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Teen Poetry #2
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One night stand
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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One night stand |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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The night walked straight into my house Took off her skin under the light Upon the chair, she placed her blouse Jumped into bed, right by my side And there in silence, sparks ignited We burned in passion’s warm embrace And in our bodies, cells collided And in our minds, thoughts were laced So sudden, almost on a whim We fell in love, so wild, peeling Fulfilled with pleasure to the brim We lied in bed, eyes on the ceiling And on the desk, the candle flickered In a seductive, tempting breeze It slowly melted and disfigured Upon the plate, its wax would freeze Its shadows danced, but light was fading Outside, through creaking of the frost I barely heard the winds debating I closed my eyes and all was lost Woke up alone, half in dismay I found a note, which read in grieving “I’m sorry Love, I couldn’t stay I’ll make it up to you this evening” |
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| © Copyright 1999 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Some of this confused me. What do you mean by... Took off her skin under the light. When "Upon the chair she placed her blouse" follows that line I am taken back a few steps from where you had brought me. lied in bed....now lay would have been a better choice of words unless you are implying untruths being told. If you are it doesn't really work with the theme here. If you were both speaking untruths then the end wouldn't be the shock (or half shock) I think intended in this piece. |
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Tina TT Junior Member
since 1999-11-01
Posts 45Victoria, Australia |
oooh sex-ay! LOL Like the little surprise at the end  |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thanks Marilyn for your critique. I really do appreciatte it. "Took off her skin under the light..." I agree that this line should not be followed by "Upon the chair she placed her blouse" But I love that line and I would definitly like to keep it in the poem. As for lied-- it should be "lay" I made a mistake there. Thank you Tina! |
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mamacass New Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 1port edwards wi usa |
hey...i wish i could say what i want to in a really insightful way..i like this cuz it's kinda a familiar thing to me...i like the way you put it, the whole thing has a really honest ring to it. thats it. |
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