Open Poetry #1 |
My Dear Friend (Revised) |
WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Thank you Balladeer for taking the time to help me. I am not sure of this second stanza. I reworked it, but am not sure if it fits. Any comments would be appreciated. It breaks my heart, dear friend, What you are going through. They do not see nor understand... I only wish they knew. They know not what they say. They know not what they do. They mention cruel and hateful things Not knowing they hurt you. They're striking out in anger. Their rage is all they see. They truly cannot understand The lie hurts painfully. They stand in deep frustration. They know not what to do. They listen to the others And shift the blame on you. I know right now you're hurting My heart for you does bleed But I will always be there In times of joy or need. For you are very precious. You mean a lot to me. 'Twas only by the will of God Our friendship came to be. All that I can tell you is To pray within your heart That they will come to understand From God you will not part. My friend, it rests with God now And all that's in His will. No matter what may happen Know I will love you still. [This message has been edited by WhtDove (edited 08-16-99).] |
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© Copyright 1999 WhtDove - All Rights Reserved | |||
Sue Member
since 1999-08-04
Posts 383France |
I'm not too sure about the second stanza, either, but I don't have any suggestions, I'm afraid - I'm not too clear on what you were trying to say. In the sixth I would suggest that "But I'll be always there" instead of "But I will always be there" might improve the flow. The rest I really loved. |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
That God gives understanding, His truth they must retain. The evil that they're speaking, From lips they must refrain. Well, Dovey - how about this for the second verse - kind of a "You are as you speak" kind of statement. That God gives understanding, In love his truth remains. The evil that they're speaking, Will be what they retain. |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Thanks LngJhn, that is more what I am trying to say. It makes a lot more sense. I just seem to have gotten stuck in my words. Thank you so very much for your help! I deleted that 2nd stanza, I will read it over again, and see if that will fit in with what I am trying to get across. [This message has been edited by WhtDove (edited 08-16-99).] |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Thank you Sue! How about adding, 'And I will always be there' instead of But. Think that would help??? |
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elvira Senior Member
since 1999-07-06
Posts 936California |
such a great tribute to a friend |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
You cannot change "....I will always be there" to "....I'll always be there" without altering the syllable count and creating a mismatch with the first line. I think "and" in front works better than "but". |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Thanks to all for your help. I will change the "but" to "and." I chuckle when I look at this. I have finally decided just to leave out that stanza all together. After all we went through to make it fit. I really do appreciate all the help!!! |
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