Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 76
Cincinnati OH,45238

8 posted 1999-11-08 07:03 PM

It's a nice poem, but you posted your poem asking for remarks. I believe every negative remark should be backed up like a positive. I think you should learn to write out the word you. It won't kill you, but besides that and what everyone else stated. You did a great job. Don't let my remarks get to you. They're only comments, and you don't have to follow them.

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