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Valentines day poem
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Valentines day poem |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
This is a poem I plan on giving to the one I love who refuses to go out with me on Valentines Day. Wish me luck, ill need it. If there are any changes that I should make, PLEASE tell me. I want this to work, and for it to, I need this to be perfect. I love you now and always will There is a hole in my heart that you can fill At first sight there cannot be more than lust Love can happen over time, if you have trust I have only the noblest of intentions I am not a trixter with conniving inventions I want nothing more than for you to be mine My question is: Will you be my Valentine? I am not a poet, I am merely one who speaks in emotion |
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| © Copyright 2000 Travis Welton - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Isabelle Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 176Indiana |
This is a very sweet poem. I think that you should just leave it the way it is. Just take the chance and give it to her. You should realize though that you can't make anyone go out with you if they don't want to. But i do belive you ought to go ahead and give her the poem. Isa =) |
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Penelope Junior Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 31 |
Mistik, I'm not a poet (and yes, I know it).  -- Just a starter myself. I read your poem (which by the way is SOO sweet!).. and made an attempt at puncuating it in such a way that would (perhaps) make it flow easier (if that makes any sense??). Umm... anyways.. here's what I came up with.I love you now, and always will. There's a hole in my heart that you can fill. At first sight, there cannot be more than lust. Love can happen over time, if you have trust. I have only the noblest of intentions, I am not a trixter with conniving inventions, I want nothing more, than for you to be mine. My question is: Will you be my Valentine? Anyways, you can decide what works best for you.  (I'm a puncuating freak, tend to put it where it isn't needed, so you can ignore me if you want ) As I said before, I'm a newbee. Ah... I'm babbling. Good luck with the girl! -Penny |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Definitely good luck, Mistik. I think this is really sweet and honest and that it works well either punctuated or unpunctuated. Whichever you prefer. Great work, I hope it works out for you!  *Krista Knutson* ~*Like a lion, without fear of the howling pack, Like a gust of wind, ne'er trapped in a snare, Like a lotus blossom, ne'er sprinkled by water, Let me, like a unicorn, in solitude roam.*~ Hymn Of Buddha |
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Salooma Senior Member
since 2000-01-28
Posts 781 |
You're poem is sooooo sweet! I'm sure your sweetheart would love it. Just take a chance. Hopefully it'll work out. Good luck! Salooma |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Wow, thank you all for your support. Wow, my first response from a moderator since my first post I plan on giving her this poem along with a single rose. Its gonna be the hardest thing I have ever done. This will be my fourth attempt at getting her to go out with me, hopefully fourth times the charm...[This message has been edited by Mistikman (edited 01-30-2000).] |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
This is such a sweet poem. If the girl doesn't be your valentine then maybe she ain't worth stressing about. Good luck and keep |
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Smore Member
since 2000-01-24
Posts 67el paso |
Usually I'd agree w/ ESP, but that was so cute. If she means that much to you, then never give up, guys that write poetry for a girl is not common, so she'll come around. I hope you'll let us now how it turns out. one more thing, it's perfect how it is because it's straight from you, don't change it. Love isn't a miracle in life, the miracle of life is love. |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
mistikman: i really like this poem in the format that it's in already, and normally wouldn't suggest changes, but since you are looking for the smallest details, here are the ideas i had (i'm just going to post my revised version and you can compare for yourself): I love you now, as I always will; This hole in my heart is for you to fill. At first sight there may be only lust, Yet love happens in time -- if you do trust. I have only noblest of intentions I am no trickster with sly invention I want nothing more than for you to be mine And so from the heart I pose this question: ...Oh, wont you be my valentine? basically i tried to make the meter a little more smooth and i ended up having to add a line and mess up your rhyme scheme to fit it in a way that i thought might work... (do note that the next to last line rhymes with the lines two and three above it, however, as the final line rhymes with the third from final line)... take and leave what you think does or does not work... hope i've been of some help... sincerely, jerome the boy with the blue thumb A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Here's my humble suggestion: I love you now, I always have right from the start There's a space that you can fill inside my heart Although at times it may appear to you as lust Let love evolve and you will learn to trust Fear not, I have but noblest intentions in my mind And you will see that I do care, as time unwinds All that I ask of you tonight is to be mine, Oh, (name), won't you be my Valentine? PS: GOOD LUCK! [This message has been edited by Master (edited 01-31-2000).] |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Ok...remember you asked for this..lol. I took alittle from all the suggestions and put my own twist on it. (notice..I left all mention of lust out of this. Not romatic at all!!) I love you now, I have from the start, There's this void you can fill in my heart. Give me a chance 'cause my heart sure will bust, Let love evolve and you'll learn how to trust. Fear not, I have but noblest intention, My feelings here are not my invention. And so from the heart, say you'll be mine. ....Oh, won't you be my Valentine? So, let us know what you decide and post your final work for us to see. We also want to know how it went. Much luck my friend! |
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angel6917 Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 478WI |
I love your poem. I hope all works out for you. I know if someone wrote a poem like that for me, I'd melt and be theirs at least for the day. I wish you the best of luck with you're crush. ~Kristi Lynn "Sometimes people care too much. I think it's called love." -Winnie the Pooh |
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chic Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 245yellville, Ar, U.S. |
great poem and the suggestions were good, but if u think the peom will go then i would give it to her as is and i'll tell u this...If i were her and this was given to me...I would faint...then when i woke up i would tell him...YES!!!! hope all goes well and good luck. Barb |
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S3NSATION18 Junior Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 31 |
Mistikman- This is a very nice poem if i was that girl i would definitely give you a chance...if she can't see how good you are...i hate to say it then she doesn't deserve you...but i wish you luck and i hope you get your valetines wish <3 s3nSaTiOn18 |
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