Untitled (if anyone feels so inspired, i would like some help on this one)REWRITTEN

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hoppy
Member

since 2000-01-27

Posts 271

0 posted 2000-02-09 11:22 PM

I've rewritten this song using punctuation, i usually don't use it but i figured what the heck, it might sound better if the reader knew when to stop and start.  See what ya think and tell me if it's workable or not.

Darkened night I came cryin',
wanting you to save me.
i found you were lyin',
you can't save me.
Life in your hands
what shall it be,
shall i bow my head
and lose my humanity.

forked tounge of pride
pokes out their eyes,
blind leading the blind
It's you I despise!
for the world that
wouldn't let me be,
it stole my life-
and now my life

Life in your hands
what shall it be
shall i bow my head
and lose my humanity

they stole our innocence-
instealed within us pride;
a neverending circulation
of man locked up inside.
dealing with the passions,
all they teach is lust.
the norms have torn us down,
our minds turned to rust--
and i see

life in their hands,
you think you're free.
you continue the search-
but only He holds the key!
aimlessly wondering in a sea of hate
worrying about your life,
only seeing what you ain't.

Life in your hands
what shall it be
will you hold your head high
Can you see beyond me.

<!signature-->

<font face="Arial, Verdana" size="1" color="#000080"> NEW POETRY FORUM NOW OPEN

"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."

SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE.
NEW POETRY FORUM ADDED

Don't look... you might see.
Don't listen... you might hear.
Don't think... you might learn.
Don't walk... you might stumble.
Don't run... you might fall.
Don't make a decision... you might be wrong.
Don't live...you might die.

THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!!

</font>

[This message has been edited by hoppy (edited 02-10-2000).]

Danny Holloway
Member Elite

since 2000-01-15

Posts 2034
Tulsa, OK

1 posted 2000-02-10 11:20 AM

Not sure I understand the meaning of your poem, but I would suggest as a title, "Life in you hands".
Nicely written.
Danny

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

2 posted 2000-02-10 07:26 PM

Well I understood the meaning of this piece and all I can say about the theme is take control of your own life. As for the help you asked for.

First I would use capitalization as well as some punctuation to better get your point across. eg.

Darkened night I came cryin'
wanting you to save me
i found you were lyin'
you can't save me

This is what I would have done.

Darkened night, I came cryin',
Wanting you to save me.
I found you were lyin',
You can't save me.

Now I think the second last line in this stanza could use some work to make them more powerful. You found they were lyin' but you didn't refer to what they were lyin' about?

I love the second stanza...very powerful indeed!

In the third stanza:

Encaged is show despise

I don't know what this means or what it is there for. Could you rework it so that the reader is not confused?

Fourth stanza is great...love it!

Fifth stanza:

you think you're free

I think this line would read better;

You think you are free

The last stanza:
Life in your hands
what shall it be
will you hold your head high
and see what noone else can see

The last line is what stays with the reader and it needs to be powerful. This one is good but the reader trips over it. How about; And see what they can't see.

What do you think?

hoppy
Member

since 2000-01-27

Posts 271

3 posted 2000-02-10 09:41 PM

thanks! like your ideas, i'll go back and rework some of it and see what i can come up with,
one thing though, it's supposed to be a song so the slang works better when music is put with it, but i'll see if i can make it stronger

NEW POETRY FORUM NOW OPEN

"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity."

SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE.
NEW POETRY FORUM ADDED

Don't look... you might see.
Don't listen... you might hear.
Don't think... you might learn.
Don't walk... you might stumble.
Don't run... you might fall.
Don't make a decision... you might be wrong.
Don't live...you might die.

THE PAGE OF PURE POETIC EXPRESSION!!

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

4 posted 2000-02-10 11:52 PM

Oh much better hoppy. I enjoyed this very much. It flowed much better and the entire theme was much clearer. Bravo!!

chic
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 245
yellville, Ar, U.S.

5 posted 2000-02-11 09:30 AM

Great work

To be or not to be...that is the question.

sweetcollege_girl
Senior Member

since 1999-12-03

Posts 872
just about where I want to be

6 posted 2000-02-11 09:35 AM

great work..is there an echo in here???

stay cool

~~Lavada~~

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