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So this is love (replies please)
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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So this is love (replies please) |
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ILoveSrfrs Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 69California |
This was an assignment for my lit. class. I had to use my vocabulary words in a poem. I just wrote it so it's still raw and needs constructive critiscm. Any feedback is welcome, thanks! Why is it so hard to procure your heart? You eyes look right past me No matter how lamentable my yells can get Or how pernicious my thoughts become The transgression into your heart is hopeless I couldn’t break the lock of your unwieldy soul How can you act so cunning? And hie when I come close? Your eyes augmenting as I try to tell you What you never needed to hear It would never be anon The day I told you of my sallow-colored heart Sickly and empty And the troublesome way it used to importune And beat loud enough for the whole world to hear Except I would never let you hear it, until now Measuring the variables of each other’s hearts in my mind As you look at me with portentous and sympathetic eyes But your concern only makes me feel more vile and repulsive than I did before Inside, my heart was crying because I spent such a long time wanting you And all I really needed was for you to want me back |
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Danny Holloway Member Elite
since 2000-01-15
Posts 2034Tulsa, OK |
I find difficulty in seeing the title in the piece you have written. There is no indication that a loving relationship existed, only an infatuation for someone, who did not seem willing to participate, as indicated by your last line. Your writing is good, with phrasing that shows good style. Good luck with the class. |
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ILoveSrfrs Member
since 1999-11-14
Posts 69California |
I thought "so this is love" was an appropriate title, because after the narrator told him of her feelings, he didn't feel the same way, and she felt even worse than she did before...After trying to find love for so long, she realizes how bad it feels to be rejected. She had dreams of what love would have been like, but they would never come true now. Hence, "So this is love" What do you think would work as a better title? Any suggestions are welcome, thanks! |
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