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Valentine's Day Sonnet
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Valentine's Day Sonnet |
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jcthaman Junior Member
since 1999-11-27
Posts 22Hershey, PA, USA |
hello all...this is my first attempt at writing a sonnet, but i had to try after reading shakespeare's works...this is for my girlfriend (i'm 15) As I sit here on my bed, this peaceful valentine's eve, thoughts of you fill my head, and it makes me believe that you were meant for me and we should be together. I've never seen such beauty, I want this to last forever. I've never met someone so perfect, and with you I feel so good. How this ends I can't predict, I'd give you the world if I could. I pray that this love is true, All I want is to be with you. think she'll like it? |
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| © Copyright 2000 jcthaman - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jer Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 443USA |
Good job. There are no spelling mistakes in this one! LOL. You get an A+ in my book at a great attempt on a love sonnet. You have all the necessary parts to Shakespearean sonnet (14 Lines consisting of three quatrains and a concluding couplet. Just be sure to watch that rhyme scheme.) If you want to talk about this more e-mail me. I know a lot about Sonnets. There are really only two styles and I think you may like the other. "WRITING IS EASY. ALL YOU DO IS STARE AT A BLANK SHEET OF PAPER UNTIL DROPS OF BLOOD FORM ON YOUR FOREHEAD." Gene Fowler |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
jcthaman: i think she'll love it (if only i was so assured about my girlfriend's response to my sonnets)... the sentiment actually reminds me of one of my own (especially the line about lasting forever)... this is really extremely well-done for a first attempt at a sonnet... in the interest of sonnet writing, however (and hopefully for your own edification as a writer), here's an in depth critique of your sonnet... 1. this isn't critically a "sonnet"... a sonnet is composed of 14 lines of iambic pentameter... that means that there are 10 syllables in each line with stresses on the second syllable of each pair... you'll notice this in shakespeare's work... for the time being we'll focus on pentameter and worry about the stresses once you've mastered that aspect of the sonnet... now, look at your poem (seperated syllables): As-I-sit-here-on-my-bed, (6) this-peace-ful-val-en-tine's-eve, (7) thoughts-of-you-fill-my-head, (6) and-it-makes-me-be-lieve (6) that-you-were-meant-for-me (6) and-we-should-be-to-get-her. (7) I've-ne-ver-seen-such-beau-ty, (7) I-want-this-to-last-for-ever. (8) I've-ne-ver-met-some-one-so-per-fect, (9) and-with-you-I-feel-so-good. (7) How-this-ends-I-can't-pre-dict, (7) I'd-give-you-the-world-if-I-could. (8) I-pray-that-this-love-is-true, (6) All-I-want-is-to-be-with-you. (8) as a normal love poem this is just fine... but i think you want something a little more noble... a little higher quality for the one you love... so hopefully after reading this a few times you'll be able to write sonnets on end  the meter of your poem is 6-7-6-6-6-7-7-8-9-7-7-8-6-8 ... your goal is to get exactly 10 syllables in each line (though variations are allowed)... let's look at how you might do that by adding a few words and rearranging some ideas: the first quatrain (a stanza of 4 lines that rhyme A-B-A-B in a shakespearean sonnet) of your poem is reproduced here... my edited "sonnet" additions are in brackets... As I sit here [dreamily] on my bed, [On] this peacefully [passing lovers'] eve, Thoughts of you[r love] fill my [foolish] head, And it [leads this lover's heart to] believe now, as you can see if you count them, each line has exactly 10 syllables... well, hopefully this has been of some help... feel free to use my edited version as a jump-off point for redrafting your sonnet (and dont forget to post it up when you're done so we can all read it)... i do, however, feel that your poem is just fine to give to your girlfriend as is... but i also promise you that she'll appreciate the extra work that went into writing her a "shakespearian love sonnet"... sincerely, jerome the mysterious priest A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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jcthaman Junior Member
since 1999-11-27
Posts 22Hershey, PA, USA |
alright, thanx everybody...i actually had no idea that a sonnet had to have 10 syllables...i guess i didn't research it enough...i thought it just needed to have 14 lines, with every other one rhyming and the last two rhyming...it will be revised...thanx everyone... |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
jcthaman: hey man, that's what we're here for but dont ever think your poem isn't good just the way it is... this doesn't have to be a sonnet because it's really very successful the way it is... just wanted to help you learn sincerely, jerome the mysterious priest A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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jcthaman Junior Member
since 1999-11-27
Posts 22Hershey, PA, USA |
hey, thanx poetry kills....my girlfriend doesn't really know what a sonnet is, but i put that together in like 15 minutes, and i llike the ten syllables better because it is a bit of a challenge, and it will let me put some more descriptive words in there...thanx again  ) |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
I think this is a great attempt at a sonnet. It's beautiful! And any girl would love that...trust me! Thanks for the info about the sonnet Jerome. I never knew each line in a sonnet had 10 syllables. Nice to know. Salma |
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Majestic Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 264houston, tx. |
great job and a good read...thanks. "To live is to love; To truly LOVE is to live!" ~kg~ |
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