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Hungry Child
| Open Poetry #1 |
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Hungry Child |
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poetFemmeFatale Member Elite
since 1999-07-25
Posts 2646Arkansas 
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My hunger for your love - Is like that of a child... Whose hollow eyes & tear-stained face Are begging - savage - wild. His belly swollen - empty - He cries himself to sleep... And prays tonight for angels To come take his soul to keep. This little child lives within - My heart - my mind - my soul... If you never give your love to me I'll never become whole. I will wander thru this life - Hollow hopes & tear-stained dreams... -Hush- and listen carefully You'll hear a child's silent screams....... ------------------ - poet FemmeFatale "The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet |
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| © Copyright 1999 Gennifer David - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
So painfully vivid...I really like this, poetFemmeFatale. Wonderful! ------------------ *Krista Knutson* "It's a crazy thing, fate has perfect wings..."-Deanna Carter |
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poetFemmeFatale Member Elite
since 1999-07-25
Posts 2646Arkansas |
If you guys could, could you slaughter this one for me and let me know how I could improve ?? ------------------ - poet FemmeFatale "The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet |
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elvira Senior Member
since 1999-07-06
Posts 936California |
i am sure, most of us do not even know the feeling of true physical hunger; to the hunger of the soul, however, i am sure many can relate...try posting in the "critical analysis" forum on this site...there are some excellent poets here, always willing to lend a hand  ------------------ one night at the airport...Childhood Memories...eight short weeks...Music to my Ears...your countenance...just watching tv...hoarse whispers...My One and Only...Tribute to M.J....Feel the need?...serving wench...a little girl...the mistress...stolen hours...Perfection...07-20-69...devotion... Master...apart...plain...chat? |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi - I'm back! This is a great poem. I find it hard to write in a verse structure, generally. You asked for slaughtering - there's not much to slaughter, but I would be conscious of repitition, eg 'never' is used twice in the 3rd stanza. I try to use repitition only if it's a noun or adjective that carries a particular image or I want greater emphasis. Conversely, I think your repitition of 'tear-stained' in the 1st and 4th stanzas is a good example of linking images. Love the first verse, it really flows. And reading it aloud I find that if you omit 'come' from the last line of the second verse it flows a wee bit more. One more thing, 'I will' in the 1st line, 4th stanza doesn't seem to fit the tense of the whole poem. Maybe 'I'm wandering...'? Those are just my thoughts - my best friend and I constantly critique each other's work, so I'm accustomed to not pulling punches, so I hope I don't sound harsh! I do love the whole concept of your poem - one of my favourites from you. (Gee, this is long!) |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi - I'm back! This is a great poem. I find it hard to write in a verse structure, generally. You asked for slaughtering - there's not much to slaughter, but I would be conscious of repitition, eg 'never' is used twice in the 3rd stanza. I try to use repitition only if it's a noun or adjective that carries a particular image or I want greater emphasis. Conversely, I think your repitition of 'tear-stained' in the 1st and 4th stanzas is a good example of linking images. Love the first verse, it really flows. And reading it aloud I find that if you omit 'come' from the last line of the second verse it flows a wee bit more. One more thing, 'I will' in the 1st line, 4th stanza doesn't seem to fit the tense of the whole poem. Maybe 'I'm wandering...'? Those are just my thoughts - my best friend and I constantly critique each other's work, so I'm accustomed to not pulling punches, so I hope I don't sound harsh! I do love the whole concept of your poem - one of my favourites from you. (Gee, this is long!) |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Poet...you do wonderful work! ------------------ "Nobody has measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" ~Zelda Fitzgerald |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
Well, since you asked for critique, I think in the last two lines of the 2nd verse, it would flow better if you said something like: And begs of all the angels, "Come, take my soul to keep!" Or something along the lines of that. Then in the 3rd verse, how about, "If you won't give your love to me, I'll never become whole." Sorry, didn't mean to rip it to bits. Other than that, this is a wonderful poem that I can really relate to. It well describes a situation I have been placed in. *sigh* |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Very thought provoking indeed.....vivid and so descriptive!.....I liked it much sweets! |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
I think you have done a wonderful job here. It's nice to have other's opinions isn't it? Great work! P.S. thanks for your comment. |
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