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Teen Poetry #2
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Junior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 25
illinois, usa

0 posted 2000-02-14 11:37 PM

hello, everyone. my name is bobbie, also known as poetic_butterfly, and i've just registered. please let me know what you think of my poetry. this is called "sin"


he knows, she knows
the sin is alive and well
its face twisted and mocking
eye-sockets sunken
skin dripping, mouth oozing
bones rotting
and they'll stand, vehemently
lash silently
while words slash throats
and knives drive into hearts
as they close in on the attack
embody the jealousy
they both know
the rawness of the flesh
sensitively unabiding
and never significant
are the internal wounds
both suffer
the bleeding hearts,
the sobbing dreams
shuddering souls
all they realize and
revel in are the
vicious words that
slash throats
and the fact that
sin has reared its ugly head.....

© Copyright 2000 poetic_butterfly - All Rights Reserved
Senior Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 528
North Carolina
1 posted 2000-02-14 11:51 PM

Hi Bobbie, and welcome to the fam!   I think your poem is really good, the way you keep putting words in that reiterate anger, jealousy, hate, etc. They make your ideas hit home. Keep up the good work and I'll look for more from you.


since 2000-01-27
Posts 271

2 posted 2000-02-14 11:58 PM

I really like this poem.  It gives the low down vivid imagery of what sin is.  Takes away the sugar coating that makes people wanna eat it.  me likes, i give it a big toe and 2 thumbs up

 "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."

Don't look... you might see.
Don't listen... you might hear.
Don't think... you might learn.
Don't walk... you might stumble.
Don't run... you might fall.
Don't make a decision... you might be wrong.
Don't might die.

since 1999-11-23
Posts 120
3 posted 2000-02-15 12:25 PM

Tight poem girl!! I love it!! So much Imagery! Anyways just a little thought for you if you want feedback on your poems all you have to do is give other peoples poems feedback!! Aight!! Peace!! Out!

 "Live to love or why live at all"
Deano :)

Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
4 posted 2000-02-15 10:34 PM

Welcome to Passions. I really enjoyed reading this piece. It is an excellent free verse poem. The only suggestion I have is Capitalization and some punctuation. It just gives the reader places to break up the thoughts other then the end of the verse.

I have a couple of little hints for you. First, don't ask for replies in your subject box. Generally people ignore pleas for replies. The best way to get replies is to reply to others work. When they see your handle and get to know you a little they will reply to your work.

Again Welcome to the Passions family.  

Star Fairy 2
since 1999-09-06
Posts 260
cerritos, california, usa
5 posted 2000-02-15 10:41 PM

this was beautifully written... you described the subject very well... great job...

 Regret for things you did maybe tempered by time, regret for things you Didn't do, however, is inconsolable...

Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
6 posted 2000-02-16 01:02 AM

dean: is bobbie a girl? i would have supposed otherwise... but i suppose it could be so..

poetic butterfly: i think this is a very well-written and well-thought-out poem, but it does seem rather vague as to what sin it is referencing... my mind tends to wander towards sexual sin, but the wording of the poem still leaves doubt... perhaps it is not even any one specific sin, but rather the personification of sin that you supply in the poem... hmm... i'll have to think about this one... let me know what you meant by it...

jerome the melancholy priest

 Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
--[billy corgan]--

since 2000-01-31
Posts 89

7 posted 2000-02-16 02:57 AM

Hey...Hi welcome to passions! Considering the fact that your r new ..u r good .. Keepp it upp ! faith
Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872
just about where I want to be
8 posted 2000-02-16 09:32 AM

Bobbie: I echo Faith's ARE good! Keep it up, and you'll get even better like i did   (not that I'm bragging... )Anyway, welcome to the family, and good luck with your poetry!  

stay cool


 "For every beauty, there is an eye somewhere to see it.
For every truth, there is an ear somewhere to hear it
For every love, there is a heart somewhere to receive it".--Ivan Panin

Junior Member
since 2000-02-16
Posts 23
Peoria, Arizona, United States
9 posted 2000-02-16 12:45 PM

I am new as well but I would just like to say you are an awsome poet.  You put so much meaning and emotion in it I really liked it.


since 2000-02-07
Posts 317
New Orleans, Louisiana
10 posted 2000-02-16 02:34 PM

i'm gonna have to go with jerome as to the clarity of the sin, lots of the wording was bit ambiguos, it hinted at sexual but you never knew for sure, maybe i'll get it in a few more readings.  overall though i'll have to sya that ilike dthe poem and welcome, i hope tyo read more of your work


Junior Member
since 2000-02-14
Posts 25
illinois, usa
11 posted 2000-02-16 04:12 PM

poetry_kills: yes, i am female. odd name, i know, but i was born on my father's birthday and his name is Bob, so it was fitting. i tend to be rather....hmm...symbolic in writing, and yes, the personification of sin is more or less what i was aiming at portraying.

to the rest of you: (sorry i haven't named specific names, but it's a little difficult to remember them all, seeing as i'm new)  
thank you so much for the responses and the comments. i'll post something new very soon.

Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781

12 posted 2000-02-16 04:41 PM

Wow....this was really good.....the descriptions and details leave you in awe. Well for me at least. Great job. Welcome to passions and keep writing and we'll keep reading!


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navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #2 » i'm new here, but please give me some feedback

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