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Memory Remains
| Open Poetry #3 |
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Memory Remains |
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Rhiannon Member
since 1999-07-28
Posts 95Fayetteville, TN USA |
Away from your treachery Away from the pain you've caused me I am a child, terrified Anger, bona fide And detached from sensuality Who will be the one to love me Who will be the one to free me I'm standing at a crossroad So many emotions to load Worn out from my travels I've come so far But I haven't gained anything The memory remains The sunset fades behind my back My life Forver marred by you I'll leave this hell made by you My demons running free Inside me Will they ever leave? Here in my inner prison Love, hate, creating a prism Unforgiven I stand alone ------------------ The night is my companion The solitude my guide Would I spend forever here And not be satisfied? Sarah MacLachlan, "Possession" |
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| © Copyright 1999 Rhiannon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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desperado Member
since 1999-05-24
Posts 312FT Hood,Tx |
ok this lends a better feel closer together, so remember to not hit the enter key so repeatedly ok? hehe lets just go through this shall we? Away from your treachery Away from the pain you've caused me I am a child, terrified Anger, bona fide I'd add a word in front of anger there and make that first part into a question "My anger? bona fide" try that for an example. you can add it or not, but that's why I'm here, to give you my opinion. And detached from sensuality I'd delete the "and" and leave it starting with detached. Who will be the one to love me Who will be the one to free me I'm standing at a crossroad So many emotions to load Worn out from my travels I've come so far But I haven't gained anything The memory remains The sunset fades behind my back My life Forver marred by you I'll leave this hell made by you My demons running free Inside me Will they ever leave? Here in my inner prison Love, hate, creating a prism most people see a prism as a three sided figure, yet you only give two things. a good one for a third, should you decide to put one in, is indecision. or you could use another if you'd like or none at all. it is your choice, and I might be wrong. Unforgiven I stand alone I did like this poem, it does move, and flow rather well, just little things here and there that I'm pointing out, nothing really big. well except for maybe the first thing, it's kinda iffy though. point is that though you have some good ideas, you are guilty of something the rest of us are guilty of as well, it's just the little things. I make goofs as often as the next man, yet we can all learn from these and continue on. so keep working on it and good luck. |
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Rhiannon Member
since 1999-07-28
Posts 95Fayetteville, TN USA |
Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Most people just say I like this one...or that's great, so it's nice to know someone is really paying attention. I'll take your advice and apply it to my future work. This wasn't one of my best, but it had the feeling I think.... ------------------ The night is my companion The solitude my guide Would I spend forever here And not be satisfied? Sarah MacLachlan, "Possession" |
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