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Teen Poetry #2
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several of my older poems
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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several of my older poems |
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Tamma
since 2000-01-17
Posts 794In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV 
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~~~With a Key~~~ In the moonlight, My heart is taking off for its last flight. Under stary skies, I look into your eyes. You open my heart with a key, And together we'll be. I tell you I love you, I've told only few. I fall asleep in your arms, and there I'll dream. -Jan 19, 97 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~To My One and Only Love~~~ The few days have past by, with neither a tear nor sigh. The love is no longer a secret, so I have no reason to fret. No tear has been shed, nor have these feelings been fed. We've shared the pain, joy and sorrow, These feeling are nothing to borrow. -Oct. 21, 99 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My crush jsut sits there, not knowing how much I care. His dark brown hair, just blowing in the summer air. Two teenagers falling in love more everyday, my love for you will forever stay. -July 7, 97 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stars in the sky, Tears in my eye. In the woods I see a dear, and we talk with fear. I've never loved like this, Can I have just one wish? If you love me, Let it be free. -Nov 21, 96 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i found these buried in one of my old writing folders, and decided to post 'em  [This message has been edited by Tamma (edited 02-06-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Tamma M. Wilson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
tamma: these are pretty good (especially considering they are your earliest poems)... i do have a few constructive (hopefully) criticisms for you though... i'll take the poems one at a time: 1. i dont understand the broken rhyme scheme at the end of this one... it flows nicely all the way to the end line (A-A-B-B-C-C-D-D-E-F)... you really need to fix the F and make it an E rhyme... that'll make the poem less structurally distracting... 2. i love the first stanza on this one... flows very well, but i honestly dont care for the final stanza... it doesn't seem to express what you wanted it to (or at least it's meaning is not clear to me -- the reader)... you might consider changes for the last line of the final stanza to try and make it fit your meaning better... 3. i dont really care for the shallow sentimentality here... i can't equate a "crush" with "undying love"... but mabye that's just me... the structure here is without major flaw... 4. i'm not sure i understand this one... the best i can guess is that you were going deer hunting with your boyfriend? but that doesn't make a lot of sense... you'll have to let me know what this poem is about before i can give a meaningful critique... sincerely, jerome the boy whose inordinately happy today A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Tamma
since 2000-01-17
Posts 794In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV |
jeromoe: i cant remember what i was thinking, when i wrote the last one, otherwise, i would have tried to explain better  *how was i to kno that today id meet someone like you? how was i to see the light with him in my path and you too far to touch?* -pom16pom- |
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